Possessive much?

Here's the 'thing' about adoption....

Ok, ok.... here's ONE MORE 'thing' about adoption;

An amazing woman carried my child in her belly for 9 months..... she loved that child and stayed healthy for her and there's no doubt in my mind that she talked to her, sang to her, and connected with her as a mommy should with her baby throughout her pregnancy.

But that woman wasn't me.

And I'm my baby-girl's mommy.

But she was, too.

My baby didn't hear my voice talking to her and singing to her for 9 months. She wasn't calmed by the beating of MY heart or by the rhythms of MY breathing. She didn't snuggle into my chest in her first few moments after birth, inhaling my scent and feeling my skin on hers. I wasn't the first person she saw the very first time she opened her eyes. I wasn't the first one to feed her or change her or put her to bed and tuck her in.

All of that? That's ok with me.

Her First Mama deserved to claim those first experiences and I would never think to take those away from her...she did them perfectly. 

But I'm the mama who holds that same baby-girl on a daily basis. When that baby-girl smells my perfume or lotion, it's me who she connects it to. She is comforted by the sound of my voice talking to her or singing to her. She's calmed by the feel of my skin on hers and by the feel of my hands stroking her back or hair. She counts on our nightly routine and the feeling of safety and security she gets from me.

Our adoption agency emphasizes the importance of bonding. They claim that it is absolutely crucial to a baby's development and security. They hold their families to extremely high standards when it comes to ensuring that the babies they place have every opportunity possible to KNOW their parents and feel safe and loved with them.

Because with adoption, nature doesn't trump nurture.

In every way possible, nurture trumps nature.

Our agency insists that in the first few weeks home with a baby, no one but that baby's parents or grand-[parents should be feeding, changing or even holding the baby... those proven bonding experiences need to be cherished and protected.

This goes against the grain of what is commonly known as 'the bonding process' for a newborn.... but it's true.

When we first brought Hannah home we were what most of our friends and family called 'possessive' of our time with her, holding her, feeding her, comforting her, touching her.

We were the only one's to do any of the above.... for months.

To an average parent, we were possessive.

To parents who weren't the first to hold their baby, or talk to their baby, or touch their baby, or smell their baby, or comfort their baby.... to the parents who didn't meet their baby until they had been out of the hospital for days or weeks or months....

to those parents, we were bonding.

When we brougnt Hannah home, we were blessed to be 'backed' by an amazing agency... an agency that had enough experience to know what expectations and guidelines they needed to place on their waiting families.

With Hannah, it was easy for us to place the 'blame' for our 'possessiveness' on our agency... on our contract and on their rules.

We were criticized by *some* of our family and friends... we were questioned when we refused to let our baby-girl be held or to be passed from person to person. We were written off as possessive when we insisted on being the only ones to feed and change her. We were given a lot of 'looks' from those 'more seasoned' parents we knew when we adamantly insisted that those who DID hold her, washed their hands before doing so and limited the time they held her.

People in general, thought we were crazy.

And we were.

We were crazy in love with our baby-girl; The one we had been waiting so so long for. The one who, at times, we never thought would come. The one who our arms physically ached for. The one we loved deeply and the one we were desperate...

to bond with.

There are many many things that differentiate the journey of bringing home a biological child and an adoptive child but this one? This one tops my list of 'Most Important'... it's not even Top 5...

It's #1.

Adoptive parents have to be intentional when bonding with their child. They have to focus and work and yes sometimes, they even have to be...

possessive.

In Hannah's first few months at home with us, we were crazy parents who didn't let anyone else hold or feed or change our baby. In those first few weeks after our work to bond to our daughter, there was no doubt in anyones mind who she belonged with... who she was comfortable with... who she *knew* and who she was bonded to.

Us.

We might have missed the first 11 days of our daughter's life and it may have taken weeks or even months to make up for it...

but it was worth it.

What's my point?

Bringing a baby home is exciting for everyone... for the parents, grandparents, close friends, neighbors, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. It will always be exciting!

But when a family brings home a baby through adoption, there are a few differences....

and if you're reading MY list, *bonding* is #1.

If you're a hopeful adoptive parent;

Don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting to bond with your baby. Make sure you set boundaries and expectations of the people who love you and your baby. and explain them thoroughly... but make sure that YOU are his or her number one love and his or her safety and security and comfort.

I have never for a day regretted the time and effort Joey and I put into bonding with our baby-girl.... it was difficult in the moment to explain and defend the boundaries we had set and we might have hurt some feelings in the process.... but the end result is having an irreplaceable, unbeatable, and unconditional bond with our daughter that no one else is capable of having with her.

And that's the way it should be... in families who grow through conception or in familes who grow through adoption.

Her Last Day As My 'Only One'....

.... Is not today.

Or maybe it is....

But maybe it's not, too.

Welcome to adoption, friends!

I've thought so much lately about the differences and similarities between the experience of conceiving and the experience of adopting... there are so so many of both.

This is the difference that has stood out to me.... it's the one i've been painfully aware of.... the one I loathe and at the same time, the one I appreciate most....

timing.

We've talked about 'waiting' but we haven't touched on 'timing'.... a different topic, entirely.

Most couples, with the exception of a few, know within a week or two of when their family will grow.... at the very least, they have a due date; something those of us in the adoption world don't know much about.

At all.

Those couples can plan and prepare and they can dream.... but their dreams have an end date. They know when their dreams will come true.

We don't.

Couples who conceive, with the exception of a few, know HOW to prepare for their family to grow... and they know how to prepare those around them.

How do we prepare?

We tell those around us when we're hoping to adopt.... and we are accountable for answering questions and interrogations about our intentions. When everyone understands and chooses to be supportive, we then answer questions like "when is your baby going to be born?" and "when do you get to choose your baby?" and "why is it taking so long?"

We prepare a nursery.... and know every second of it's planning that it may remain empty for a long long time. The process of preparing the nursery is exciting and exhilarating... and when it's done, it represents emptyness, no matter if it's empty for a day or for a year.... you remember it's emptyness.

We prepare our hearts... knowing full well that God's plan is better than our own but nonetheless, fighting His perfect plan every step of the way.

We walked through every one of those things in our wait for Hannah and have walked through many of them a second time in our wait for Baby #2.... but there is one new addition to that list that no one can prepare you for....

Hannah will always be our first born. She will always have that special place in our hearts as the first one we waited for, the first one we prayed for, and the one who gracefully and wonderfully and perfectly introduced us to parenting... she's the one who taught us how to be parents.

She was the first dream we had together ... and it came true.

I wonder every day lately if today will be her last day as my only baby. I wonder if I've shown her enough attention, if the time we've spent alone together will carry her through the next weeks, months, and years as our oldest child. I wonder if we've been able to instill in her, bury in her the depth of our love for her.... our unconditional love for her. I wonder daily if she's ready... if we're ready; if we've had enough time with her.... if she's learned everything she needs to as the oldest and for a short time, only child. I wonder where the rule-book is that teaches us what to do on our child's last day as our only.

I wonder if we've learned enough.

When I find myself lost in these thoughts, I can't help but wonder if my fear and anxiety come from a place in me that truly wonders if...

if WE'RE enough.

For Hannah or for Baby #2 or 3 or.... (I better stop at 3 or I'm gonna really scare my husband ... what he doesn't know can't kill him, right? ;-))

(Ok.... so now you're thinking "you REALLY want to do this again???)

(The answer is yes. No one said it didn't suck... but everyone says it's all worth it in the end ;-))

The truth?

Hannah will ALWAYS be our oldest and will ALWAYS have that special place in our hearts as our first....

but our second will ALWAYS hold that special place as our second.

And our third will ALWAYS hold...

you get it :-)

Something about waiting for number 2... something about knowing that today could be my last day with an 'only child'....

makes me grieve.

But I guess baby #1 didn't come along until Joey and I were ready....

and baby #2 won't come along until Joey and I and Hannah are ready.

I like that.

I want so badly to make every day count with Hannah... I want to know that she knows how special it is to be 'an only'.

Maybe you're in the wait for number 1..... this applies to you, too.

It's so easy to get caught up in 'the wait'.... but it's also easy to lose sight of your 'first love'...

your husband (or wife :-)).

Spend your last few moments of each day (after time with the Lord and time making babies) to engrave your day in your mind. Write it down, list the day's events, blog it... do something to remember that day as if it was your last day with your First Love.

Because Joey and I know all too well that your last day could be today ;-)

(If you have a minute, head over and read my friend's newest post... I LOVE her concept of 'Birthday Nights'!)

Making Babies (If you can't handle a little TMI, just move on)

I remember the night we learned about Hannah....

We had met Hannah's First Mom when she was a day overdue... we had plans to meet her again the next day but she cancelled about 2 hours before our meeting.

We were devastated.

Our agency told us to move on... "your baby is around the corner... this just wasn't him/her!"

10 days later we learned her reason for cancelling...

She was in labor.

Ok, fine. You are allowed to cancel a meeting if you're in labor.... but that's the ONLY reason!!

 ;-)

Hannah was 10 days old when we met her First Mom for the second time and her First Father for the first time. We spent 2 hours getting to know each other ... then they went to dinner to talk and we went...

home.

At 9:23pm that night my phone rang...

"If you and Joey can be at the agency office tomorrow morning at 10, you can pick up your baby girl!"

Hmmm.... nope, sorry. We're busy.

;-)

Our agency had/has fairly strict rules about who you can/can't tell when you receive placement of a baby... relinquishment in NC gives birth-parents 7 days to change their mind after placing their baby so the thought is that the less people who know, the less painful it will be if they do, in fact change their minds.

I admit... it's a tough rule to follow on one of the greatest, most waited for days of your life!

But, they've been successfully building families for 30 years and well, they know the ropes and we followed them.

But of course we called our moms :-)

I distinctly remember calling my mom that night. We spent about 5 minutes laughing and crying and then I panicked and realized that I had to clean the house, run to WalMart for all of the necessities, put the car seat in the car, wash some baby clothes, and so much more before 10am.

As we neared the end of our chat my Mom said,

"Lindsay, those things will take care of themselves. Your house will get messy with a baby in it, the clothes will pile up no matter how much you try to stay on top of them, and a baby needs only a place to sleep, food to eat, and a mommy and daddy to love her. Tonight, you need to get a good night's sleep...and you and Joey need to spend time together making your daughter."

I know, I know... it sounds completely wrong coming from anyone, much less from your Mom but her words have stuck with me for 3.5 years now. 

Mom and Dad suffered through infertility while trying to have what ended up being me ;-) so anything my Mom says to me comes from a place in her that truly 'gets it' and because of that, I take her words to heart... and I rarely forget them.

I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about 'making babies.' The phrase just means something different for those of us who have traveled through infertility.... at any level.

Can we be honest?

(of course we can... it is MY blog, after all ;-))

It doesn't matter if you have been given a life-sentence of never bearing children or if you've been given an 'umbrella diagnosis' of "I have no idea what's wrong with you".... every time you have sex with your husband/wife you wonder,

"Will I get pregnant this time?"

"What if the Dr's are wrong?"

"2 weeks from now I will be peeing on a stick no matter what 'just in case!'"

"What if we're making a baby RIGHT NOW?!?!"

"I should elevate my hips just to be safe!"

Am I right?

Because miracles DO happen! And people who never thought they would, get pregnant every day! And  WHY NOT YOU!??!?

I'm not sure why yet but all of this has been running through my head lately but here's what I've finally concluded from it all...

In the past 6 years that Joey and I have been have been married and have been having sex, we have made...

Over 40 babies!!!

I'm serious.

We timed sex correctly every month for 3 years and off and on for 3 years after that.

We've done NOTHING wrong in our efforts to conceive.

We've temped and charted and rhythm-ed and elevated and lubed and ...

well, you get it.

;-)

Our babies have been made. They won't come from our physical makeup.... our DNA. They won't inherit our traits or our ailments.

But they have been made by us... over and over and over again.

They have been created over and over and over again with love and intention and determination and prayer.

So while our babies won't come from our flesh, they were still made by us.

I got off the phone with my mom that night and I ran to Target, Joey's mom ran to WalMart, and my mom ran to both. I came home and cleaned like a mad-woman. Joey carefully and diligently installed the infant seat in the car. I washed clothes. He set up the pack n' play. We both got in bed.

We prayed. We cried. We dreamed.

And we went to bed....

because our daughter, our baby-girl had been created by us over and over and over again.

So here we are in our second 'wait' and while the thoughts are the same every time we make love (and probably always will be), the end result remains the same, too...

Baby Smith #2 already exists in our hearts and mind and bodies.

Now?

Now we're just waiting for him/her to fill our arms.

"Every Good and Perfect Gift...

...Is From Above"

~ James 1:17

 

“I’m sorry, but your baby is not compatible with life.”

 

A phrase no mother or father should ever EVER have to hear. These words echoed in the minds of Aleisa and William for 99 days after they were given that devastating news during a ultrasound. Through prayer, reflection and endless amounts of support, Aleisa made the promise to her baby girl, “I will carry you.” Many would have “opted out” of their pregnancy like some doctors often suggest because with the diagnosis of Trisomy 18, if you are even blessed with life outside the womb, the quality is not there. Choosing life was the most admirable, inspirational, selfless and faith filled act Aleisa and William could have ever done. The emotional roller coaster she describes in her blog was often unbearable for me to even read. She openly discusses her raw emotions and it’s more than evident how her faith is the only reason she’s made it this far. I believe when she accepted this cross to bear, in her true testament of faith, she became a disciple in Christ. She’s exemplified such unconditional love that the pieces of God’s elaborate plan for them and Nora especially, are beginning to fall in place. Her selflessness has brought thousands together in a community of prayer, which is only a small part of the big things happening because of this sweet baby girl. Because she saw this as a blessing and NOT misfortune, look at the reward God gave them yesterday. Amazing.

 

We were in complete awe, as we witnessed a miracle right in front of our eyes. They prayed their way through the pain of the (likelihood) chance of stillbirth and pleaded with God to allow her life here on Earth. With immense fear, Aleisa pushed Nora out. She was peacefully alert, only having a little struggle in the beginning. As you watch in the slide show, Aleisa is praying with all her might for God to spare her baby. A sight that was so heart wrenching, everyone in the room was sobbing. None of us were in control. No one could bear her cross. No one could ease the pain of a mother knowing every.single.breath has the potential to be her baby’s last.

 

After a little oxygen help she let out music to her mama’s ears, a big healthy cry. Through the grace of God, her vitals became and remained stable and Nora continue to fight for her life just as she had the previous 9mths in the womb. Once she was back on mommy’s chest, the family poured in with great anticipation to see the breath taking site of a beautiful breathing Nora Rose. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. Love filled the room to the brim and slowly the panic and anxiety lingering in everyone’s heart was peacefully calmed by the sweet sighs and sounds of a fresh infant. She was passed around, kissed and embraced by all, myself included. After awhile, everyone crowded around as their friend from their church baptized her.

 

  They wanted me to photograph her with all the wonderful gifts they received, including a beyond precious dress and headband aunt Sarah made for her. She modeled so gracefully and didn’t mind the paparazzi in her face at all times. To follow along and watch Nora conquer each day, go to Aleisa’s blog. It seems as though the whole world is rooting for this beautiful baby.

 

This baby is changing lives.

(Copied from Beautiful Beginnings)

 

I wanted to be sure that you read this powerful story before you saw it unfold....

 

 

To watch Nora's birth in pictures, grab some tissues and click here....

 

 

~ I don't have to know you, sweet baby girl to know that there is an amazing plan for your life... I am so excited to watch your story unfold!

 

 

They're On Loan From Heaven.... and they're ours for just a while.

I'm still here!

I wish I could tell you how much your sweet emails and Facebook messages have meant to me over the past couple of weeks! It sounds weird but I have put off posting this update for a few days because I love your notes of concern so much.... I mean, who doesn't want to know they are missed?!? :-)

I think it's fair to say that the past couple of weeks have been.....

crazy.

First off, I'll answer some of your most pressing questions...

Do we have a new baby?

Nope.

Is everyone healthy?

Yes.

How can we pray for you?

Just pray ;-)

About 2.5 weeks ago, at 4:13pm, on a Tuesday night, my phone rang. It was an adoption attorney in Florida.... a fairly popular one and I'm sure some of you fellow 'waiters' know his name. While he doesn't keep a stack of waiting families' profiles on hand, he does have a list of waiting families that he emails when an expectant mom comes to him. We had responded to one of these 'potential adoption situations' about 2 weeks earlier (mom due in June, boy, Florida) and hadn't heard anything so we chalked it up to another 'possibility'. That's what made this call a little shocking...

" 'D' has seen your profile and would like to meet you. On Thursday. In Jacksonville, FL. Are you and your husband available to meet her at 4pm?

Ummm.....

"Sure! See you then!"

(I mean, what do you say... NO?!?!)

Let me summarize the next 48 hours for you...

* Phone call to Joey; "Come home NOW. We are meeting a birthmom on Thursday night at 4pm in Florida. We have a dog. And a 3 year old. And ... just come home NOW."

* Frantic call to amazingly flexible and helpful friends; "Can you take Hannah to school tomorrow? And can you get our mail for.... until I tell you to stop?"

* Frantic call to babysitter; "We have to be in Florida on Thursday... can you stay with Hannah Thursday night?"

* Frantic call to vet; "We have had an unexpected trip come up... our dog is NOT up to date on his shots... can you do his shots and board him for 3 days?"

* Oh yeah.... frantic email  to family; "PLEASE PRAY!"

* Frantic packing. Frantic hotel reservation. Frantic....

crazy.

Joey and I drove 6 hours on Thursday and at 4pm met with a wonderful woman who was very pregnant with a sweet. healthy baby boy, due June 24.

We loved 'D'. We 'clicked'. We laughed. We cried. We hugged. We talked... a lot.

** Let me interject... in my own post ;-). Have you ever been at a "Match Meeting"??? It's EXHAUSTING!!!! You're nervous. You're on your best behavior. You're sweating. You're thirsty. You COMPLETELY FORGET WHO YOU ARE! You don't remember how old you were when..... You don't remember how old your child is! You don't remember when you got married or what school you went to or what your house looks like or....

K. I'm done. **

Joey and I went in to this Match Meeting with some reservations. We didn't know much about 'D' and we had questions about what we DID know....we just wanted to know more.

These feelings completely threw me and Joey off. We didn't expect to have questions because when we met Hananh's First Parents, all we wanted was for THEM to love US. This time? We were making decisions, too... We needed to know what this particular relationship would be like for Hannah; for the baby we DO have. Now. We needed to know what this future relationship would look like in comparison to the relationship we have with Hannah's First Family.

While we wanted more than anything for this mom to love us and to CHOOSE us, we also felt as if we were at a crucial cross-road...

If she DID choose us, would us continuing in this relationship with her and her sweet boy's First Family be in Hannah's best interest? She's the one we DO have.... the only one we are responsible for right now.

This is one of those things.... one of those things that makes adoption....

crazy? Unfair?

One thing that makes it suck.

(Sorry... I just said 'suck')

Joey and I left the attorney's office late Thursday night, had an amazing Ocean-side dinner in Jacksonville, went back to our hotel, and ...

slept.

We woke up Friday morning and finally had space in our minds to talk and we agreed with each other 100%...

* We loved 'D'

*We were absolutely comfortable with what we envisioned in our future with 'D'

* We were very confident that this baby, this sweet boy, would come home with us (because, as we know so well... that doesn't always happen)

But...

(there's always a 'but').

There was something...

It wasn't clear.

We have spent a year and a half praying for this baby... for our baby. Baby Smith Number 2.

Of all the things we DON'T know, we DO know this....

When our baby and his/her First Mama come into our lives, we'll KNOW.

But... we didn't know.

And that, friends..... that is uncomfortable. And it's painful. And you feel guilty and mean and completely....

crazy.

You cry and you ask 'WHY?" and you cry and you get mad and you cry.

We woke up Friday morning and this 'something' had us both in it's death-grip...

Were we really going to say 'no' AGAIN?!

How could God do this AGAIN?!?!

Haven't we been through enough?!

CAN WE BE DONE NOW?!?!?!?!?!

This something wasn't screaming, "THIS IS YOUR BABY!!!!"...  it was quietly whispering, "Your baby is still waiting...."

 

And then my phone rang.... at 9:38am Friday morning...

" 'D' chose you. She wants to move forward and discuss the details of this open adoption!"

Because that's good news, right?!?!

But that something was still there....

So we said "no".

again.

Yes, friends. You're right. WE ARE unequivocally, irrevocably...

CRAZY!!!!!

One of the hardest lessons we've learned in the adoption process is this...

We are NOT right for every baby... and every baby is NOT right for us. Every First Mom isn't right for us. We aren't right for every expectant mom. Sometimes, more often than not (since we won't have a million kids), there are many MORE perfect families for a baby than we could ever be!

It's just the truth.

That was almost 2 weeks ago and friends, after all that.... I needed a break.

I was asking God for a break.

Nope...

BEGGING Him for a break.

And He's given it to me. In ways I never could have imagined....

I can breathe. My heart is full and it doesn't hurt. I have found rest.

I took a break and feel like I can say with 100% certainty that...

I am exactly where my Heavenly Father wants me.

Sometimes where HE wants me isn't exactly where I WANT to be or where I THOUGHT I would be...

but it's right.

And it's where I can find my rest.

Thank you for worrying about us... thank you for your notes. Each note is treasured and saved... they are all further proof that our next baby is loved more than anyone could ever imagine.

Our story is just beginning and while the journey, our journey, has been painful.... all will be forgotten when our sweet, precious, perfect baby is in our arms.

And I know this, how?!

Because THIS sweet, precious, and perfect baby is in our arms!

Steps of Faith vs. Steps of Stupidity

Something is really bothering me today and I thought maybe you could help...maybe?

I'm having so much trouble today distinguishing "God's plan" from "I really want this and since it's here, I know it's got to be God's plan but what if it's really just my plan and I'm using Him as an excuse to make myself feel better because I want this so badly?"

I know the Scriptures...

Romans 8:28-  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Proverbs 3:5- Trust the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

And so many more....

Verses; God's words to us that are meant to soothe and calm and give our hearts peace and give us direction for our lives...

But today, friends, those verses sound like excuses to me. They sound like reasons to not think about things that might not be fun to think about or to not do something that feels uncomfortable, even though 'steps of faith' ARE uncomfortable... they sound like a reason to just keep 'waiting on God's plan'...

but at what point do we STOP waiting and START trusting that THIS, this moment in time, this surprise job opportunity or adoption situation or financial pitfall or relationship is EXACTLY what God's plan is??!!

At what point do we stop waiting? At what point do we allow ourselves to switch from a 'waiting' mindset to an 'okay, so this is God's plan and I'm going to accept it no matter how uncomfortable it feels' mindset?

When do we stop using Scipture as an 'excuse'... a reason not to think about tough stuff or take a 'step of faith' that OF COURSE feels uncomfortable, otherwise it would be EASY?

When do you decide to quit your job that is perfectly good to take another one that *might* be better?

When do you stop passing on adoption situations because of finances or risk or fear and take a leap and say 'yes'... even though 'yes' doesn't feel really good yet?

When do you decide to place your baby for adoption... even though you KNOW that adoption isn't what feels right or comfortable for you and it doesn't even make sense that losing your baby could possibly be God's plan?

When do you stop waiting for your bank account to read a certain number and decide that NOW is when you'll start planning your family?

When do you stop waiting for your house to sell and decide to put an offer in on the one of your dreams?

When do you decide to give up on infertility treatments and pursue adoption or just accept that kids 'aren't in God's plan'?

How do you take your 'steps of faith'? How do you know that they ARE steps of faith and not steps of stupidity?

And when you do take those steps, how do you know that you're not just being a complete and utter idiot??

Yes, the Lord has plans for us... but don't we have the ability as the imperfect humans we are, to post-pone that plan because of our disobedience?

No, He won't give us more than we can handle.... but don't we always handle whatever it is, even when we don't think we can?

Yes, we are called to trust Him and He promises to guide our path... but when do you decide that a 'step of faith' that sounds ridiculously risky is in fact, a step of faith?

When do you know that you have completely shut out the human rationale and know that your heart and mind and thoughts are in line with God's?

What does that feel like? How do you get to that point?

I know I've done this before, friends... I've trusted Him and I've taken those 'steps of faith' and obviously, they have all turned out... well, in line with God's plan.

But when you're standing at the fork, faced with a decision to turn left or turn right, those memories of steps of faith in the past don't really stand at the fore-front of your mind....

Because really, we've all done DUMB stuff and when it's all said and done and we're looking back on the dumb process, it's called a "Step of Faith"... isn't it?

It becomes part of 'God's plan', even though it started out as a stupid idea or decision.

It turns into a story of our "deep faith and trust in God's plan" even though we fought tooth and nail every step of the way.

Don't we always look back and say, "Oh yeah... it all makes sense now! I see exactly why we did that and those things happened and how God was getting us to this point!"

Can't we turn every future possibility into, "Well of course this is where we are... look at what has happened and has led us to this point!"

But then.... doesn't that just sound like an excuse? Doesn't it feel like we're using God as a reason to trust or not trust, to obey or disobey, or .....

So today I need to know... I need to understand... and I'll probably need plenty of reminders throughout my life... but I'm praying that soon...

I will know what it means to take a real 'step of faith' and not a real stupid step of doubt.

What helps you? What feelings or verses or 'ah-ha' moments do you look for to guide you to 'faith' and not 'stupidity'?



A Letter to My Baby~

Hi Baby~

Today is Easter.

Easter is one of my favorite Holidays... it represents everything 'new' and everything your Daddy, your sister, and I live for;

Jesus.

Today was amazing....

Our day was probably like everyone else's... We woke up early, dressed up, wore special perfume, spent extra time on our hair, wore new shoes that really just ended up hurting our feet, curled/straightened/flat-ironed our hair and came down stairs....

but when most kids come downstairs on Easter morning they find an Easter basket overflowing with treats and presents that the Easter Bunny left for them while they were sleeping (or not sleeping because it's Easter-Eve, after all ;-))....

(our Bunny eats Fruit Loops and Peeps, apparently ;-))

Not your big sister.

When we came down stairs this morning, your big sister found a special, hand-written note from the Easter Bunny himself that read something like this;

Happy Easter, Hannah!

Easter is about Jesus and how much He loves you... and oh! He loves you so so much!
I made such a special Easter basket for you this year and I can't wait to give it to you but since Easter is about Jesus, I want you to listen carefully at church this morning and learn all you can about how much Jesus loves you....
When you get home, you will find the most special basket waiting for you and it will be full of treats just for you!

Do you know how much your Mommy and Daddy and Jesus love you?
They love you more than chocolate, and cupcakes, and Dora!

I love you that much, too!

The Easter Bunny

I know, I know; that sounds mean, doesn't it? All of the anticipation and excitement, the tradition involved in finding that special basket that was put together just for you... I know. But you see, the Easter Bunny's reason for leaving his note first is very important.... and it's something I want you to know now;

The excitement and anticipation that comes with Easter morning is new... it hasn't always existed in our World. A long time ago, Easter represented something entirely different....

It represented death, and sacrifice, and pain, and sadness....

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”
1 Peter 2:24

And for your young mind, my precious little one, those things sound scary; not anything like bunnies, and treat-filled eggs, and new shoes.

Don't be scared, baby because what comes next is exciting...

While Easter will always involve candy, and treats, and bunnies, and new shoes, it will also always include Jesus; the One who gave His life for our sins... for all of the bad things we've ever done or ever will do.... who died on the cross, covered in thorns and with nails in his hands and feet.... and who rose from the dead 3 days later.

"“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

John 3:16

Easter is about Jesus... first.

You see, baby.... Easter is a happy and fun and exciting day but not because of the treats and candy and new shoes. It's a happy and fun and exciting day because you and me...

you and me and your daddy and your big sister and your Nee and Tata and Ghee and Grandpa Darrill and Onk and Bonk and Day and Aunt Jessie and Mimi and Grandpa and Nanny and Tutu...

We are loved so so much that someone, that Jesus, gave His life for us and when He rose on the 3rd day, He went to Heaven and saved a place for us... a place that is more special than treats, and candy, and new shoes, and Easter baskets, and bunnies.

That's pretty special, isn't it?

So when your big sister woke up this morning and put on her beautiful dress, and I braided her hair, and she put on her new shoes, her excitement and anticipation weren't about a basket or treats or bunnies....

Her excitement was about Jesus.... about going to church to learn about the One who created her, the only one in the entire world who loves her even more than her Daddy and me, and who hand-picked her to be our baby.

Just like He hand-picked YOU to be our baby, too.

You see, baby... a long long time ago, Easter wasn't about everything 'new'... but it is now.

YOU, my precious baby... YOU are the only thing we were missing this Easter.

And baby?

We missed you!

Me and your Daddy, we cried for you today... because we miss you.

Me and your Daddy and your sister, we prayed for you today.... we prayed that your heart will always be open to Jesus and that you will love Him with all your heart even when you're very young.

We prayed for your First Mama and First Dad... that this Easter, they would feel peace and support and love.

Your Nee and Tata and Ghee and Grandpa Darrill and Onk and Bonk and Day and Aunt Jessie and Mini and Grandpa and Nanny and Tutu.... they miss you, too.

We are praying so hard that next Easter you will be with us.... you and your sister will wake up early, dress up in your beautiful clothes, put on your new shoes, and come down stairs.... you'll read your hand-written note from the Easter Bunny, himself and then... then we will go to church and learn about the One who loved us enough to give His life for us...

And who gave us YOU.

Then

I love you more than bunnies, and treats, and new shoes,

~ Your Mama

(Next year I just know that your sweet little cheeks will be right there next to your Big Sister's!)

He's Going Home...

Yesterday I asked you to pray for a special family from our church... a family that has already been ripped apart this year and is now facing more tragedy.

Today or tomorrow are expected to be Matt Nagel's last days before he goes home to be with Jesus. If you don't know their story of losing their daughter, please catch up here.

It's kind of sick that I wish I could say....

"Matt Nagel will join his daughter in Heaven..."

It's sick because his daughter is alive and well... she's just not with them; the parents who raised her from birth and lost her to her birth-father when she was 2.5 years old.

Since when does death sound like a better option than life?!

Regardless of who he will join in Heaven, it's where he is supposed to be... and he will be whole, and happy, and complete.

What breaks my heart today is what is happening in the hearts and lives of his wife and daughter (the daughter they still have... Waverly's older sister).

You would think that this family, losing their daughter, knowing she is living just 20 minutes away and probably shopping at the same WalMart and Target as them.... you would think that THAT is enough loss and pain for a life-time.

But now this...

I've met this family a handful of times but I feel like I know them so well... when you know someones heart, you know them.

Please pray for Molly tonight as she sits by Matt's side and waits...

Pray for sweet Harper who has already lost her baby sister and will now lose her Daddy...

The Nagels have already been bombarded with 2 years-worth of court costs in their fight to keep their daughter and this is only adding to their... to Molly's... financial burden.

As if the emotional burden wasn't enough.

A fund was set up years ago for their fight to keep Waverly and it is now being used for people to support Molly through this. Of course prayer for this family is more than enough but if you feel a 'tug' to help in some tangible way, please visit their blog and click the PayPal link to the right... I know first-hand that monetary support is appreciated more than we know.

My heart has been so so heavy for Molly and Waverly. It's days like these when I realize just how precious life is. I also realize just how profound God's love for us truly is... it's unimaginable and indescribable.

It sounds disgusting and mean today but...

through this tragedy, God's love will shine. I know this because I know this family and I know the people who are surrounding them right now... Matt's life has been and always will be a testament of God's perfect plan;

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I, just like Molly, Waverly, and their family, am anxious for the day when we will see God's plan unfold fully. Until then, please lift this family up.

** To follow the Nagel's... to follow Molly and Waverly... through the next few days and months, visit their Caring Bridge page here **

** To follow Molly and Waverly through their own perspective or to catch up on their story until today, visit their blog here **



Please Pray...

A while back I asked you to pray for this family...

They brought their newborn baby-girl home through adoption and then lost her when she was 2.5 years old.

I was tempted to say 'lost her to her birth-father' but I know that in most circumstances, that isn't nice or acceptable... in this case, they lost her to her birth-father.

This family's husband went running on Sunday morning with some friends and collapsed. He's now in ICU with massive swelling in his brain after a stroke. There's little the doctors can do (after 2 surgeries already) except give him some meds, induce hypothermia.... and pray for a miracle.

This man, this daddy and husband who has been through what we would consider hell... I know he's in danger and I know he needs prayer but the thing is... he doesn't know what's going on. Yes he needs prayer, too but he doesn't feel anything and he isn't aware of how dire his circumstances are while God is working in this situation ....

but his wife?

She knows. She's been through the same hell and she's living it again... they lost their daughter.... but they have another one, too; a younger one. And THAT baby girl lost her sister... and now?

They're faced with the reality that they might lost their husband and daddy.

I don't have to ask you ...

This family needs prayer, friends.

Please pray and please ask those you know to pray.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle ...

but how can one family be expected to 'handle' this on top of all that this past year has taken away from them?

Please pray.



Faith Like Hannah's....

Hi friends :-) It's been a while and I sat down tonight to write a long-overdue blog post/ update ... I just can't. To admit that we are 18 months into this second adoption wait, to try and justify why it's been that long, to reminisce about how much time we've 'wasted' waiting on different situations, and to act like it's all ok because God still has a plan.... Feels kind of fake. Since I can't find words, I'll let God choose them for me...

"Love is never tired of waiting."1 Corinthians 13:4



Last week Joey and I admitted that we were both just tired of waiting... and every time we feel that way God shows up to offer a light, some encouragement, and something to look forward to. Today, we are thankful for some light, are feeling encouraged, and are looking forward... We will never grow tired of waiting for our baby :-)

That was my Facebook post earlier this week and you know, it's really true;

We haven't grown tired of waiting... because well, we'd wait a lifetime if that's what it took to bring our next baby home. Just because we aren't tired doesn't mean that we aren't frustrated or confused or even angry sometimes... or a lot of times. We haven't given up and to me, that means that each morning we wake up refreshed and hopeful and 'good-anxious'... and we rejoice in the fact that we made it through one more day that has gotten us closer to our baby. THAT is worth the frustration, confusion, and anger, is it not?

Nope, Joey and I are doing fine... living one day at a time and doing our best to trust that God's plan is better than our own (but seriously, I CAN'T wait to see HOW and WHEN His plan will be better than my own... because my own is pretty damn good!), ((Sorry I used the 'D' word :-/)), (((Does infertility and/or adoption bring out your dirty mouth? I didn't even know I had one until infertility and adoption!!)

If you're 'waiting' or if you've ever 'waited', you know the magnitude of what I'm going to say... you know that it pierces your heart, makes you sick to your stomach, and gives you goosebumps all at the same time. Mostly, it just makes me more frustrated and confused and angry when I realize that

 we are not the only one's who are hurting through this wait... who are anxious and excited and hopeful. Our children are, too.

We have prepared our sweet girl 3 (T.H.R.E.E) times this year for her role as big sister... as in; "hurry and wash the baby clothes, unpack the car seat, clean the house, and start packing" kind of preparation. One of those times was a slower process but felt just the same when those babies didn't wear the clothes, sit in the car seat, or come home. Because of how difficult this past year has been, Joey and I have been EXTREMELY cautious around Hannah... we simply do not discuss 'baby' anything in her presence. If we get an email from an expectant mom or hear about a situation through an attorney, we wait and discuss it when Hannah's napping or in bed. While we DO pray for Hannah's baby brother or sister some nights at bedtime (it IS important for her to know that when baby comes home, it means that Jesus answered our prayers!), we just want to protect her as much as we can from the possibility of being 'heartbroken'... again.

Well...

Joey and I were getting dressed this morning and Hannah came tearing into our room.... full force yelling, "Mommy Daddy Mommy Daddy!!!! I'm so excited! My baby brother is coming home tonight!!!!"

Now imagine... how do you respond to this?

Well, if you're us, you get immediate goosebumps and stand there like idiots with your mouths hanging open.

I mean, how can you not be a little shocked/freaked out?

When we recovered, we hugged our bouncing 3 year old and moved on... what do you SAY???

Our day was fun; lunch at a fun place since Daddy was home today, puzzles, books, planted a tree, and made sugar cookies. Hannah wasn't into dinner tonight so we said the customary, "You can get down from the table but you don't get any treats until you eat your 5 bites" and she ran to play in the play room.

Joey and I finished eating and about 10 minutes later Hannah came running into the kitchen yelling, "My baby brother is almost here!! He';s on his way, he's almost here! Hurry I have to eat my dinner!  I don't know what car he's in.... let's go watch for him!"

By this time, Joey and I are a little more than confused/freaked out and I finally asked Hannah... "Who told you that your baby brother is coming home tonight?"

Hannah looked sweetly from her Daddy to me and said...

"Jesus told me, Mommy!"

Of course He did....

Ugh.

In the same extremely mature and sophisticated way in which we typically communicate with our daughter...

Joey changed the subject.

(Okay really?!?! Like you wouldn't have done the same thing!)

It was then that I felt sick to my stomach... and guilty... and angry... and confused... and in some strange way...

hopeful.

Here's the thing...

Most moms and dads would hear that from their child, dismiss it, and think, "There's no way that could happen, anyway... a baby showing up on our door step tonight! Ha!"

But... we met Hannah's birth-parents on a Thursday night, and picked up our baby-girl on Friday morning... 13 hours later.



Not so crazy, after all.

Back to the kitchen tonight....  me feeling sick.... my 'inner me' started running her mouth...

"It's Easter weekend.... it's the absolute perfect time to bring our baby home! Maybe she's right... God says that we need to have faith like a child, right? What if we DO bring our baby home this weekend?"

 “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and have faith like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

~Matthew 18:3

But here's what followed...

"What are you talking about?! EVERY SINGLE STINKING DAY FOR THE PAST YEAR HAS BEEN THE PERFECT DAY TO BRING OUR BABY HOME!!!!!"

So much for faith, huh?

Joey and I talked later on about how we should proceed with Hannah since she's obviously very aware, despite our best efforts to protect her, of this long 'wait' to become a big sister. We've learned (the hard way) that Scripture is always the best place to turn when you're at a loss...

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”  

~Matthew 19:14

We will let her dream... we'll even dream with her.

We will let her be excited... and we'll allow ourselves to be excited (once again), too.
We will learn from her flawless and perfect faith... we need it.

And we will pray that God will continue to place His loving and profound words in her heart because I have to be honest... there are days when I listen to my daughter more than I listen to my Heavenly Father and quite frankly, that's not ok.

To me, Easter represents all things 'new'... Jesus rising from the grave, our sins being washed clean, the weather, flowers, trees, fresh fruits and vegetables...

So why not families, too???

We always knew that Hannah was 'advanced' (my dad's word ;-))...



 but today she taught her Mama a much-needed lesson in faith!



I love you, sweet girl and know without a shadow of a doubt that you will be the BEST big sister there ever was.... and hopefully soon!

(at lunch with Daddy today)