Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I Wasn't There....

I wasn't there....

When my babies were born.
When they took their first breath.
I don't know if they cried.
I wasn't the first person to hold them...
or smell them...
or feed them...
or change their diaper...
I wasn't there.
 It's one more part of adoption that I've always been ok with..... but now?

I can't shake it.
Hannah's birth-mom was so generous to us... we have ultra-sound photos, pictures of Hannah's birth, photos from her first couple weeks of life, and we were even able to order pictures that the hospital photographer took of Hannah in her first hours after birth.
Her First Mom... she didn't have to do that. She had every right to keep those special moments to herself.... and we never would have blamed her if she had.
But she didn't.
Hunter's birth was so different.... it was rushed and unplanned and scary. The first hands who held him were his doctors as they helped him fight for life. His first moments after he was born were panicked.
Still.... I don't know if he cried. I have only a couple pictures of him after he was born and those pictures are blurry (horrifying, too).... it's obvious through those photos that his first moments were an emergency.

But still.... I wasn't there.
In our 6 weeks at our first NICU, I met the nurses and doctors who were present at Hunter's birth.  Even though his First Mama hasn't brought it up (I'm sure it's still too painful) each doctor and nurse offered many many times to tell us the story of Hunter's birth. In the days and weeks that we were there, I was just never ready.

I knew it was scary and horrible.... but I wanted to the start of our family of 4 to start when we met our sweet boy. He was sick enough when we met... how could I possibly make it through those weeks knowing how much more awful his start to life was?

So when they asked if I had questions or wanted to know details of his birth... I said no.

In hind sight... I know I did what was best. The amazing thing is that I have access to those doctors and nurses and I know that we can ask our questions at any time...

and we will.

But ...

I wasn't there.

No story or photo or memory can replace the story and photos and memories that would have been made if we had been there.

I have never taken issue with this aspect of adoption.... it's never mattered to me.

Our children's First Parents deserve those memories.... had we the chance for a 'pre-birth' relationship (as many do!), things may have ended differently.

My mom and dad...

They were there when my brothers were born... and obviously when I was born, too ;-)

But just like I'm Still Infertile.... there's still a part of me, of a woman, that wants so badly to witness those first moments of life. The first glance. The first cry. The foot and hand prints. The weight and height. The first feeding.

And lately... it's become very obvious to me that I may never have the chance to witness those moments.

I don't know where this is coming from!
It could be that Hunter's birth wasn't 'normal', like Hannah's was. There's so much more mystery in his first moments of life.

It would be that I have many pregnant friends right now... like, a lot of them! They're attending birthing classes and preparing themselves for moments that I will never be able to prepare for.

And if that's what it is, I don't think it's jealousy....

I think it's one more part of adoption that a woman, a mama, has to grieve at some point or another.

I have grieved over my infertility.

I have grieved the experiences of feeling my baby move inside of me, or nursing him or her.

And now...

I'm grieving again.

I wasn't there.

And that's a hard reality for me right now.

And while I KNOW that I am entitled to grieve....

I also ask myself...

Do you want to experience those moments so badly that you would change the moments you HAVE been able to experience?

For both of my kids... they're first bath.

Their first baby noises and words.

They're first full night of sleep!

They're first foods.

They're first steps.

They're first .... everything from this moment on.

I get those.

So.... no.

I wouldn't change a single moment.

I will wonder... and one day, I will ask Jesus to tell me the story of my babies.

And I will travel, once again, through the grieving process that is one of many that come with infertility and adoption.

And maybe one day I will ask the questions I have to the one's who can answer them....

but for now, those moments are their's...

And I have mine....

And I wouldn't change a thing.



  1. Lindsay, your words always bring tears to my eyes. I'll never forget the first time we met. You and Hunter have made a very special impact on my life, and you're such an amazing woman to pour your soul out like this.

  2. I'm thankful for you every day, girl ;-)


We love to hear your thoughts, but if you leave one please own it and leave a name with your comment :-)