Sunday, January 8, 2012

Risky Business... Don't Adopt!

You know those times when you shouldn't do something but it's virtually impossible not to do it so you do it and then regret it?



I just shouldn't do it.

Oh, but I do.

Now, I understand that these pages are for birth mom support... not for me. You know of the burden I have felt lately for First Moms. While I've learned so so much from reading some of these pages recently, all they really do in the end is piss me off.


Here's what I've learned; First Moms, they love each other...unconditionally, regardless of the situation that brought them to place their child in someone else's arms. Some of them were pregnant as a teen, some are married, some were raped... the list goes on. They're all First Moms and the support they offer each other is truly inspiring to me.


I've also learned that the adoptive parents, not EVERY adoptive parent, but the ones who don't keep their promises, who don't do all they can to provide unconditional and un-ending support to their child AND his/her First Moms... they give us all a bad rap. If you want to read about our bad rap as adoptive parents, check out a birth mom Facebook page.

Have you heard the saying, 'It takes 5 positive remarks to erase 1 negative'?

I wish we could make those negatives positives for these moms... we're the only one's who can.

I'm addicted to those Facebook pages. I crave any opportunity to know more about these amazing women... I want so badly to hug each one and know more about their story. My heart breaks for some of them; closed adoptions, broken promises, severed relationships, isolation...

They all took a risk... on us.


1. exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance:

What are the risks that you've taken in your life?

Maybe leaving a good job to take a new one. Maybe entering a relationship that others' have advised you against. Maybe you've taken risks with your finances; tithing, stocks, 401K's, savings. Maybe your risk involved your desire to have kids; infertility doctors, IUI, or IVF....


We, all of us adoptive parents... we have 'risk' in common with these First Moms.

I want First Moms to understand this, too... while you took a risk on us, we also took a risk on you.

That doesn't seem fair because the ball ultimately ends in our court. Hence, our bad rap.

Why can't we just throw the stinkin' ball back, sometimes?!?

All of our risks involved our emotions, our health, our finances, our futures... and a child's life.

It seems like a Catch 22.

I don't like those... I like black and white.
Adoption is not black and white.

Prospective Adoptive Parents~ If you're looking for the perfect child, a happily ever after, or a dream come true, a life and family all your own...

don't adopt.

Adoption is a risk... it has the potential to be a hazard. Adopting carries with it a dangerous chance of hurt and loss. It takes work... hard work. It takes emotional, physical, and financial sacrifice and in some cases, it requires... no, DEMANDS forgiveness....

For adoptive parents AND for First Moms.

 We share the same risk.

While I was reading through some birth mom Facebook pages, and was getting more and more frustrated by what I was reading, the word RISK just stood out to me. What really stood out to me when I looked up the definition of 'risk' is the example they gave when used in a sentence...

It's not worth the risk.

And that's where we differ...

It IS worth the risk. I believe that a child's life is worth the risk of pain, dangerous chance, hazardous results... no matter if you're a First Mom or the one she chose for her child.

If you're not prepared to face those risks, to rise above them, to welcome them into your journey through adoption with open arms and to make them part of your story....

don't adopt. 

If you're ready to embrace a life that is different from the norm, to expand your family not only with a child but with his or her First Family also, to place your trust (no matter the risk) in the Lord,  to forgive with the potential that you'll have to do it again and again and again, to trust people even though you have to fight to break down your protective walls, sometimes repeatedly...

and if you're willing to risk everything you are and everything you have...


If you're ready for and expect all of those things, and if you're prepared to be a 'positive' in our reputation as adoptive parents....


If you fit all of that criteria and you do adopt... you'll know a First Mom's heart; her pain and worry, the hazards she'll approach, and the unknown that she faces, ONLY THEN will it be

 the best risk you (and her) have ever taken.


  1. I love you Lindsay. So very true.

    Becoming a parent through adoption is not the neat and tidy package that we wish it was. Adoption requires an extra dose of grace. FROM EVERYONE!

    Adoptive parents do adopt a family. Maybe they have lots of interaction with that (birth)family, maybe not. But you are all in this together. Good, bad and ugly.

    Adoptive parents are not perfect. Birth parents are not either. Just like parents who have children born to them are not perfect.

    My thoughts on adoption are the same as what I think should apply to every single relationship in life...

    Assume the best, not the worst.

    Extend more grace than is required.

    Forgive and repeat.

    Adoptive parents are not the enemy. Nor are birth parents. We are all just flawed people trying to muddle through this complex relationship.

    But how right you are. If we see adoption as acquiring more family (for both sides), then it only stands to reason that should equal more love, if everyone involved would just make the extra effort.

  2. I am a new follower and new adoptive mommy. Thank you for sharing your story. We have had some challenges in our adoption but it has been worth all the hard work, tears and pure bliss. Its never easy but always worth it!

  3. Thank you for stopping to say 'Hi' Vanessa! HUGE congrats on your new role as Mommy... I can't wait to catch up a little on your journey!

    And you're right... It's SO worth it!


  4. Thanks for this great post. As a hopeful adoptive parent, I've gotten similarly overwhelmed by reading about birthmothers' pain on various websites. It's real and it's difficult, and adoption has a dark history. But that doesn't mean that my spouse and I and the expectant mom who chooses us can't make it all worth the risk.


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