Do you ever feel like you just don't want to do it anymore? That you can't handle another painful lesson, another indefinite period of uncertainty that's inevitably mixed with fear, anxiety, hurt, and what seems like the continuation of endless disappointment?
Yeah. Me too.
The verses are engraved in my heart. "Be still...", "Do not let your heart be troubled...", "I am waiting for the Lord...", "I know the plans I have for you...", and so many more. More often than not, God's Word brings me peace, and comfort, and more patience at times when a storm is raging in my heart. He calms it. He dulls the pain and though there's still an ache, it becomes bearable. Tolerable. Until the next wave...
But can I tell you something?
I'm not tolerating this. I'm not patient. I don't think I can 'bear' this anymore. And sometimes I just can't hear Him. Oh, I know He's talking to me... He just seems to be whispering when all I want Him to do is scream and yell, just like me but in a way that will help me snap out of this. In a way that will force me to listen because the problem isn't that He's whispering... it's that I'm too wrapped up in my pain and grief and frustration to really hear Him.
So what's He telling me? What in the world is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning now... please, tell me because I'll do anything I can at this moment to learn it and move on, toward His plan.
Oh wait... this IS part of the plan. As Hannah would say; "bummer".
So I've been thinking a lot about faith.... or maybe it's better to say that I've been 'learning' a lot about faith.
'Faith' is an interesting word. "Faith is trusting Him BEFORE the blessings come." Because if you don't trust before, then you really don't have faith... you're just calling the waiting part 'faith' because it sounds good. If you say that your 'faith' and 'trust' in His plan got you through when it's all said and done, you can automatically forget and negate your painful impatience, the tears of anguish that fell every time you took a shower, and the sickness that took up permanently temporary residence in the pit of your stomach.
So for me, the storm rages on but it's not just around me, it's IN me. The roller coaster doesn't stop. The tears are falling around the clock but they're not just for me. NOTHING in this process is just for me. It's for our next sweet baby(ies). For her, their first mom. For my family. So then, what about me? Where do I fit in?
I trust. I have faith. Not later when it's all said and done. I trust NOW. I have faith in HIS faithfulness. I listen. I try with everything that's in me to hear His voice.
"It's ok, daughter. Be sad. Allow yourself to feel my arms around you. Don't fight me. Cry. Scream. Throw up, even. And then, in the quiet of the storm...be still. I love you. I've got this. I'm holding you, and them, and her. You can't hold them all, but I can. Be still."
So I will. I'll be still. I'll feel and be sad and cry and scream and let the people around me who love me, love me... and I might even throw up.
But I have to let God do the rest.
Heavenly Father~ I'm trying so hard to hear you. Please don't stop talking to me. Please whisper, talk, yell, and scream.. I promise I'm listening. I promise I'm at least trying to listen above the storm that's raging right now. Wrap your loving arms us all. Give us patience. Show us your plan, Lord. Help me to just be still.
It is so good to read your honest thoughts! I know you and I came to adoption on different paths, but the process itself is killer and I too find myself, while trusting, wanting to continue to have my sadness and hopelessness and impatience in the middle of all of it. And I guess that all is okay, as long as bottom line we know we can give all that to our Father and He alone can and will handle it. I read this quote this morning, and your post reminded me of it: "Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen."ReplyDelete
Seems all of us here stuck in "the middle" need that perseverance, endurance, and assurance!
I just found your blog and enjoy reading it already. God's will, we're planning to adopt again sometime next year. Impatient is my human nature,so I've started to collect some information about adoption agencies (DH will probably tell me to wait).ReplyDelete
Anyway, are you using any particular agency for your second adoption? do you mind sharing with me about the agency you're using or used? thanks so much, and I'll be praying for your family for God's will to be done
Thank you for your sweet comment, 'joy' :-) You've been such an encouragement to me and what I know is this; our journey's don't have to be the same, but with adoption, the emotions are final goal ARE the same so we sure are in this together! Praying for your family, too and love your posts and updates!ReplyDelete
Amelia~ I'd be happy to share with you our experience bringing Hannah home and what we're doing this time around. Email me at email@example.com! Looking forward to hearing from you... and welcome! I'm glad you're here :-)
Lindsay, I know exactly how you feel. I have felt this way so many times throughout the past year and especially after our recent failed adoption. God has given me peace about it, but some days it's still difficult to trust and believe there are better days ahead. Praying for you and thanks for writing this post. It describes what we have all felt at one point or another in this waiting process.ReplyDelete