Monday, March 24, 2014

3*25*14



Tomorrow is the due-date of our precious #3.

On Saturday, we celebrated our sweet boy's 2nd birthday and our sweet girl's 1/2 birthday (because that's what you do for big sisters ;-))....

And I wish with all my heart that we were spending today anticipating a birth... another birth-day at any moment.

Over the past 9 months(ish), there have been so many pivitol... terrifying... dreadful... days. The day of our D&E... that first Monday when life was supposed to go back to normal, but didn't... The post-op...

And tomorrow. Our due-date. 

It's a day we looked forward to for what seemed like forever...

And it's turned into a day I've dreaded since then.

Since the day we lost our #3.

My heart hurts.

Due-dates don't carry much weight in a typical pregnancy... it's an estimate... a guess. 

But when you've lost your precious baby... a due-date is all you have. 

As the dates on the calendar have drawn closer and closer to tomorrow, I realize that what I feared most about this date was feeling empty or hopeless...

But here I am and I don't feel empty... or hopeless.

My life is full of so many amazing things... and people.

My days are busy.

I'm just sad.


And what hurts the most as tomorrow closes in on me, are the 'if... then's'....



If I was still pregnant.... then what would my body look like?

If I was pregnant... then my family would be in town right now.

If our baby was on the way... then we would be preparing our home and H2 for a new baby.

If our baby wasn't in Heaven... then he/she would be in our arms soon. 

If we hadn't gotten pregnant... then tomorrow would be just like any other day.

If we hadn't lost our baby... then tomorrow could be his/her birthday.

If we hadn't gotten pregnant... if we hadn't miscarried... if we were still pregnant... if our baby was still here...

if, if, if, if.

They all run together, eventually.

Those are the hard parts... the if's... and the 'thens'.

Nothing about losing a baby or a child feels ok...

everything about it hurts.

But my heart is not broken for us or for our baby...

because we are going to be ok... and our baby is safe and healthy and whole with our Jesus in Heaven.


Right now, my heart is breaking for what could have been....

for the seemingly ridiculous things about expecting a baby that just don't seem ridiculous when you'd give anything to be doing them;

nesting... feeling fat... anticipating how our labor and delivery story will end... birth-plans... packing hospital bags...  walking ... the first contractions... 

My heart is breaking for the dreams I had, even if only for a couple short months.

And right now... for one day... I'm going to let myself miss what could have been...

because I'll be forever grateful for what is.

Our #3... always in our hearts... and in our kitchen, too.




38 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing such intimate parts of your heart with us. I'll be praying for you and your family tomorrow!

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  2. I think it's so amazing that you're doing all that you can to help another baby find her family and you're grieving your own at the same time. May God bless you!

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    1. Thank you for your sweet comment... I'll admit, it's tough not to take all of these precious ones ourselves ;-)

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  3. Praying for you and your family today, tomorrow, and every day after.

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  4. Sending my prayers and hugs to you and your family. I definitely agree about the date, every year when July 24 rolls around all I can think about is the what if's. I lost my only baby 3 years ago this past December and it's the hardest time on my heart. Good luck on your journey and thanks for showing us there are others out there who think the same way.

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    1. I'm so sorry... losing a child brings out a type of pain we're just not built for :-/

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  5. I was never able to conceive and people say how horrible that must be... But I think what you are going through is much worse. I never had expectations so I never had such a horrible let down. I'll say a prayer for you tomorrow.

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    1. Thank you for your sweet comment... pain coming from any type of infertility is all equally as terrible, regardless of how your specific story ends. I'll be praying for you, too :-)

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  6. Praying for you. I too have lost. #1 and #3 are in heaven with Jesus. It changes who we are and it is what it is....unless you have been there, it's hard to understand. Bless you and your dear family. Thank you for posting.

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    1. I'm so sorry :-( It's a pain we're just not built for...

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  9. I had a miscarriage around the same and I could never find the words to explain how I felt, but I just read this to my husband and I think god brought me to this blog through facebook to give me some strength through your words. I read it without tearing up or breaking down, but with a new found hope. Thank you!

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    1. I hope you don't feel so alone... the pain is terrible, isn't it? I'm so sorry :-( Thank you for your encouragement... I'll be praying for you, too!

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  10. Love, hugs, prayers and comfort sent your way as you wrestle with the reminder of what is not right now. Hoping you can have some time to grieve, feel surrounded by love and have a bit of peace this day.

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    1. Thank you so much... I felt more loved than I think I ever had :-)

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  11. Please grieve your loss here on earth. Remember youll get to meet and see him again in Heaven. Prepare for our Heavely Father to send you another one. Cry. Pray. Grieve. I pray that our gracious Heavenly Father eases your pain. In the name of Jesus Christ. AMEN.

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  12. Lindsay,

    I so admire the way you share your heart with us. I agree, nothing about losing a pregnancy or child feels ok. We just try to hold on to our faith and move forward the best we can in spite of it. May God hold you in his arms and bring you comfort and peace.

    With love,
    Nella

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  13. Don't let this day control your heart. I'm sure this experience has given you strength you didn't know you had, and you've survived every day since it happened. Today is no different. Remember your sweet baby every day and all the joy of your pregnancy, as every pregnancy deserves a celebration. Sending my prayers for you and your family.

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  14. I don't think it's coincidence that I found your Web page yesterday. Praying for you and your sweet family today.

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  15. Prayers for you. I lost a baby 3-1-10 and a foster daughter left us after 2.5 years. Time will allow you to remember with less sadness, but give yourself full permission to grieve however you need to right now. It's hard. Anniversaries of days that could have been are hard. I'll offer up some things that are going on around here for you today. May God give you peace as you heal. - anneryathome.blogspot.com

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  16. I just found your blog and read your post about the day you lost your #3. You spoke my heart and what has been in my head for about 2 years now. I was 43, never been pregnant and had a miracle from God in the form of my adopted son from my first marriage, who was 21 years old at this time. In 2009, I met and fell head over heels with my now husband, he has no children of his own, we had talked many times of trying to pursue having a baby or possibly adoption. On February 20, 2011, I went to see a GI doctor for another opinion on some ongoing intestinal problems, before she ordered blood work, etc., she asked that age old question "any chance you are pregnant", I sort of laughed and said, "no, but we keep hoping and many years of not necessarily trying, but not preventing it.", she said, "well, we will check just to be safe". The next morning slightly before 8 am, I was sitting in the computer lab at the local community college where I was taking a class and got a call from the doctor herself, I immediately had a horrible feeling that she was about to give me terrible news from my blood work from the previous day, instead her words were "I got some of your blood work back....." and there was what seemed like a full day of silence and then she followed it with "you are pregnant". My response through my tears were "noooooooo", "nooooooo way" "are you serious??". I had also had all these cool ideas in my head of how I would tell my husband, but on this day, I simply asked the computer lab attendant if I could use a more private teaching room for just a second to make a call, so I stepped in that room and called my husband, I said "babe, the doctor just called me...." and my phone lost signal, I started crying even harder and called him back and this time, he answered the phone with, "whats wrong", I said, "well, she said she got some of my blood work back,....and I am pregnant" He was silent for what felt like another day and said "are you serious??" The rest of the conversation was filled with so many I love you's that I can't even count. We agreed not to say anything to anyone until we met with my GYN, who had retired from OB, but he was my 2nd call that day and he got me in that afternoon to confirm the results and check my levels. I was literally about 7-10 days along at this point and it was a pure miracle that they even could tell from my previous day's blood work. I also had to wait 6 weeks to see an OB and for my first sonogram. The tech began the sonogram and started "clicking" and "marking" the images and never said a word, I squeezed my husband’s hand and saw what I believed to be our precious miracle and said "is that it" and through that horrible silence, "yes it is, but I am not seeing a heartbeat", at that moment my whole life felt like it slipped away. In your blog where you posted that you said you were "broken", those were my exact words, I had never felt so empty in my life. We then met with my Gyno instead of the OB that I did not know and he explained what was going to happen and that my body should take care of it on its own. I spent that night in bed, in constant tears and knew that I could not wait for that to happen so I called the next day and they set up the procedure for me the following Monday. I had never been so lost and empty. I prayed for God to make me understand and have from that moment prayed for him to bless us with a child. In March of 2013, my amazing granddaughter was born and in June she came to live with us and is an amazing blessing. I was not specific in my prayers to bless us with "our" child, I just wanted a child in our life and God followed through, with his will, not mine. I do think about our baby that I lost every single day and I know that the child is whole and we will meet him or her one day and that for now, we believe that is our guardian Angel.

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    1. Your story is amazing... thank you so much for sharing with me :-)

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  17. As another mother who has suffered loss, my heart is with you all today.

    My husband and I have struggled with infertility for the past 3 years. We lost our first 3 years ago, a week after we found out we were expecting and as soon as the last family member was told. We've been through fertility treatments and last year were so thankful to be found pregnant with triplets! We lost them at 20.5 weeks from infection back in September. Their due date was January 23, 2014, right between mom's and dad's! There's no way they would've made it that long, but it doesn't matter. You're right that due dates do take on a different meaning when you can't hold on to your precious child.

    Please let me know if there is any way that I can help you. I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story! Feel free to contact me if you need to talk to someone else with the same story :)

    John 1:4-5 "In him was life,and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

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    1. Thank you so much, Jaebelle.... John 1:4 is one of my favorite verses :-)

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  18. As a woman who has been there twice, I am praying for you because I know how hard it is even after today. Your post brought me to tears because I completely understand your feelings and I still feel that way for the two little angles that I lost. Although I now have a son that is truly a miracle, I still think about "what if.." You are in my thoughts and prayers today!

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    1. Twice... I'm so sorry :-( The 'what if's' are so hard.

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  19. I was so touched by what you wrote. Last June my twin brother and his wife lost my niece at 28 weeks. It totally crushed me knowing my brother lost his 'little A' but to also feel the loss myself. To help release her spirit we took balloons to the beach and wrote anything we needed to say to her on them then released them. Now everyday I wear a dragonfly as a reminder of her spirit. I still have trouble somedays when I see cute outfits or little shoes, but it gets better .

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    1. I love the balloon idea and your dragonfly :-)

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  21. Thank you for sharing your heart. I have experienced two miscarriages since Oct and can totally related to your every single word. Special prayers for you today..

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