Saturday, October 6, 2012

The Art of Complaining... By, A Pro

About a year ago, Joey accepted a new job that moved us half way across the country... new job, new town, new friends... looking back now, I see how God has used even the seemingly small changes in our lives to bring us to where we are today.

 And today, we're in a good place ;-)
With Joey's new job came some pretty big life changes.... we were moving for the second time in 2 years (and that second move soon became a third), Joey's job required him to start travelling during the week (most weeks), and I struggled to make our new life fun and exciting and stress-free for Hannah...
I didn't handle it well.
We moved a lot when I was growing up... California to New York (3 different houses and then 1.5 years of college), New York to South Carolina, South Carolina to North Carolina.... you get the point. The most recent moves had us in Kansas, back in South Carolina, and again, back to North Carolina.
Moving didn't bother me. I make new friends fairly quickly, I'm not afraid to branch out in order to meet new people, and our family unit is strong so in the times when I could have felt alone, I felt surrounded.
But these last couple moves... they've changed me.
I don't know if it's my age... I'm more set in my ways and less able to tolerate change?
Maybe it's everything the past few years have brought us and my inability to leave those things behind... more infertility, numerous failed adoptions, difficult friendships, family members losing jobs.
It could be that I liked how our lives were turning out right before the big changes took place.... but I didn't.
So when I get right down to it, I know the truth in my heart...
I haven't been giving God the room He needs to show me His plan... his wonderful and perfect plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
In the depths of the pain and stress we have endured over the past few years, I have allowed myself to 'take a vacation' from trusting the One who, sadly, I deem responsible for the losses and pain and changes...

Filling the voids with myself and not with Him; the only One who can fully fill them.
I read my Bible, we go to church, I surround myself with friends who uplift and encourage me... who don't judge.
But I have complained every. single. step. of. the. way.
"Our old house was way better than this house."
"I liked my friends... I don't want new ones."
"My Dad's job made him travel a ton while I was growing up... and now I have a husband who travels."
"We've been through so much... how much more are you going to throw at us, God?"
"I deserve better."
"I do so much every day, for so many people, and where has that gotten me?!"
The list goes on.

I have mastered the Art of Complaining....
and in my opinion, not much in this world, in my world, can separate me from God more than complaining.

So I've found myself here; In this place where I am surrounded by amazing, wonderful, miraculous things.... and I've spent so much time complaining that the only thing I can truly see and feel... is myself.
I feel those amazing, wonderful, miraculous things slipping away... disappearing under the weight of my complaints.
My husband was out of town last night and as I got into bed, I got this text from him...
"You're such a good mommy. We love you so much.... thank you for doing so much for us."
And it all faded away.
The 4 year old attitude, the stained carpet where the dog peed, the disaster of a playroom that has been staring me in the face for 2 weeks, the pile of dirty laundry that I've been clothing my family from because we're out of detergent and I keep forgetting to pick some up, the lousy frozen dinners we've eaten this week, the bill that was due yesterday but I haven't paid because I can't remember my stinking password (OR login name!), the chipped nail polish that drives me absolutely CRAZY, the dishwasher that smells like a skunk but I have ignored because I really don't want to know why it smells like skunk, running out of my favorite perfume and being in a terrible mood all day just because of it, missing my parents and feeling like we're missing out on each other's lives, completely losing it because my 4 year old just wanted to wear her see-thru princess dress to the store and didn't want to wear shorts under it, holding a grudge over one off-handed remark that I know was actually really funny...

A comment I didn't deserve.... but one that was so badly needed.
It was all gone.

I can't take any of it back.... but I can control when and if it all happens again.
I went to bed last night after reading my husbands sweet text and I promised myself that I will do everything in my power to enjoy each moment.... the lesson that life is fragile hits too close to home lately and there isn't a second that is worth wasting.

And when I got home from picking Hannah up from school this afternoon....

on the door step.

I'm done wasting those precious seconds on something like complaining.

And I'm relinquishing my title as a Pro Complainer...
 because when all is said and done, I wouldn't change one, single. thing about my life... about the plan God has made just for me.

God really does know what He's doing... I have to spend more time on the sidelines so I can see all that he's doing in the ring...

after all... He's proven time and time again to be much better at planning my life than me ;-)

1 comment:

  1. I'm a complainer, too. Who isn't? My problem is gossip; i guess it goes hnd in hand with complaining sometimes :-/


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