Friday, August 30, 2013

Such Bitter-Sweetness... An Announcement

We have anticipated this post for a few weeks now with so much excitement ...

but we envisioned it looking so so much different than it will tonight.

Our God has built our family through His grace, faithfulness, and many miracles.
Our precious baby girl... our 2008 overnight miracle...

Our son... our 2012 living miracle....

And 2 months ago, after 7 years of infertility and after 4 years of completely abandoning our will to His... no temping, no charting, without even considering the possibilities that doctor's could be wrong, that He could grant that one, sometimes seemingly forbidden desire of our hearts....

 our Jesus graciously (and shockingly!!) gave us another miracle...

 And then there were 5.....

We have spent the past few weeks completely and humbly grateful and amazed at what He has done! Our Jesus... the one who gave us our miracles... who has given us so many more miracles than we could have ever asked for or could ever deserve....

the one who heard our painfully loud cries 7 years ago... and gave us our daughter.

the one who heard our terrifying screams of anguish 18 months ago.... and saved our son.

the one who heard the whispers of our hearts as one tiny part still desired so badly to experience a pregnancy.... let us do just that.

For a time....

We have spent the past few weeks standing in awe at what he has done for us!

My body told me right away that I was pregnant... I stand amazed that after years and years of 'just in case' pregnancy tests and 'maybe this means I'm pregnant' symptom analyses, I was still able to recognize the 'real deal.' I am so gratedul for every ache and for every moment of nausea and for every change my body went through to make room for the precious baby growing inside of me.... I'm thankful for the two times we were able to see and hear that precious heartbeat on ultra-sound.... for the tiny baby belly that was beginning to pop (especially after a couple donuts ;-))....

but  my body also didn't handle pregnancy well.

The past 10 days have been a waiting game of the cruelest kind.... physically, emotionally, and spiritually....

But yesterday came closure when Jesus' everlasting arms took the place of our's for our sweet Baby Smith #3.

Our baby went home... too early, and not with us.

And we are broken.

Completely broken.

We chose, long ago, to share this part of our lives with whomever wants to read it... for whomever wants to join us on our family's journey to well.... just that.

Our family.

We have never regretted one second of the choice to make this part of us 'public' and we have been blessed tenfold because of it.

We have so many blanks to fill in...  my very first pregnancy test .... telling Big Sister...  introducing you to Baby Smith #3 in pictures... our cherished announcement photo shoot... and the overwhelming outpouring of love that we have and know we will continue to receive as we navigate through the next couple of days, weeks, and months . And we will. I need to if I'm going to get through this. I've missed the calm and refuge I find when I write....

We've had so many 'secrets' to keep in the past.... our adoptions were both unique, making it difficult for us to ask for support and prayer when we needed it most as each of our babies came home until it was a safe and appropriate time to share our exciting news with the world....

And I can't do 'secrets' this time.

We are heartbroken... and confused...

But we also know that, for however long Jesus let us keep our precious Baby Smith #3, that every second of that time is a miracle... and always will be.

I got pregnant. Me. The one who couldn't. I did. And without a single thought in our mind about ever getting pregnant... ever!

That's a miracle!

The past 2 months have been filled with celebration and we are looking back without one single regret.

We are trying so desperately to take refuge in Him knowing that, for the first time in every up and down we have faced over the past 7 years....

We won't be waiting for our baby anymore.... because he/she is waiting for us in Heaven.

And I take complete comfort in that simple fact alone.

Our baby is in the arms of Jesus... waiting for us... waiting for mine.

I know that so many of you understand this pain... and I'm not sure I'm even 'there' yet.

If our journey has taught us anything, it's that God will take away..... he'll take things amazing and miraculous for reasons we might not ever understand....

but He always replaces them with something even bigger.

Hannah and Hunter are proof of God's 'bigger'.

I had surgery today and we would love if you would lift us up in prayer as our hearts slowly heal, as my body heals, and as we navigate through all of this while helping our sweet girl understand it all, too. We're thankful that Hunter is so young and unaware. If you know our girl, you know she'll do better than any of us.... her faith is rock solid and I'm thankful for the example of child-like faith she has been for me just the past couple days alone.

I don't know when our #4 will come along or how.... but we are doing our very best to remember and love #3 with everything that we have left in us right now...

Tonight? We're so so sad. Confused. Conflicted. Anxious. And so many parts of us are in pain. We aren't going to be quick to forget our precious and always #3 but one day soon we know that our cup will overflow, once again.

We love you, sweet #3... Mama and Daddy are wrapped as tightly in Jesus' arms tonight as you are and there's nowhere else we'd rather be than with you tonight.

"For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of... life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead."
~2 Corinthians 1:8-9


  1. I'm on my knees praying for you. It helped me to name my babies that I lost before Lilianna. More importantly, I'm so proud of you for staying faithful and letting God's light shine.

  2. My heart is with you and my prayers too. I am so sorry..Baby number 3 can play with my nefew Colton whom passed in January. I know that Jesus holds them so tight and they will be there when we arrive one day. I am sorry for your loss..

  3. Oh Lindsay, my heart breaks for you and Joey. I'm touched by how deeply and wholey you know that God's plan is greater than to "let" this story end here. You are so right! God promises us that his plan is not to hurt us or arm us but to give us a hope and a future. I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye before you really even got to say hello, but I'm so thankful that you got to experience your precious miracle and revel in that your miracle's existence was amazing miracle!

  4. Hi, Lindsay! I was moved to tears when I opened my blogger and saw this. It was so unexpected as I have followed all of the miracles of your life on here and rejoiced with each one. It was also a shock since I just posted today about the 2 month birthday of our little girl who just left us to be in heaven with Jesus on June 30th. I don't know if you follow my blog or not, but I want you to know you aren't alone. I know it isn't the same, but I also know the ache of feeling that life grow inside of you and then hearing those awful words "there is no heart beat." Our Mattie was 41 weeks and died at birth from a cord accident. As we held her beautiful but lifeless body in our arms, we ached to have to give her up so soon. You will be in my prayers for the healing comfort that can only come from the Lord...the one who gave us our miracles! God didn't take our children away from us. We know that the evil one is the taker of life. But our children are now with Jesus and know the greatest love imaginable! If you ever want to talk, please feel free to contact me. I think we live pretty close and could even meet sometime when and if you are ready. Love and prayers!

  5. Bawling for you Lindsay... :'( We went through losing our 1st pregnancy this past April and it was so, so hard. Sending huge ((hugs)) and prayers your way! <3

    - Lauren Hillman

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  7. Praying for you all! will hold that sweet little miracle one day!

  8. Praying for your family tonight....

    And the nights ahead.

    Your precious little one is playing alongside our firstborn in Heaven now.

    I can't give you any advice, other than to say, take the time you need to heal and stay wrapped up in your husband's arms.

    My husband and I now have our wonderful son, but I can't help and think of his sibling that went on before him, waiting for us and there to meet us when the day comes.

    Until then, prayers of peace, comfort, and love.

  9. Words are not enough...The empty feeling of loss. The only truth is Jesus is so close when our broken is shattered and the pieces no longer fit. The embrace of Jesus, who picks each piece out of the dust, mud and grime...wipes it on himself and puts us back together. The cracks and flaws may leak a little, and we don't hold water as well as we used to, but he sees us as beautiful; his bride. May He help you find the pieces. Praying for you and crying with you.

  10. Psalm 34:18 - "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit."

    Psalm 73:26 - "My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

    God brought His Word & promises to my mind this morning as I was praying you through this season of sadness. He will use this for His glory and for your good - no doubt!

    Love you, love you, love you!

  11. Dear Lindsey,

    I have tears in my eyes. As a fellow infertile for many many years, my heart is hurting along with yours for the pain you must be feeling. May Jesus and His angels surround your family and your three beautiful children. God Bless you.


  12. PS

    No matter what, no matter what happened or ever will happen. Nothing can EVER take away that you are the Mommy to 3 precious miracles.

    God Bless you.

  13. Love and prayers are going out to you and your family. It is hard sometimes to understand His plan, but God knows every need and He's the master of all. He will heal you and your sweet family and will supply everything you need to fill the joy and peace here on earth.

  14. Lindsay and Joey, Hannah and Hunter: His Word tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. I am doing that now. Praying for your family to feel His comfort and peace.


  15. Praying for your family. So...sorry for your loss. James 4:8 "Draw near to God and he'll draw near to you." Sending hugs your way.

  16. Your California family loves you so much and is grieving with you.

    I read these words today in David's Psalm 9 and thought of you-

    The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, A stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know Your name will trust in You, For You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek your name.

    We are praying that God will comfort you.

    Love you so much,
    Aunt Dee-Dee & Uncle John

  17. I am so sorry got your loss. I can only imagine what you and your family are going through. Just know that y'all are in my thoughts and prayers.


  18. We are thinking of you all. We will keep you all in our prayers and thoughts. We are so sorry for your loss.
    Chris and Angela

  19. I'm praying for you with tears in my eyes reading your blog post. I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for the peace that only God can give you to get through this.

  20. Prayers for you and your family! Angela is a dear friend so I found you through her picture blog. YOu have a beautiful family! Your #3 is with our #3 and we now have #4 and #5 in our arms. I have a feeling God's not done with your story. Love and prayers! Oh- I wrote about our journey here-
    I LOVED with you said about the secrets and not wanting to walk this road along. Definitely something that should be shared in the body!

  21. Lindsay, my heart is hurting with you. I lost a sweet angel to miscarriage as well. I can relate to what you guys are experiencing and am here if you need to talk!


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