Home Studies; A Tutorial

I LOVE it when you guys send me ideas for my next post.... there is so much to touch on when it comes to discussing infertility, adoption, and parenting! Send me your ideas and you know I'll do my best to be as honest as possible ;-)

Heather and her husband are getting ready to adopt through the foster care system and responded to one of my Facebook pleads for new ideas asking if I could help her travel through the home study process. Fortunately (umm... or unfortunately :-/), I'm a pro at home studies!

That's one thing an adoptive parent never wants to be... a pro at home studies. LOL!

Joey and I are actually getting ready for our up-teenth home study visit this week so Heather had perfect timing, as it's on my mind, too!

I'll start with 2 myths that I fully believed when preparing for our first home study;

Myth #1; Your house needs to be spotless so the social worker can see the pristine environment your future child will grow up in....

Yeah, right. I remember our social worker (whom we have been working with through Hannah's adoption AND our current process) mentioning that, while she never wants to walk into a pig sty, it's always nice to see a family in their day-to-day environment. 

Here's my advice; pick up the house. Don't leave your underwear laying around. Other than that, hiring a cleaning lady the day before your visit will only break the bank... not impress anyone.

Myth #2; It's not in your favor to admit to the beer you have with dinner, the fights you have over money, the time you waste on Pinterest, and the attitude a certain family member has toward your adoption. 

Be real. You're not searching for ANY child, you're searching for YOUR child... and YOUR child needs YOU; not who you pretend to be. No one is perfect and your social worker is aware of that.... show her who you are, how you spend your time (productive and unproductive), how you argue, how you make up, and who you surround yourself with.  She's been around the block... she'll no doubt know the amazing qualities that will make you incredible parents but a couple who admits to their faults is refreshing and honest. 

And a few words of advice....

 ~ Have a snack and drink prepared to offer your social worker. She's probably not going to show up famished or parched but food and drinks always calm the atmosphere. We all feel a little more in control and relaxed when we have something yummy in front of us :-)

~ If possible, have copies of your home study documents within reach during your visit. Most likely, your social worker has received all of your documents from a third party (lawyer, agency, DSS, etc) and things always get lost in transit. Having copies of those documents is not only a safety net for you, should a snag appear in the adoption process, but it can really save time if something is missing during your visit.

~ If you have children already, request a time for your visit when your child/ children are most likely to watch a show/ movie, eat a snack, or enjoy quiet time or a nap.  It might even be a good idea to ask your sitter or neighbor's daughter to come over to play games or out back for a little while. Your social worker will want to see you interact with your child, if possible, but they can also be a distraction and frustration for you when you're already anxious.  

~ While your nursery and home don't have to be ready and waiting for your baby at the time of your first visit, let this visit be your permission to dream and plan a little. A home study means that things are moving and you're getting closer and closer to your child.... it's now ok to peruse the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue, go to town pinning your favorite nursery ideas, stocking up on diapers, and choosing a few cute outfits. Your social worker will want to know what your plans are... which room will be his/her room? What have you done/ will you do to prepare your home before your baby's arrival? If you get a quick placement with little notice, will you feel ready?

Your turn.... what's YOUR advice for our new home study-ees??

How to be an Adoptive Mama... By, an Adoptive Mama

How to be an Adoptive Mama....

By: An Adoptive Mama

* When people comment on how great you look after just having a baby, politely thank them. You may not have birthed that baby but you HAVE planned and prepared for that baby, been up all night every night, stressed over one little cough, forgotten to eat multiple days in a row, and don't even know when you'll have time to pee next... AND, you're out in public!

You DO look great!

* When someone asks you how your baby's parents are or if you talk to them, politely tell them that you and your husband are geting along just fine and actually talk to each other every day, if they can believe it. Your baby's birth-parents/ First Parents are doing ok, too and "yes we speak to them regularly" or "no they've asked for some space while they heal and we'll be here when they're ready." 

If you wanna be nice(er), a gentle reminder on the correct terminology won't hurt, either ;-)

* You will inevitably run across people who think your children look like you, no matter their gender, race, or age.  God CHOSE that baby to be YOUR'S so, "Thank you! But wait until you see my husband... he/she's the spitting image of him!"

* When someone asks you where your child/children are from, tell them that your children are a product of 'the fruit of your labor'... and then ask them where their children are from ;-) 


* When your child asks you why they didn't come from your belly like the other kids, let them know that Jesus HAND-PICKED them to be your baby... and that your belly wasn't the right place for them to grow; Jesus kept them with Him until YOU were ready for them.

***************

* When someone asks you if you 'still want kids of your own', tell them that no matter how your family is built, your children are "On Loan From Heaven" ... and they're really just your's for just a while.

(Do you have any to add?!  Sarcastic OR serious ;-) .... I'd LOVE to include them!! Leave a comment and I'll add it.)

To My Babies; What I Want You to Know

A letter to my babies... present and future;

Sweet Babies~

The fact that our family has been grown through adoption is something you know; It's who we are. It's HOW we are.

And it's perfect.

You will grow up having access to your First Families... you each have a box; in that box is every single correspondence we've had with your First Family;  every letter, email, and card they've ever sent you or us, journal entries they've shared with us to give to you, the gifts they've sent you, every monthly update we were required to send to our agency... everything. It's all there for you to read and process when you're ready. You'll know your First Family as you grow up.... your Daddy and I will always know where they are and how they're doing and we'll keep them updated on YOU. We'll visit with them. You will always know them.

I imagine one day you'll have questions for your birth parents; Why did you choose adoption for me? How did you know my Mom and Dad were right for me? Did you love me? Did you think about me? And many more, I'm sure...

But babies, your Daddy and I don't have a box for each of you... a place where we write you letters and store our memories. Still, there are a few things I want you to know... things that will always be in you but things that you'll need to read and be reassured about as you grow. Things that I want you to hear from me... your Mommy.

What I Want You to Know

~ We didn't do anyone any favors when God brought you into our lives and we brought you home. We weren't saving your birth parents or even you from whatever it was that prompted them to place you in our arms. We aren't 'amazing people' because our family is grown through adoption. Adoption IS our family. It's not even a choice your Daddy and I mulled over and debated about... it's just us. You have done more for us than we could ever hope to do for you... and we will spend every day of our lives doing our very best. 

~ YOU were wanted and loved before we ever knew you.... by us and your birth parents. For us, seeing you for the first time only put a precious face to that love. There has never been... and never will be a time that you aren't wanted. You are necessary for our family to be... for it to exist.

~ You weren't our second choice. There's no rank when it comes to how the Lord chooses to build a family but I imagine some kids might struggle with this as they get older. Did you try to get pregnant before you found me? Did you continue trying to get pregnant after me? What made you decide to stop 'trying'? Do you ever wish you HAD gotten pregnant? Your Daddy and I tried our best to listen to God... to follow His lead and trust Him to bring our babies to us, no matter HOW He chose to do it, our babies were missing and our hearts were aching for you.  We followed a path to you that was full of anxiety, impatience, excitement, let-downs, and thankfullness. We had to travel that path, through all of that 'stuff' to be who WE needed to be for YOU. For that reason alone, we would repeat everything ... our quest to grow our family, all over again in a second if it would bring us YOU. Our arms weren't aching for a biological child.... they were aching for OUR child. For you. You were always our first choice.


~ It's ok to ask questions. ANY questions. About your adoption, about relationships, about Jesus, about drugs or alcohol or sex, about ... anything. You can ask me and your Daddy or your Uncles... they're your best resource for adoption. ;-) When you're old enough and have formed your own list of questions, you can ask your First Parents.... you can ask them anything. Your story... your history; past, present, and future are vital pieces of your existence....  Your Daddy and I don't know the answers to some of the questions you'll have but we will do everything we can to help you find the answers. You deserve to know and it's ok to ask. Your birth parents AND us give you permission to ask... anything, anytime.

` Your testimony began before you were even born. I wish I could introduce each of you to every single person who prayed for you.... who prayed for us while we tried so hard to wait patiently for you. The first chapters of your lives started in our living room where friends surrounded me and your Daddy and cried with us and prayed that God would ease the ache in our hearts until you came home. They prayed for your First Parents and that God would ease the ache in THEIR hearts as they struggled to make decisions for you. Each of your homecomings brought friends and family to their knees.... your precious faces in our full arms were proof that God answers prayer.  People who weren't close to God for whatever reason couldn't even deny HIS hand in YOUR homecoming. YOU are proof of that.... over and over and over again.

~ There IS a plan for your life. Your Daddy and I knew that the Lord had plans for you far beyond what we could imagine the first time we looked at your faces. I don't know if you'll be doctors, teachers, waiters, CEOs, Pastors, lawyers, janitors, or musicians..... but no matter what you are, be it with everything that's in you. Sometimes you'll fail... and it'll suck. Lesons learned, tears cried, anger released and you'll be ok. I can't promise 'your plan' will be easy.... mine hasn't always been. But it will be worth it. It's hard to remember in those moments but it's all part of the plan... the plan that's greater than any of us can imagine. YOUR life plan.

I know there's more, babies, and maybe I'll add to this list over time; but this last one... it's the most important. I never want you to forget it and I will spend every day of my life showing you...


I love you.


More than Diet Coke, and cupcakes, and Raspberries, and pedicures, and Sweet Tarts, and shopping, and Lily's, ....

I love you more than anything... I did then, and I do now, and I will 'when'.

~ Your Forever Mama



50 Shades of Magic Mike

I wrote a LOOOOOONG post that addresses something that's been weighing heavily on my mind for a few weeks now... I'm not sure where this new post will take me but I know I won't rest easy until it's done.

50 Shades and Magic Mike.

There. I said it.  They're on my mind.

Since I've decided not to publish my LOOOOOOONG post, I'll quickly summarize;

* I addressed "Mommy Porn"

* I listed tons of Bible verses

* I mentioned my friends who are Christian women, wives, and mommies

* I talked about BDSM (I hope many of you don't know what that is...)

* I talked about 'Magic Joey' ;-)
* I talked about how demoralized women are in these works and how we don't even realize it

* I emphasized a million times how I refuse to judge anyone who chooses to read the book or see the movie

* I said over and over how every word I wrote was my own and how they didn't have to be everyone else's, too

* I talked about the justifications I've seen/heard lately from said Christian women;

"There's a deeper story of love and relationships that has nothing to do with BDSM or abuse or control."

"They can't be all that bad because they are getting so much press.... strip clubs and porn don't get press because they are shameful and should be kept a secret."

"Book II of Shades is such a great love story."

"Reading Shades put me 'in the mood', made me want my husband, and brought back my sex drive!"

You get the point.

I'm not posting that post.

I'm not interested in getting into arguments over Scripture vs. Today's World and how different it is from Bible times, or how unfair it is that men are pushed to get counseling for porn addiction and women get off scott-free or...

You get the point.

I'm not posting that post.

I don't care to know what that book did for your sex drive. I really don't want anyone to feel judged by my thoughts and feelings. I do want to be clear that while I don't condone Christian women, especially reading and spreading around a book or movie like those, that you reading / seeing it in no way changes the way I look at you.

I'm not posting that post....

Because when it's all said and done. When the arguments reach a dead-end. When we all just have to agree to disagree. When feelings are hurt and people feel judged....

I just can't stop thinking about my baby-girl.

My daughter.

The daughter of mine who will one day soon see a boy and think he's kinda cute.

The daughter of mine who will, in the blink of an eye, be dressing up for her first date with that cute boy.

The daughter of mine who will inevitably share my passion for reading.

The daughter of mine who will one day not too far from now, be asking me to help her with her veil.

The daughter that my husband will one day walk down the aisle.

The daughter that will one day marry that cute boy.

And the daughter who one day soon, I will, against everything in me, have to release into that cute boy's protective, loving, compassionate, and passionate arms.

I pray every day that he is protective, loving, compassionate, and passionate.

Towards her. For her.

I read about half of 50 Shades before I deleted it, so please don't think that I am judging without knowing.... I know. I read, too.  I am also the first one to admit that I love a good romance novel once in a while! But some of the scenes in that book will forever be engraved in my mind.

And I wish they weren't.

You can't undo what you read or see.

When I think of my daughter, my precious baby-girl, one day reading that book I cringe. It terrifies me to think that our society TODAY is accepting.... no, BEGGING for a book like that. What is society going to deem as 'appropriate' when she's a teenager, in college, dating, or a mommy?

I just don't see how it could get any worse.

I don't want that cute boy to know the awful things that are in that book. I don't want him to get any ideas or think that those things are acceptable or normal in any relationship. And especially in a relationship with my daughter.

And you know what else?

I don't want my daughter to look through my Kindle or stack of DVD's one day and know that her mommy owns them.

Because then that makes them ok for her.

Today, in this moment, I am the epitome of everything a woman should be in the eyes of my daughter. My own mom is still that in my eyes and I can only hope that I will continue to be in Hannah's when she is grown, married, and has kids of her own.

What kind of woman would I be today if 50 Shades and Magic Mike were household names when I was growing up? If Grey sat on my mom's nightstand or by the bathtub?

If that was my childhood, I bet you know what kind of books and movies I'd be watching as a teenager.....

I could go on and on ..... but I'm not posting that post.

Maybe every one of you reading this post now thinks I'm a complete prude... or maybe I've ticked a couple people off.... maybe this is all just a little too dramatic.... maybe I am officially the least cool person you know....

Bible verses aside (and there are HUNDREDS of them.... I've done my research!), all things 'God' aside, porn aside, judgements aside....

My own personal reasons for not finishing 50 Shades and for not joining my girlfriends on Magic Mike girl's night are numerous, and they're my own.... they in no way have to be your's, too.

But the only one I can't justify or move past is my daughter... her purity and innocence.

And I have trouble getting past one more point...

I'm a daughter, too.

"A Baby Won't Fix Everything...."

I'm sure you've heard it many times before....

"A baby won't fix everything..."

Whether you were trying to get pregnant and were finding yourself frustrated month after month, negative test after negative test ... or while in the process of trying to adopt and felt yourself drowning in home study paperwork, feeling completely exposed by the intimate details of your life that you're required to reveal .... all while thinking about how 'unfair' it is that 'other women' can just have sex, and get pregnant. In the midst of a 'vent'with someone you trust (spouse, trusted friend, or family member), someone will inevitably utter these words....


"Be patient and enjoy the time you have right now.... a baby won't fix everything."

While I agree that it IS a lot of unnecessary pressure to place on a baby that is expected to 'fix everything' from birth, I also think that in the world of adoption the statement rings true on so many fronts. 'A baby' is what this whole process is about. It's why we cry, scream and yell when we realize over and over again that there is NO amount of charting, timing, or sex that can bring us that sweet bundle. It's why we bury ourselves in work so we can forget the "wait". It's why we walk quickly by the baby section in the store. It's why we pretend that seeing our friends pregnant doesn't hurt just a little. It's why our 'bad moods' seem much more frequent and a little bit more extreme. It's why going to baby shower after baby shower gets harder and harder and being excited gets faker and faker.

And you wanna know something else????


All of the other crap outside of getting a baby that needs to be 'fixed' was probably caused by the stress itself.


It won't all go away when baby comes....

The fights about when to have sex and who's 'fault' it is and all of the money you're 'wasting' on infertility treatments will stop... but there will most certainly be knock-down, drag-out fights when you're both sleep-deprived and trying to calm a screaming baby.



The doctors appointments and blood work and ultra-sounds will stop... but you will spend quite a bit of time in your pediatricians office getting vaccines, checking weight, and desperately trying to help your baby who has reflux or colic.



The secrets you keep from coworkers and family and friends about why you come to work so late or how much time you're taking off or why there are always band aids on your arm will stop.... but you will try your hardest to hide your exhaustion and border-line depression as you transition into parent-hood because after all of the waiting and crying and emptiness, you simply cannot complain or show your frustration to anyone who might see you as ungrateful.

The twinge of pain you feel as you celebrate your friend's baby at her shower and the hours you spend crying after will stop.... but you will struggle with the differences in showers for women who know how to plan and prepare for their baby and women who don't or can't until baby is already home.

My point?


In the world of adoption, a baby does fix a whole lot...


And in the middle of the wait, when the baby brings with him or her the ability to take away so much pain and sadness and stress....


And since this whole process is about that baby, in the first place...


I've learned that a baby still won't fix everything.


(But your arms won't be empty the next time you cry about whatever stressor comes next...  and THAT is one more thing that makes the wait worth it ;-))

Doing 'Life'...

(Stick with me.. it's been a while and I may start one place and end another but I DO have a point.... promise ;-))


Have you ever met someone for the first time and after spending some time with them, you just get the feeling that they don't have room in their life for more friends? For you?

 I have. I think there's a strong possibility that we all have.... us women, that is. (Though from time to time, I've seen it happen to my husband, too).

It happened to me about 2 weeks ago and I have to be honest, it's bugged me ever since.

You're in a room with strong, successful, independent, accomplished women who have known each other for years and you.... well, you're the new one. You're the one who didn't quite get there in time to make the cut...

Ok. Ok... maybe I'm being dramatic but regardless of the situation, the feeling of being an 'outsider' or the 'odd man out' isn't a feeling that's easy to shake. Especially as a woman.

Female relationships have always been hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I've always had amazing girlfriends... namely my mom, my cousins, and a close childhood friend. I made a couple lifelong friends when we lived in Charlotte, and a couple more when we lived in Kansas; We talk regularly, we know when support is needed, and we trust each other with everything.

I've lost friends, too.

Yes, life happens. Yes, people grow apart. Yes, things change... people change.

Growing up, I didn't know how to 'do' long-term friendships. I had my family and those two life-long, pick up where you left off, grow old together friends and that was enough for me. It was ok with me as people came and went in my life and as I came and went in theirs as long as I had those women.

But I always noticed the cliques... the groups of girls, they always had a 'leader', who did everything together; sports, parties, girls' nights, trips.... everything. Did you know those girls? My high school was notorious for this (no offense, SHS).... it was small and everyone knew everyone and they knew each other since before they were born. They knew each other well and well, it was hard not to feel that they had all the friends they needed.

I never want to be the one, or be with the one's, who make someone feel like that. Like the one there isn't room for. I know I've done it, I'm sure I've done it... have you?

Do you have people that you can 'do life' with?

I had an amazing friend when we lived in Kansas.... there was no doubt in my mind that we were going to be lifelong friends. We were as opposite as two people can be, we were both as strong-headed as they come, we believed completely different things, voted in completely different parties.... and we were almost inseparable. Our husbands were close friends and our babies were BFF's.

 

Were.

Over time and distance, she and I drifted apart. I never wanted that to happen (I really doubt she did, either)... but it did.

Those things, those families, seem to be harder and harder to find.

 

 

I grew the most as a woman and as a friend during that year and a half that we had together. I left Kansas with life-long fiends, even though she and I aren't close anymore... there are others' :-). She challenged me to be better. She pushed me to try harder. She encouraged me to change myself for the better. She knew my insecurities and fears and she never made me feel ridiculous for them.... but she was going to make sure I overcame them.

But I'll never forget what she said to me one of the very first times we chatted while our babies played....

"I'm so glad I met you when I did because I was only one or two friends away from declining any more friendship applications. I have enough of them!"

I knew she was just being funny and I thought it was hilarious at the time...

At the time I was happy to have made it into her 'circle'.... I was happy to have been 'accepted' as her friend.

 

I wish 'life' hadn't happened in that friendship.

I know it's been a while since my last post; partly because we've had a lot of huge life changes and happenings, including moving (again!), weddings (yes, plural), and even a few adoption-related 'happenings'.... I guess 'life' has happened lately.



Can I be honest?



(Of course I can... it's MY blog ;-))



I don't think I always 'do life' well.



You see, I'm a 'tough girl'. Sure, there are times when I wear my heart on my sleeve but I am extremely selective in who I do that with. I've thought a lot about this part of me.... maybe it's a strength, maybe it's a weakness... maybe it depends on the week. My friend in Kansas... the one I lost.... she sparked in me the desire to know why I shield myself and my emotions from people who love me.



Is it fear of getting hurt? Fear of trusting? Pride? A control issue?



For me, it's the fear of being vulnerable.



Of being judged?



(Yes, friends.... I, Lindsay, owner and writer of this blog, is afraid to be vulnerable. HA!)



Let me clarify...



For me, it's the fear of being vulnerable FACE to FACE with someone whom I might see in the next day or two... or three... or four.... or.....ever.



The past few weeks have tested my ability to be vulnerable like never before. I've had to admit that sometimes life is too tough. I've had to acknowledge that, while i might look back on a week and see that it was good, my day-to-day is pretty tough. I've pushed myself to my limit and I've had no choice but to be transparent and I have struggled with feeling weak and like a failure and ungrateful and distracted and ... the list goes on.



Have you struggled with infertility? At ANY level?
Have you experienced any part of the adoption process?
Maybe you've gone through a divorce...
Maybe you were fired...
Or maybe you're sick...
Or...



Then you know what I'm talking about.



I have been challenged and pushed and stretched beyond what I ever thought I could handle and here's the thing...



I wouldn't change it for the world.



(You know the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle?" I have news for you... HE DOES! And then he gives you the resources to figure it out ;-))



Those feelings don't mean that you're not happy. That you don't like your life. Not even close!


Is it hard? yes.
Do I want to quit sometimes? yes.
Have I handled myself poorly? yes.
Do I act more like a child sometimes than my own 3 year old? yes.



But out of it all, I have learned to be vulnerable.



In Real Life.



Face to face.



I've taken so much time lately rehashing certain parts of my life; friendships, marriage, infertility, adoption, job changes, moves, illness, family challenges and I can now see how God used every relationship and every circumstance and every tear and every sleepless night...



To get me to where I am today.



Yes. At times I feel stressed and stretched and challenged and overwhelmed and inadequate.



But I'm here. With the family I prayed so long for.



And there's no where else I'd rather be.



In fact... I would do all of it over again just to get here.... again.

 

 

I'm blessed.

 

 

(I hate it when people say that. FYI. What does it even MEAN when someone says, "have a blessed day?" Like it's YOUR choice! Ok ok... done with my little rant  ;-) )

 

 

 

In the past few weeks of feeling overwhelmed and inadequate and stressed and on the verge of who-knows-what, I have learned that I am loved. I have family who listens and who don't judge but who know how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and they encourage me to keep it up. I have AMAZING friends who know how hard it is for me to ask for help... so they don't ask; they just DO. I have everything I've ever wanted...

 

 

 

And so much more.

 

 

So a bad day? Or a bad week? Or even a bad year and a half of waiting for Baby Number 2 isn't really all that bad...

 

 

If it gets me to where I am.

 

 

Or if it gets me to where I'm going to BE.

 

 

When was the last time you were truly vulnerable? If you're like me and the thought alone makes you sick, just pick a place to start; email a friend, write in your journal, leave an anonymous comment here, call a friend or family member who isn't part of your daily life. Tell someone about your negative pregnancy test, or about how angry you are at your body, or how hurt you are by someone's disloyalty, or when someone asks you, "How are you doing?", TELL them! Sometimes it's ok to say, "I'm NOT ok."



And then when you're done, ask them the same. I promise they won't say, "I'm good!" ;-)
I've leaned that if I'm vulnerable with a friend/family member I truly trust, they each have a wealth of knowledge to offer me... and always at the perfect time! I have some smart friends ;-)




I've also learned so much lately about the power of transparency... it's not only healthy for YOU but it shows others' who you really are; chances are, they know the 'good' side of you pretty well... let them see the 'other' side. The side that needs people.

 

 

I had a serious conversation with myself today and I wondered what the Bible had to say about being vulnerable. One verse came to mind and to me, it sets the perfect example for us of how to be vulnerable....

 

 

"Jesus wept."

~ John 11:25

Miracles

Once in a while I'll get one word in my mind and I'll have trouble moving past it. Sometimes I know where it came from... a song, a verse, a conversation, etc... and sometimes I have no idea where it came from. More often than not and as the days pass, the 'why' will inevitably make itself clear.

I heard a song the other day that used to be one of my favorites... one of those songs that just sticks in your mind and makes  sense (or at least changes your perspective) no matter the situation you've found yourself in....

The song's not even about miracles but if you were to reverse each of those situations, you would consider them miracles. ..

It's like rain on your wedding day....

It's like a death row pardon two minutes too late...

It's the good advice you just didn't take.

I know what God says about miracles... HE'S the one who performed them. In fact, He's the ONLY one who has performed them.... in all of history!

Have you ever noticed that every time someone refers to a miracle, that miracle is somehow attached to God?

Always. No matter if someone believes in Him or not... because He's the ONLY "god" in History who is known to perform miracles.

Because He's the ONLY ONE who can.

Who has.

Who does.

"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted."

Job 9:10 NIV

It has made me sad lately that we only seem to give credit for *big* miracles... healing someone who has Cancer. Finding out that someone who was declared dead is now alive.

What about our elderly grandparents who are still alive to meet their great-grandchildren? How about this morning when you lost your keys and were sure you'd be late for work but they showed up in the fridge? And when your parent had been so sick that you were sure within a couple weeks you would know what it would be like to live your life without him/her? The car accident you witnessed on the way to work this morning that you weren't a part of but should have been if you hadn't left your keys in the fridge? The unexpected check that came in the mail when you had just been begging God to show you how you could pay your bills this month?

I don't know each of you (tho I wish I did!) but I think I can guarantee with 99% certainty that every one of you have experienced one or more of the above 'coincidences'.... 'happenings'.... 'strokes of luck'....

'miracles'.

Because they are.

Definition; A surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is considered to be divine.

Divine.

I like that word.

I have spent the past couple weeks just observing... I've watched and listened. I've found that I am completely surrounded by miracles each and every day... many that I'm too busy to notice.

"Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles..."

1 Chronicles 16:12 NIV

I've made it a priority lately to take a second at the end of each day to reflect on the day's miracles, however small they may be.... finding my keys. Getting a full night's sleep. Having dinner planned and ready before 5pm. The great coupon that came in the mail precisely when I needed a new faucet for the kitchen sink.

And I've found that when you take a second to reflect on the small miracles, you'll end up even more grateful for the large ones....

My daughter. My period (something I NEVER imagined I'd be thankful for.... but without it, I wouldn't be a mom). My husband's job. My Daddy's job. Our savings account, however small it may be ;-).

My life.

When you get right down to the nitty-gritty you realize how complex and intricate our lives actually are.... and you become even more aware of the miracles that surround you every day.

Every. Single. Day.

Possessive much?

Here's the 'thing' about adoption....

Ok, ok.... here's ONE MORE 'thing' about adoption;

An amazing woman carried my child in her belly for 9 months..... she loved that child and stayed healthy for her and there's no doubt in my mind that she talked to her, sang to her, and connected with her as a mommy should with her baby throughout her pregnancy.

But that woman wasn't me.

And I'm my baby-girl's mommy.

But she was, too.

My baby didn't hear my voice talking to her and singing to her for 9 months. She wasn't calmed by the beating of MY heart or by the rhythms of MY breathing. She didn't snuggle into my chest in her first few moments after birth, inhaling my scent and feeling my skin on hers. I wasn't the first person she saw the very first time she opened her eyes. I wasn't the first one to feed her or change her or put her to bed and tuck her in.

All of that? That's ok with me.

Her First Mama deserved to claim those first experiences and I would never think to take those away from her...she did them perfectly. 

But I'm the mama who holds that same baby-girl on a daily basis. When that baby-girl smells my perfume or lotion, it's me who she connects it to. She is comforted by the sound of my voice talking to her or singing to her. She's calmed by the feel of my skin on hers and by the feel of my hands stroking her back or hair. She counts on our nightly routine and the feeling of safety and security she gets from me.

Our adoption agency emphasizes the importance of bonding. They claim that it is absolutely crucial to a baby's development and security. They hold their families to extremely high standards when it comes to ensuring that the babies they place have every opportunity possible to KNOW their parents and feel safe and loved with them.

Because with adoption, nature doesn't trump nurture.

In every way possible, nurture trumps nature.

Our agency insists that in the first few weeks home with a baby, no one but that baby's parents or grand-[parents should be feeding, changing or even holding the baby... those proven bonding experiences need to be cherished and protected.

This goes against the grain of what is commonly known as 'the bonding process' for a newborn.... but it's true.

When we first brought Hannah home we were what most of our friends and family called 'possessive' of our time with her, holding her, feeding her, comforting her, touching her.

We were the only one's to do any of the above.... for months.

To an average parent, we were possessive.

To parents who weren't the first to hold their baby, or talk to their baby, or touch their baby, or smell their baby, or comfort their baby.... to the parents who didn't meet their baby until they had been out of the hospital for days or weeks or months....

to those parents, we were bonding.

When we brougnt Hannah home, we were blessed to be 'backed' by an amazing agency... an agency that had enough experience to know what expectations and guidelines they needed to place on their waiting families.

With Hannah, it was easy for us to place the 'blame' for our 'possessiveness' on our agency... on our contract and on their rules.

We were criticized by *some* of our family and friends... we were questioned when we refused to let our baby-girl be held or to be passed from person to person. We were written off as possessive when we insisted on being the only ones to feed and change her. We were given a lot of 'looks' from those 'more seasoned' parents we knew when we adamantly insisted that those who DID hold her, washed their hands before doing so and limited the time they held her.

People in general, thought we were crazy.

And we were.

We were crazy in love with our baby-girl; The one we had been waiting so so long for. The one who, at times, we never thought would come. The one who our arms physically ached for. The one we loved deeply and the one we were desperate...

to bond with.

There are many many things that differentiate the journey of bringing home a biological child and an adoptive child but this one? This one tops my list of 'Most Important'... it's not even Top 5...

It's #1.

Adoptive parents have to be intentional when bonding with their child. They have to focus and work and yes sometimes, they even have to be...

possessive.

In Hannah's first few months at home with us, we were crazy parents who didn't let anyone else hold or feed or change our baby. In those first few weeks after our work to bond to our daughter, there was no doubt in anyones mind who she belonged with... who she was comfortable with... who she *knew* and who she was bonded to.

Us.

We might have missed the first 11 days of our daughter's life and it may have taken weeks or even months to make up for it...

but it was worth it.

What's my point?

Bringing a baby home is exciting for everyone... for the parents, grandparents, close friends, neighbors, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. It will always be exciting!

But when a family brings home a baby through adoption, there are a few differences....

and if you're reading MY list, *bonding* is #1.

If you're a hopeful adoptive parent;

Don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to bond with your baby. Make sure you set boundaries and expectations of the people who love you and your baby. and explain them thoroughly... but make sure that YOU are his or her number one love and his or her safety and security and comfort.

I have never for a day regretted the time and effort Joey and I put into bonding with our baby-girl.... it was difficult in the moment to explain and defend the boundaries we had set and we might have hurt some feelings in the process.... but the end result is having an irreplaceable, unbeatable, and unconditional bond with our daughter that no one else is capable of having with her.

And that's the way it should be... in families who grow through conception or in familes who grow through adoption.

Her Last Day As My 'Only One'....

.... Is not today.

Or maybe it is....

But maybe it's not, too.

Welcome to adoption, friends!

I've thought so much lately about the differences and similarities between the experience of conceiving and the experience of adopting... there are so so many of both.

This is the difference that has stood out to me.... it's the one i've been painfully aware of.... the one I loathe and at the same time, the one I appreciate most....

timing.

We've talked about 'waiting' but we haven't touched on 'timing'.... a different topic, entirely.

Most couples, with the exception of a few, know within a week or two of when their family will grow.... at the very least, they have a due date; something those of us in the adoption world don't know much about.

At all.

Those couples can plan and prepare and they can dream.... but their dreams have an end date. They know when their dreams will come true.

We don't.

Couples who conceive, with the exception of a few, know HOW to prepare for their family to grow... and they know how to prepare those around them.

How do we prepare?

We tell those around us when we're hoping to adopt.... and we are accountable for answering questions and interrogations about our intentions. When everyone understands and chooses to be supportive, we then answer questions like "when is your baby going to be born?" and "when do you get to choose your baby?" and "why is it taking so long?"

We prepare a nursery.... and know every second of it's planning that it may remain empty for a long long time. The process of preparing the nursery is exciting and exhilarating... and when it's done, it represents emptyness, no matter if it's empty for a day or for a year.... you remember it's emptyness.

We prepare our hearts... knowing full well that God's plan is better than our own but nonetheless, fighting His perfect plan every step of the way.

We walked through every one of those things in our wait for Hannah and have walked through many of them a second time in our wait for Baby #2.... but there is one new addition to that list that no one can prepare you for....

Hannah will always be our first born. She will always have that special place in our hearts as the first one we waited for, the first one we prayed for, and the one who gracefully and wonderfully and perfectly introduced us to parenting... she's the one who taught us how to be parents.

She was the first dream we had together ... and it came true.

I wonder every day lately if today will be her last day as my only baby. I wonder if I've shown her enough attention, if the time we've spent alone together will carry her through the next weeks, months, and years as our oldest child. I wonder if we've been able to instill in her, bury in her the depth of our love for her.... our unconditional love for her. I wonder daily if she's ready... if we're ready; if we've had enough time with her.... if she's learned everything she needs to as the oldest and for a short time, only child. I wonder where the rule-book is that teaches us what to do on our child's last day as our only.

I wonder if we've learned enough.

When I find myself lost in these thoughts, I can't help but wonder if my fear and anxiety come from a place in me that truly wonders if...

if WE'RE enough.

For Hannah or for Baby #2 or 3 or.... (I better stop at 3 or I'm gonna really scare my husband ... what he doesn't know can't kill him, right? ;-))

(Ok.... so now you're thinking "you REALLY want to do this again???)

(The answer is yes. No one said it didn't suck... but everyone says it's all worth it in the end ;-))

The truth?

Hannah will ALWAYS be our oldest and will ALWAYS have that special place in our hearts as our first....

but our second will ALWAYS hold that special place as our second.

And our third will ALWAYS hold...

you get it :-)

Something about waiting for number 2... something about knowing that today could be my last day with an 'only child'....

makes me grieve.

But I guess baby #1 didn't come along until Joey and I were ready....

and baby #2 won't come along until Joey and I and Hannah are ready.

I like that.

I want so badly to make every day count with Hannah... I want to know that she knows how special it is to be 'an only'.

Maybe you're in the wait for number 1..... this applies to you, too.

It's so easy to get caught up in 'the wait'.... but it's also easy to lose sight of your 'first love'...

your husband (or wife :-)).

Spend your last few moments of each day (after time with the Lord and time making babies) to engrave your day in your mind. Write it down, list the day's events, blog it... do something to remember that day as if it was your last day with your First Love.

Because Joey and I know all too well that your last day could be today ;-)

(If you have a minute, head over and read my friend's newest post... I LOVE her concept of 'Birthday Nights'!)

Making Babies (If you can't handle a little TMI, just move on)

I remember the night we learned about Hannah....

We had met Hannah's First Mom when she was a day overdue... we had plans to meet her again the next day but she cancelled about 2 hours before our meeting.

We were devastated.

Our agency told us to move on... "your baby is around the corner... this just wasn't him/her!"

10 days later we learned her reason for cancelling...

She was in labor.

Ok, fine. You are allowed to cancel a meeting if you're in labor.... but that's the ONLY reason!!

 ;-)

Hannah was 10 days old when we met her First Mom for the second time and her First Father for the first time. We spent 2 hours getting to know each other ... then they went to dinner to talk and we went...

home.

At 9:23pm that night my phone rang...

"If you and Joey can be at the agency office tomorrow morning at 10, you can pick up your baby girl!"

Hmmm.... nope, sorry. We're busy.

;-)

Our agency had/has fairly strict rules about who you can/can't tell when you receive placement of a baby... relinquishment in NC gives birth-parents 7 days to change their mind after placing their baby so the thought is that the less people who know, the less painful it will be if they do, in fact change their minds.

I admit... it's a tough rule to follow on one of the greatest, most waited for days of your life!

But, they've been successfully building families for 30 years and well, they know the ropes and we followed them.

But of course we called our moms :-)

I distinctly remember calling my mom that night. We spent about 5 minutes laughing and crying and then I panicked and realized that I had to clean the house, run to WalMart for all of the necessities, put the car seat in the car, wash some baby clothes, and so much more before 10am.

As we neared the end of our chat my Mom said,

"Lindsay, those things will take care of themselves. Your house will get messy with a baby in it, the clothes will pile up no matter how much you try to stay on top of them, and a baby needs only a place to sleep, food to eat, and a mommy and daddy to love her. Tonight, you need to get a good night's sleep...and you and Joey need to spend time together making your daughter."

I know, I know... it sounds completely wrong coming from anyone, much less from your Mom but her words have stuck with me for 3.5 years now. 

Mom and Dad suffered through infertility while trying to have what ended up being me ;-) so anything my Mom says to me comes from a place in her that truly 'gets it' and because of that, I take her words to heart... and I rarely forget them.

I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about 'making babies.' The phrase just means something different for those of us who have traveled through infertility.... at any level.

Can we be honest?

(of course we can... it is MY blog, after all ;-))

It doesn't matter if you have been given a life-sentence of never bearing children or if you've been given an 'umbrella diagnosis' of "I have no idea what's wrong with you".... every time you have sex with your husband/wife you wonder,

"Will I get pregnant this time?"

"What if the Dr's are wrong?"

"2 weeks from now I will be peeing on a stick no matter what 'just in case!'"

"What if we're making a baby RIGHT NOW?!?!"

"I should elevate my hips just to be safe!"

Am I right?

Because miracles DO happen! And people who never thought they would, get pregnant every day! And  WHY NOT YOU!??!?

I'm not sure why yet but all of this has been running through my head lately but here's what I've finally concluded from it all...

In the past 6 years that Joey and I have been have been married and have been having sex, we have made...

Over 40 babies!!!

I'm serious.

We timed sex correctly every month for 3 years and off and on for 3 years after that.

We've done NOTHING wrong in our efforts to conceive.

We've temped and charted and rhythm-ed and elevated and lubed and ...

well, you get it.

;-)

Our babies have been made. They won't come from our physical makeup.... our DNA. They won't inherit our traits or our ailments.

But they have been made by us... over and over and over again.

They have been created over and over and over again with love and intention and determination and prayer.

So while our babies won't come from our flesh, they were still made by us.

I got off the phone with my mom that night and I ran to Target, Joey's mom ran to WalMart, and my mom ran to both. I came home and cleaned like a mad-woman. Joey carefully and diligently installed the infant seat in the car. I washed clothes. He set up the pack n' play. We both got in bed.

We prayed. We cried. We dreamed.

And we went to bed....

because our daughter, our baby-girl had been created by us over and over and over again.

So here we are in our second 'wait' and while the thoughts are the same every time we make love (and probably always will be), the end result remains the same, too...

Baby Smith #2 already exists in our hearts and mind and bodies.

Now?

Now we're just waiting for him/her to fill our arms.