Friday, June 22, 2012

"A Baby Won't Fix Everything...."

I'm sure you've heard it many times before....

"A baby won't fix everything..."

Whether you were trying to get pregnant and were finding yourself frustrated month after month, negative test after negative test ... or while in the process of trying to adopt and felt yourself drowning in home study paperwork, feeling completely exposed by the intimate details of your life that you're required to reveal .... all while thinking about how 'unfair' it is that 'other women' can just have sex, and get pregnant. In the midst of a 'vent'with someone you trust (spouse, trusted friend, or family member), someone will inevitably utter these words....

"Be patient and enjoy the time you have right now.... a baby won't fix everything."

While I agree that it IS a lot of unnecessary pressure to place on a baby that is expected to 'fix everything' from birth, I also think that in the world of adoption the statement rings true on so many fronts. 'A baby' is what this whole process is about. It's why we cry, scream and yell when we realize over and over again that there is NO amount of charting, timing, or sex that can bring us that sweet bundle. It's why we bury ourselves in work so we can forget the "wait". It's why we walk quickly by the baby section in the store. It's why we pretend that seeing our friends pregnant doesn't hurt just a little. It's why our 'bad moods' seem much more frequent and a little bit more extreme. It's why going to baby shower after baby shower gets harder and harder and being excited gets faker and faker.

And you wanna know something else????

All of the other crap outside of getting a baby that needs to be 'fixed' was probably caused by the stress itself.

It won't all go away when baby comes....

The fights about when to have sex and who's 'fault' it is and all of the money you're 'wasting' on infertility treatments will stop... but there will most certainly be knock-down, drag-out fights when you're both sleep-deprived and trying to calm a screaming baby.

The doctors appointments and blood work and ultra-sounds will stop... but you will spend quite a bit of time in your pediatricians office getting vaccines, checking weight, and desperately trying to help your baby who has reflux or colic.

The secrets you keep from coworkers and family and friends about why you come to work so late or how much time you're taking off or why there are always band aids on your arm will stop.... but you will try your hardest to hide your exhaustion and border-line depression as you transition into parent-hood because after all of the waiting and crying and emptiness, you simply cannot complain or show your frustration to anyone who might see you as ungrateful.

The twinge of pain you feel as you celebrate your friend's baby at her shower and the hours you spend crying after will stop.... but you will struggle with the differences in showers for women who know how to plan and prepare for their baby and women who don't or can't until baby is already home.

My point?

In the world of adoption, a baby does fix a whole lot...

And in the middle of the wait, when the baby brings with him or her the ability to take away so much pain and sadness and stress....

And since this whole process is about that baby, in the first place...

I've learned that a baby still won't fix everything.

(But your arms won't be empty the next time you cry about whatever stressor comes next...  and THAT is one more thing that makes the wait worth it ;-))

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