Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Pity Party

Have you ever just sat back and allowed yourself to feel ... sorry for yourself?

People can tell you, "You're so strong... I don't know how you have been through all of this!", "I admire your faith!", "I just don't understand how one person can deal with so many terrible things!", "I think about what I'm going through and I just can't complain because it's nothing compared to what you've been through!"

Do you get those sometimes?

I guess for a second those comments make you feel proud...

"I AM strong!", "My faith HAS grown!", "We HAVE been through a lot!"

But really, doesn't it sometimes just make you feel like s**t? Because deep down you're NOT strong, and your faith SUX, and terrible things just keep happening DESPITE your faith, and NO YOU CAN'T complain because you haven't been through MY hell!!!

Am I the only one?


True, it's wrong to let discouragement and anger and resentment and bitterness and hostility and pride control you... but sometimes..... sometimes I just think it's ok to have a full-grown....


I had one today... I really did. Here's how it went...

I wore a plastic back brace for THREE years! I had full spinal fusion when I was THIRTEEN!  can't bend over and tie my shoes! I can't even paint my own toenails! I have been scared to DEATH of cancer since my cousin passed away when he was only 31 years old! I have had NINE moles removed because of that! I CAN'T GET PREGNANT and NO ONE KNOWS WHY! I have been waiting for OVER A YEAR for my next baby to come home! Why is adoption so dang EXPENSIVE?!

and then, the avalanche....

I had to wait for TWO hours in the doctor's office today! My email doesn't work when I need to send an important email NOW! WHY won't the post-man bring the stinkin package to the DOOR? WHO'S DOG IS THAT??!?!?!

You get my drift...

And then I look at the calendar.... three years ago to the day, Hannah's birth-gramma passed away after a long long battle with cancer... my worst night-mare. She was one of the main reasons we have Hannah today.

** I have the tightest abs thanks to that stinking back-brace. My ribs didn't puncture my lungs because I had that surgery when I did. I get to buy expensive, non-tie shoes (;-)). I have a pedicure when my toes start looking bad. My cousin is in Heaven! I don't have cancer! I have HANNAH! Our next baby has already been chosen for us. No matter the cost, I'll never look back... I'll never wish I could have changed HIS plan. **

My friend calls; her God-Mother, her moms best friend who's husband passed away a few months ago and who has been in the hospital since before Christmas with cancer...

she passed away this morning.

** Someones AWFUL, emergency-filled morning was made okay and all I had to do was wait a little longer than usual. 'Edit' and 'Re-send' were created for a reason. I burned 4 whole calories just by walking out to the mailbox to get my package. My dog doesn't bark like THAT dog! **

It's ok to have a pity-party once in a while...

because it's never as awful as it seems...

and all of the 'I's' are never as important as the positives that can come from those apparent negatives.

What's your list? Put it here or put it somewhere else... it feels good! Then write your 'other' list... that feels even better  ;-)


  1. My husband just got orders to deploy in less than 3 weeks!!! He won't be here for Easter! Will he be safe? I'm so mad/sad that he will be gone all summer. Summer is our favorite time of year because we love hiking and doing outdoor stuff and now we aren't going to be able to do it at all this year. Maybe not even next year. He will probably be deployed again next year too and miss another summer. He wasn't here last summer or the summer before that because of the stinking military and now he won't be here this summer and probably not even next summer. I'm scared to be alone for so long living in a new state where I don't know that many people. I feel like I can't be as good a Mom when he is gone for so long. I will have to mow the lawn all summer now! Why can't I lose weight? How do people have willpower? Why can't my husband and I learn to communicate better...sometimes its like we are on different planets. What state should I be a resident of?? Right now, my husband and I are residents of two different states and neither of them is the one we live in. Why do I keep getting weird headaches on one side of my head? Do I have cancer? What is wrong with me? I miss my Mom and Dad and Grandma and other family! Why does it seem like all my hair is falling out? Am I going bald? What if I go bald??? ARGH!!!

    HOWEVER ....
    while it is sad that he is getting deployed at least this time its only for 4 months and not an entire year! He will be alot safer where he is going than if he was going to somewhere like Afghanistan or Iraq. He is NOT missing the ENTIRE summer. He gets back July 27 so we will have all of August to do our fun outdoor stuff. When he is deployed it gives us the opportunity to connect in an entirely different way...almost feels closer because we have to express ourselves only through words on the phone or through e-mail. It gives us a chance to really appreciate each other when we've been apart for awhile. Mowing the lawn is good exercise! I have a trip home coming up and I will get to spend lots of time with my Mom and Dad and Grandma and other family! I'm lucky that I am healthy and my family is healthy and I do NOT have brain cancer...I've had an MRI and the doctor said my brain is fine. (maybe my thinking needs an adjustment...but structurally my brain is good) :-) We have the next 3 weeks together and we have fun things planned! Our hair goes through different phases and right now I am just losing more than normal. NOT going bald! Emily and I will be fine without Bob for a few months (4 is only a few, reall!). We are going to start going back to KinderMusik on Saturday mornings and dance classes on Thursdays. I can still be a good Mom when my husband is gone. I will just give myself an afternoon off once in a while to go get a pedicure or go shopping.

    Thanks Lindsay..you're right...everyone needs to have a pity party for themselves once in a while. Thanks for giving me a place to have one! ;-)

  2. Ugh, Angela :-(

    So so so many times when I have caught myself in a pity party about ANYTHING, I have thought about you and a few other women I know and my issues just don't compare.... you are such a strong woman! Your strength and your family's testimony speaks VOLUMES of how strong your family is... not just any family can make it through that kind of distance and come out stronger.

    I'll be praying for you, your precious baby girl, and your amazing husband.... when you get a chance, be sure to thank him for us :-)

    And thank YOU for being the woman behind him who keeps him going... I wish I was closer so our girls could play!

    Love you, friend!

  3. For some reason I lost you on my blog list when I switched templates and I just found you again! Missed keeping up with you!

    While I have been through nothing like you, we had a little of that last year. So delighted that our Peanut was placed in our family through adoption, and then so devastated that a tornado hit our home two weeks later and uprooted us from our comfortable nest. But then......we had this sweet little blessing, we were not home during the tornado, the house was fixed in 7 weeks while some of our neighbors' homes had to be knocked down and rebuilt, we were safe and unharmed while three children across the city died from injuries in the storm. We got new paint in almost every room, we have a new and better fence, our attic is almost finished, our dear friend and above-board contractor worked on our house. SO MUCH GOOD came from it, and not just from our house. We lived out our faith and people saw it and were encouraged by it. But we had all kinds of comments about how strong we were, and honestly we were so weak. Not in faith but in everything else. People mean well when they say things like that. No one knows how it can feel bad until they have reason for it to be said to them.

    Hoping this week is going SO MUCH BETTER for you!!!


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