Do you ever feel like you just don't want to do it anymore? That you can't handle another painful lesson, another indefinite period of uncertainty that's inevitably mixed with fear, anxiety, hurt, and what seems like the continuation of endless disappointment?
Yeah. Me too.
The verses are engraved in my heart. "Be still...", "Do not let your heart be troubled...", "I am waiting for the Lord...", "I know the plans I have for you...", and so many more. More often than not, God's Word brings me peace, and comfort, and more patience at times when a storm is raging in my heart. He calms it. He dulls the pain and though there's still an ache, it becomes bearable. Tolerable. Until the next wave...
But can I tell you something?
I'm not tolerating this. I'm not patient. I don't think I can 'bear' this anymore. And sometimes I just can't hear Him. Oh, I know He's talking to me... He just seems to be whispering when all I want Him to do is scream and yell, just like me but in a way that will help me snap out of this. In a way that will force me to listen because the problem isn't that He's whispering... it's that I'm too wrapped up in my pain and grief and frustration to really hear Him.
So what's He telling me? What in the world is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning now... please, tell me because I'll do anything I can at this moment to learn it and move on, toward His plan.
Oh wait... this IS part of the plan. As Hannah would say; "bummer".
So I've been thinking a lot about faith.... or maybe it's better to say that I've been 'learning' a lot about faith.
'Faith' is an interesting word. "Faith is trusting Him BEFORE the blessings come." Because if you don't trust before, then you really don't have faith... you're just calling the waiting part 'faith' because it sounds good. If you say that your 'faith' and 'trust' in His plan got you through when it's all said and done, you can automatically forget and negate your painful impatience, the tears of anguish that fell every time you took a shower, and the sickness that took up permanently temporary residence in the pit of your stomach.
So for me, the storm rages on but it's not just around me, it's IN me. The roller coaster doesn't stop. The tears are falling around the clock but they're not just for me. NOTHING in this process is just for me. It's for our next sweet baby(ies). For her, their first mom. For my family. So then, what about me? Where do I fit in?
I trust. I have faith. Not later when it's all said and done. I trust NOW. I have faith in HIS faithfulness. I listen. I try with everything that's in me to hear His voice.
"It's ok, daughter. Be sad. Allow yourself to feel my arms around you. Don't fight me. Cry. Scream. Throw up, even. And then, in the quiet of the storm...be still. I love you. I've got this. I'm holding you, and them, and her. You can't hold them all, but I can. Be still."
So I will. I'll be still. I'll feel and be sad and cry and scream and let the people around me who love me, love me... and I might even throw up.
But I have to let God do the rest.
Heavenly Father~ I'm trying so hard to hear you. Please don't stop talking to me. Please whisper, talk, yell, and scream.. I promise I'm listening. I promise I'm at least trying to listen above the storm that's raging right now. Wrap your loving arms us all. Give us patience. Show us your plan, Lord. Help me to just be still.