Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Guest Post- Surprise Infertility

'RMA' has become one of my sweetest friends over the past year. A loyal follower of our blog, a huge encouragement to me, and someone who prayed for us constantly through our journey to bring home Baby Smith #2... she is inspiring to me.
RMA stepped out of her comfort zone in order to bring light to a side of infertility that I don't know... it's a side that I know will speak to so many of you and I am so thankful for her willingness to share her story...
Her story, so far....
If you were my friend on Facebook or followed me on Instagram, one of the first things you would notice is I have an adorable toddler. She will be two next year, and I am kind of obsessed with her.
I’m one of those moms.
I take pride in every {seemingly small} milestone she reaches, I post {an unnecessary amount} of weekly posts about cute things she says/does, and I {unapologetically} will never feel bad for talking about her so much.
So what is a person like me, with a happy, healthy baby that I birthed from my own body doing on a guest post on a blog where most of its readership comes from women/couples seeking out adoption or struggling with infertility?
My family fits into those categories now.
Most people don’t think that women who have birth children will reach a point in their life, in their prime birthing years, where infertility is an issue. Why would it be?
Although I’ve been reading Lindsay’s blog for quite sometime now, before any thoughts of infertility had ever crossed my mind, it’s true impact on me has only just begun.
You know how every time you reach a new phase of life everyone wants to know “What’s next?”…I’m there.
You know, you start dating someone… “When are you getting engaged?” ::check::
You get engaged… “When are you getting married?” ::check::
You get married… “When are you having a baby?” ::check::
You have your first baby… “When are you having another?” ….well, good question.
I get this question countless times a week, and sometimes I feel like I am asked multiple times a day. I can’t really blame anyone; I’ve never been sensitive to asking or receiving this question. Until a doctor visit I went to a few months ago.
My husband and I have been overjoyed in parenthood, and so we decided we wanted to start trying again for our second child earlier this year. Now, for most people, 8 months of trying and not getting pregnant would seem like no big deal. After all, it takes ‘normal’ couples sometimes a year to get pregnant, and then those who struggle with fertility it can take YEARS.
I think I left out something when I was talking about getting pregnant with my daughter.
My husband and I got pregnant in our first year of marriage. Unexpectedly. While I was on birth control.
Yeah, I was one of those.
Let me say for every woman who is or has been “one of those”, we can’t help how fast or unexpectedly we get pregnant. Sometimes I felt a little judged by friends who had been trying for awhile. You know, like it was ‘wrong’ of me to get pregnant so quickly. When really, it was just the Lord’s timing.
Ha. But oh, how the Lord works. More on that later.
So, 2012 rolls around and we make the plunge “let’s have another baby!” I honestly, naively expected to be pregnant the first month we started “trying” [charting, planning, you get the idea…]. But, 2 months went by, 4 months… now we are entering into our 9th month of trying and still now second child. So, what’s the deal?
A few months ago I went in for my yearly OB/GYN appointment, during my appointment I was discussing with my doctor that we hadn’t yet gotten pregnant although we had been trying. I honestly felt silly even bringing it up, because I know that’s not even a ‘real’ time frame that they consider‘troubling’ if you haven’t gotten pregnant. Anyways, he tells me to start taking ovulation tests, we are probably just not hitting our window. Ok, easy fix.
I buy the ovulation tests. Month 1 passes, no ovulation. Month 2, no ovulation. Month 3… hmm, maybe I should call the doctor.
To sum up several appointments and conversations into one sentence: I now have learned my body doesn’t ovulate anymore.
Why? Well, we aren’t quite sure, but it may have something to do with my body being damaged during delivery of my first baby. Or hormones. Or a slew of other options.
So here I am. With a desire for a second baby. With the inability to ovulate.
So, what do I do about that? Well, that’s where we are now. Ovulation releases the egg. So, without a release of the egg, that means I won’t be having any more babies as long as this issue persists.
So, now we are searching our options, dancing between the sovereignty of the Lord’s plan and the grieving of my heart to carry and birth another child.
But, the beautiful thing Lindsay’s blog has ministered to my heart is that your children won’t always come from your body, but they always come from the Lord. So, while I still have a strong desire for a second child, that doesn’t necessarily mean he or she will be born from my body, but they will be MY child.
Of course I want my body to ‘work’ the way I think it should, but I was reminded while listening to Elevation Worship’s “Give Me Faith” that ‘my flesh may fail, but my God you NEVER will.”
So, my flesh is failing. It isn’t working the way I want it to. I’m not getting my way. But it isn’t about my way, it’s about His way.
And you know how I mentioned earlier I was one of “those women”, who got pregnant out of nowhere, with no plan or thought or charting. I have friends like that now. Close friends who are getting pregnant, quickly. Unexpectedly. And do you now what my mind tells me ?“Ugh, annoying.” But do you know what my heart tells me? “It is the Lord’s timing for them, just as much as it was and is for you.” I have to remember that I have to remain close to the Lord so that I think with a eternal mindset and not a fleshly selfishness. I know how it feels to be on both sides, and they both have their moments where much grace is needed. I don’t want to be someone who is bitter for someone else because I want what they have. So I choose to hope.
I HOPE to be faithful to this journey He has set me on.
I HOPE to be gracious and thankful as He provides my needs according to HIS will and not my own.
I HOPE to not lose sight of the fact that the desires of my heart are important to the Lord, and so I shouldn’t feel guilty about pleading with the Lord for a child born from my body.
I HOPE to not lose sight of the fact that God is perfect even if my understanding isn’t and He may answer that prayer by never giving me another child from my body.
I HOPE that I don’t get discouraged when people ask me“What’s next?” when I truly can’t answer that.
I HOPE whether my second child will be created in me or in another woman, that they will know the fullness of the Lord’s plan for them was known before they were even born.
Basically, every day, I choose to HOPE.
Thank you, RMA... for praying me through so much and for being willing to share your heart. I am honored to be praying now for YOU... and I can't wait to see the end of this story that has just begun!


  1. This was such a great post. I love your basically, poem, about hope at the end. And I found it really helpful to read that no matter what - your kids are from the Lord, even if they're not from your own body. Your post helped me & ministered to me today. I cut and pasted some of it into a file to read through when I need to. I actually started the file right now. So thank you for posting this. I'll share it with my twitter feed, too (addisoncooper)


  2. Is there any way I can ask RMA a question? I know she wants to be anonymous but maybe you could ask her a question for me?

  3. I'd be more than happy to ask her for you! Feel free to email me or leave a comment and I'll post her response :-)

  4. Thank you!

    My husband and i are in the same boat, RMA and we've kept our struggle to have our second baby a secret for almost a year. No one knows except one of my closest friends. I feel like such a liar and a fake by keeping it from my family and friends but no time feels like the right time to talk about it. And then when we do finally talk about it, I wonder if people will be angry with us for keeping it a secret for so long?

    I'm wondering if you and your husband have discussed when the right time will be to finally talk about this new infertility? Is there a specific point when you think you'll 'know' you should say something?

    Lindsay~ You mentioned in a post a long long time ago that one of your biggest regrets is not telling your friends and family sooner when you and Joey were trying to get pregnant the first time because you missed out on a lot of support and prayer. I feel like I'm missing that and need it but how did YOU guys finally decide to stop keeping your secret?

  5. Anonymous,

    My heart resonates with you feeling as if there is no 'right' time to bring this kind of thing up to your family, especially depending on the type of family you have. Some families are close, some families are pleasant on the surface, and some families hardly talk.

    I gather you are somewhat close to your family, since you do seem to have a desire to talk about this- you are more so just struggling with the 'when' you bring it up, not the 'if' you bring it up.

    To answer your first question, yes, we have discussed a handful of times when we will bring this up to my family, how 'in detail' we will go, and all that goes along with that. However, no, we have not made a decision as to when that is. I think since we have not made it a full year in the 'trying' process, that is a subconscious goal of mine to reach - no specific reason really, just kind of sounds 'textbook' appropriate? If that makes sense...

    I am a pretty easy read with my emotions, so my family knows how much I ADORE babies, and so because of that they are constantly asking "why aren't you working on another one?" or "when are you going to give _____ a little sibling?". In those moments, I really have to remember to offer grace, because they really just do not know the context, and so I can't hold anger or bitterness towards them, I can only offer some quick remark in some sort of playful way, to take the attention off me and on to a laugh.

    I know the time will come when I feel like I want to be more vulnerable, but personally I am not ready for that, I guess - as dumb as this may sound - the more people I speak to about it, the more it becomes a reality that there is an 'issue' that I can't control. I'm also a bit of a control freak :)

    So, while that is not necessarily a healthy mindset...avoiding bringing it up to protect my heart... it is where I am honestly at.

    I talk to people that I feel will only bring encouragement my way, and right now, that isn't necessarily every member of my family, because you know how families are ;) they have their own opinions/suggestions/solutions for everything. :)

    I think I have kind of rambled and danced around both of your questions, and hopefully I gave you somewhat of an answer.

    Mainly, I hope you know how much the Lord will listen to your pain, frustration, irritation, and confusion - when you feel like you are ready for the family to know, it will be beneficial to you to have spoken about it intensely with the Lord first, because He will guide your heart and emotions to make you ready for that moment.

    Maybe take sometime to pray, or journal if you aren't a outloud prayer, and kind of petition the Lord with your thoughts, go ahead and get a lot of the emotion out that you expect to face when you talk to your family: ask God how to deal with anger if your family is 'angry' at you for holding a 'secret' (which, for the record, I will be praying that they offer grace and understanding...infertility is anything but a 'secret' it is a painful and personal issue, so I pray for maturity for whoevers ears the news will fall on)... ask God to reveal the right opportunity for a non-awkward conversation... tell God what's bugging the crap out of you. Just get your thoughts out. Then do it again. Then do it again. If you can flesh out your thoughts before your in the moment of bringing it up, you will likely handle the situation with a more ready heart and a clear mind.

    My heart goes out to you,


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