Tomorrow is the due-date of our precious #3.
On Saturday, we celebrated our sweet boy's 2nd birthday and our sweet girl's 1/2 birthday (because that's what you do for big sisters ;-))....
And I wish with all my heart that we were spending today anticipating a birth... another birth-day at any moment.
Over the past 9 months(ish), there have been so many pivitol... terrifying... dreadful... days. The day of our D&E... that first Monday when life was supposed to go back to normal, but didn't... The post-op...
And tomorrow. Our due-date.
It's a day we looked forward to for what seemed like forever...
And it's turned into a day I've dreaded since then.
Since the day we lost our #3.
My heart hurts.
Due-dates don't carry much weight in a typical pregnancy... it's an estimate... a guess.
But when you've lost your precious baby... a due-date is all you have.
As the dates on the calendar have drawn closer and closer to tomorrow, I realize that what I feared most about this date was feeling empty or hopeless...
But here I am and I don't feel empty... or hopeless.
My life is full of so many amazing things... and people.
My days are busy.
I'm just sad.
And what hurts the most as tomorrow closes in on me, are the 'if... then's'....
If I was still pregnant.... then what would my body look like?
If I was pregnant... then my family would be in town right now.
If our baby was on the way... then we would be preparing our home and H2 for a new baby.
If our baby wasn't in Heaven... then he/she would be in our arms soon.
If we hadn't gotten pregnant... then tomorrow would be just like any other day.
If we hadn't lost our baby... then tomorrow could be his/her birthday.
If we hadn't gotten pregnant... if we hadn't miscarried... if we were still pregnant... if our baby was still here...
if, if, if, if.
They all run together, eventually.
Those are the hard parts... the if's... and the 'thens'.
Nothing about losing a baby or a child feels ok...
everything about it hurts.
But my heart is not broken for us or for our baby...
because we are going to be ok... and our baby is safe and healthy and whole with our Jesus in Heaven.
Right now, my heart is breaking for what could have been....
for the seemingly ridiculous things about expecting a baby that just don't seem ridiculous when you'd give anything to be doing them;
nesting... feeling fat... anticipating how our labor and delivery story will end... birth-plans... packing hospital bags... walking ... the first contractions...
My heart is breaking for the dreams I had, even if only for a couple short months.
And right now... for one day... I'm going to let myself miss what could have been...
because I'll be forever grateful for what is.
Our #3... always in our hearts... and in our kitchen, too.