The Spoiler~ What To Expect When You're Expecting

I mentioned in my previous post (the one where I warned you to see the movie because I would soon spoil it for you ;-)) that What To Expect When You're Expecting brought out just about every emotion from me... as a mom, as an adoptive mom, as a woman, as a wife, as a friend. Joey and I both laughed hysterically and by the end, were a little more somber ... and I was bawling. Like, ugly cry, Joey's arm around me, sobbing. In my defense, he teared up, too (sorry, babe!).

 

I'll bullet point my thoughts...

 

~ I LOVE the cast!

~ I LOVE that this movie gives a voice to almost all scenarios dealing with pregnancy... unplanned pregnancies, infertility, adoption, abortion, miscarriage, one night stands, mixed race couples, couples of various ages in various stages of life and relationships. I love that each scenario has a voice!

 

~ I LOVE that each scenario was dealt with gently... I didn't feel threatened by any of the couple's situations; they were all realistic and believable.

 

~ If you've ever been involved in a home study, you know why we CRACKED UP during Holly and Alex's home visit ;-)

 

~ I liked how Alex was embraced by the 'Dude Group' and treated like a soon-to-be-dad who was no different than any other dad just because he was becoming a father through adoption.
 

~ I loved how Alex's thoughts and feelings about becoming a dad were given credit... he was uncertain, then accepting, shocked, scared, excited, supportive, and everything in between; but we saw every emotion and every emotion was very real.


~ I loved the attention the movie gave to international adoption... but I wish the had explored domestic adoption, too; Rosie and Marco would have been the perfect couple to explore the other side of adoption.


~ I would loved if they explored the side of a birth-mom.

 

 

~ I just loved the "Dude Group." Period.

 

~ I liked how the five relationships intertwined (father/son, client/photographer, weight loss instructor/student).

 

 

~ I didn't like that Wendy, who struggled with infertility, was portrayed as the b****y, moody, ungrateful, miserable pregnant woman.

 

 

 

~ I wasn't crazy about Skyler's (Brooklyn Decker) flippant attitude about her pregnancy and how 'easy' it was... especially in scenes that included her daughter-in-law Wendy, who she knew had struggled with infertility. I know all to well that this scenario is very real... it just made my heart break for Wendy, even through the screen.

 

~ I don't think miscarriage is 'fair' for anyone... but it bothered me that Marco and Rosie~ the unmarried, one night stand couple were the one's who had the miscarriage. I felt that their situation had the potential to bring light to the reality of their all-to-real situation... it could have gone in so many (teachable) directions; coming together for the sake of a child, analyzing and thinking through real-life situations that involve making decisions that are best for a child, even though they aren't easy to make.

~ I didn't feel like the movie portrayed the grief and anguish that comes after a miscarriage. At all.

~ Of the couples in the movie who weren't married, I appreciated that none of the women were left hanging out to dry... the men were portrayed as supportive and involved, regardless of their situations; Jules and Evan hooking up while dancing partners and old flames Rosie and Marco.

(and really, who doesn't love Matthew Morrison?! ;-))

 

~ I loved the ending; I love love loved watching Holly and Alex get their baby! I loved that the tough guy, Davis, the one who all the 'Dude Group' Dads idolized for his single life-style, ended up in the 'Dude Group', too. Now I want to see the out-takes ;-)

 

So.... that's it in a nutshell; I thought it was a movie that is too relevant to my life (and many of your's!) and it deserved a review ;-) I need to watch it again but I'm pretty sure it will end up in my top 10 favorite movies, critiques and all!

Did you see it?! Weigh in... I wanna hear from you and know what you thought!

The Art of Complaining... By, A Pro

About a year ago, Joey accepted a new job that moved us half way across the country... new job, new town, new friends... looking back now, I see how God has used even the seemingly small changes in our lives to bring us to where we are today.

 And today, we're in a good place ;-)

With Joey's new job came some pretty big life changes.... we were moving for the second time in 2 years (and that second move soon became a third), Joey's job required him to start travelling during the week (most weeks), and I struggled to make our new life fun and exciting and stress-free for Hannah...

I didn't handle it well.

We moved a lot when I was growing up... California to New York (3 different houses and then 1.5 years of college), New York to South Carolina, South Carolina to North Carolina.... you get the point. The most recent moves had us in Kansas, back in South Carolina, and again, back to North Carolina.

Moving didn't bother me. I make new friends fairly quickly, I'm not afraid to branch out in order to meet new people, and our family unit is strong so in the times when I could have felt alone, I felt surrounded.

But these last couple moves... they've changed me.

I don't know if it's my age... I'm more set in my ways and less able to tolerate change?

Maybe it's everything the past few years have brought us and my inability to leave those things behind... more infertility, numerous failed adoptions, difficult friendships, family members losing jobs.

It could be that I liked how our lives were turning out right before the big changes took place.... but I didn't.

So when I get right down to it, I know the truth in my heart...

I haven't been giving God the room He needs to show me His plan... his wonderful and perfect plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

In the depths of the pain and stress we have endured over the past few years, I have allowed myself to 'take a vacation' from trusting the One who, sadly, I deem responsible for the losses and pain and changes...

Filling the voids with myself and not with Him; the only One who can fully fill them.

I read my Bible, we go to church, I surround myself with friends who uplift and encourage me... who don't judge.

But I have complained every. single. step. of. the. way.

"Our old house was way better than this house."

"I liked my friends... I don't want new ones."

"My Dad's job made him travel a ton while I was growing up... and now I have a husband who travels."

"We've been through so much... how much more are you going to throw at us, God?"

"I deserve better."

"I do so much every day, for so many people, and where has that gotten me?!"

The list goes on.

I have mastered the Art of Complaining....

and in my opinion, not much in this world, in my world, can separate me from God more than complaining.

So I've found myself here; In this place where I am surrounded by amazing, wonderful, miraculous things.... and I've spent so much time complaining that the only thing I can truly see and feel... is myself.

I feel those amazing, wonderful, miraculous things slipping away... disappearing under the weight of my complaints.

My husband was out of town last night and as I got into bed, I got this text from him...

"You're such a good mommy. We love you so much.... thank you for doing so much for us."

And it all faded away.

The 4 year old attitude, the stained carpet where the dog peed, the disaster of a playroom that has been staring me in the face for 2 weeks, the pile of dirty laundry that I've been clothing my family from because we're out of detergent and I keep forgetting to pick some up, the lousy frozen dinners we've eaten this week, the bill that was due yesterday but I haven't paid because I can't remember my stinking password (OR login name!), the chipped nail polish that drives me absolutely CRAZY, the dishwasher that smells like a skunk but I have ignored because I really don't want to know why it smells like skunk, running out of my favorite perfume and being in a terrible mood all day just because of it, missing my parents and feeling like we're missing out on each other's lives, completely losing it because my 4 year old just wanted to wear her see-thru princess dress to the store and didn't want to wear shorts under it, holding a grudge over one off-handed remark that I know was actually really funny...

A comment I didn't deserve.... but one that was so badly needed.

It was all gone.

I can't take any of it back.... but I can control when and if it all happens again.

I went to bed last night after reading my husbands sweet text and I promised myself that I will do everything in my power to enjoy each moment.... the lesson that life is fragile hits too close to home lately and there isn't a second that is worth wasting.

And when I got home from picking Hannah up from school this afternoon....

on the door step.

I'm done wasting those precious seconds on something like complaining.

And I'm relinquishing my title as a Pro Complainer...

 because when all is said and done, I wouldn't change one, single. thing about my life... about the plan God has made just for me.

God really does know what He's doing... I have to spend more time on the sidelines so I can see all that he's doing in the ring...

after all... He's proven time and time again to be much better at planning my life than me ;-)



Movie; What to Expect When You're Expecting

What to Expect When You're Expecting

 

A look at love through the eyes of five interconnected couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby, and ultimately coming to understand the universal truth that no matter what you plan for, life doesn't always deliver what's expected (imbd (dot) com).

 

Cast: Jennifer Lopez, Cameron Diaz, Matthew Morrison, Brooklyn Decker, etc.

 

 

Have you seen it?

 

If not, you should.

 

 

I haven't seen a 'new' movie in.... I just can't tell you how long! BUT, when a friend (one who knows our story well) told me and Joey about it this weekend, Joey and I watched it... that night.

 

I just can't think of a movie that has ever evoked so much emotion out of me....

 

As many of you know all to well, movies, books, and even simple conversations about pregnancy can sometimes spark an unexpected and extremely emotional reaction from those of us who have experienced pain in the process of growing our families.... in the process of becoming Mommies and Daddies. This movie touched on everything... infertility, abortion, adoption, pregnancy out of wedlock, pregnancy within marriage, twins, emergencies in pregnancy... all of it.

 

Joey and I laughed hysterically, I cried inconsolably, and we had lots to talk about when it was over... I'm not saying it was my favorite movie but I'm not saying I won't watch it again, either ;-)

 

I have SO much to say about this movie but I really want to see how many of you watch it or have already...

 

I'll give you a week ;-) If by next Monday you haven't watched it yet, I'll be the one to spoil it for you!

 

Be sure you leave a comment here or on Facebook after you've seen it... I wanna hear from you!

 





A Picture While I Process...

I have a few posts in the works but I'm finding it hard to get my thoughts together.... any ideas? Anything on your mind? I would love some inspiration ;-)

 

 

In the mean time... a picture that is just too amazing to keep to myself;

 

 

My Prince and my Princess.....

 



The Best 4 Years of Our Lives!

Baby-girl~

 

You turned 4 today.

 

Four;

 

4 years that went by entirely too fast.

 

 

 

4 years of lessons from you on how to be parents.

 

 

 

4 years of trial and error.

 

 

 

 

 4 years of watching you grow.

 

 

4 years of the best laughter of our lives.

 

 

 

4 years that we'll never forget....

 

 

 

But simply can't wait to add to!

 

 

 

 

A few 'Hannah-ism's' from your 4th year of life....

 

You; Daddy, I have 37 dollars!

Daddy; Who gave you all that money?!

You: Guys did!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Over-tired you threw a fit today at naptime and accidentally kicked me in the chest....

You: "I'm sorry Mommy... where did I kick you?"
Me: "In my chest (and I pointed)."
 You: "In your heart?"
Me: "Yes.... "
 You (very sad): "Mommy, did I kick Jesus?"
Me: "What do you mean, Baby?"
 You: "Jesus lives in your heart, Mommy... did I hurt Him?"
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I was putting something up in the closet and when I backed out of it I ran into into you and you ran into Dee-O...

You; That was really not cool mom.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Daddy was out of town and you and I had pancakes for dinner for the second night in a row... last night was M&M pancakes and tonite was chocolate chip but I made plain for myself;

You: "I see that you have a chocolate chip pancake on your plate, Mama. I fink that one is mine."
Me: "I have 2 plain and 1 chocolate chip... I just wanted to try one. Ummm.... where did you learn to talk like that?"
 You: "I'm not sure, Mama... but I want my pancake back, please." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

In one breath; "mommy, I spilled blue yogurt on the carpet and cleaned it all up with my foot but it's ok because Jesus said in the bible that mommys and daddys need to be nice to little kids and boys (??) so don't be mad, okay mommy?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Me: Hannah, I have a Candy Cane for you when you poop on the potty!
 You: I don't poop for Candy Canes, Mommy... only for Chocolate.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

You: "Mommy, did you sex daddy today?"
Me: "WHAT?!"
 You: "Did you sex daddy on your phone?"
 (since I'm not even sure we'll still be texting when you're old enough to read this, I'll mention that I'm pretty sure you meant 'text' ;-))

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

One morning in late March, you came running into our room screaming, "Mommy Daddy, Mommy Daddy... my baby brother's coming! He's coming and I don't know what car he'll be in but he's coming!"

 

We had been trying for a year to make you a big sister and it was so so hard for us to explain to you how God works, that He was working on making you a sister but wasn't ready to give us our baby yet. This went on all day and I finally asked you,

"Baby, who told you that your Baby Brother is on his way?"

 

You replied...

 

"Jesus did."

 

Your heart is as pure as gold!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Happy Birthday, Princess.... you're our world, our passion, our gift, and our dreams come true!

 

 

 

 

*Open*

 

There are so many different meanings to the term 'open' in relation to adoption;

 

As a hopeful Adoptive Parent;

 

~ You're OPEN to various special needs

~ You're OPEN to different races

~ You're OPEN to a history of drug or substance abuse

~ You're OPEN to a history of phychological disorders

~ You're OPEN to an open adoption

 

As a First Parent;

 

~ You're OPEN to letting strangers in to one of the most intimate parts of your life and heart

~ You're OPEN to divulging personal information to strangers (many of them)

~ You're OPEN to a couple who has kids

~ You're OPEN to an older couple

~ You're OPEN to a couple struggling with infertility

~ You're OPEN to a working mom

~ You're OPEN to a long-distance relationship with your child and his/her family

 

 

'Open'

(dictionary.com)

 

"Not closed."

"Having no means of closing."

"Having the interior exposed."

"Free of obstruction."

"To expand."

 

 

When did we turn 'open' into 'let's talk about it'?

 

And by 'we' I mean US... adoptive parents.

Yep. That hurts.

 

Joey and I have completed 4 home studies... you could say we're pros. We answered the same questions every other adoptive parents answers and pen didn't touch paper until we had prayerfully considered every single answer.

 

I'm learning that we're not the *norm*.

 

Why is that?

 

Why is it that someone can write 'open' when asked if they would consider a child of a different race but when the baby that was 'supposed' to be white comes out *a different race*,  they walk away?

 

It happens.

 

How is it that a couple checks 'open' to a child with CP or MS or Downs but when that baby is in front of them, they 'change their mind'?

(Now, don't get me wrong... a couple who walks away from one of those precious babies doesn't DESERVE that precious baby.)

 

But it happens.

 

What makes someone think that checking 'open' when asked what kind of relationship they want with their child's First Family really means 'let us take your baby home and then we'll talk about it'?

 

It happens.

 

How can a couple TAKE that baby home, knowing that they checked 'open', knowing the expectation THEY have given their child's First Family for an 'open' relationship, and then turn around and refuse visits and 'forget' to send pictures?

 

It happens.

 

It happens too much.

 

And it's our fault.

 

It's NOT the birth mom's fault, or the agency's fault, or anyone else's fault... the fault lies with the adoptive parents. They're to blame for the broken heart of their baby's First Mom... the woman who handed her baby to you, trusted you with his/her life, and trusted YOU when you said you'd like an OPEN relationship with her.

 

Is that you?

 

It's probably some of you....

 

"Each situation is different."

 

"We said we were ok with an open adoption before we met her."

 

"An open relationship isn't in our child's best interest, after all."

 

Let's agree that the definition of *open* when used in adoption-lingo has really become, "we'll think about it and let you know."

 

For some.

 

Not all.... but some. Too many, actually.

 

*OPEN* to special needs sounds really good (and easy) on paper...

 

Until you get 'that' call.

 

*OPEN* to a history of drug abuse sounds good on paper.

 

Until you get 'that' call.

 

*OPEN* to an open adoption sounds good on paper.

 

Until you know more, or meet her, or bring him home.

 

But the definition of *OPEN* isn't up for discussion....

 

it's closed for discussion.

 

And *OPEN* IS a discussion. It's many discussions... with your baby's First Parents. With your agency. Some might be relatively easy discussions where scenarios presented to you are no-brainers.... but some might not feel very good, where you're forced to dig deep and possibly admit that *that* relationship is outside of your comfort zone.

 

It's OK to admit that.

 

It's not ok to fake it.

 

While *OPEN* might have various sub-categories (monthly letters & pictures, multiple visits per year, texting, email, babysitting, Holidays, Birthdays, etc.), it's definition will always remain the same....

 

"Not closed."

"Having no means of closing."

"Having the interior exposed."

"Free of obstruction."

"To expand."

 

We can't do much about the adoptive parents who aren't living out the promises made to their child's First Family... I've realized recently (through the heart-break of too many First Moms I know) that only God can change those hearts.

 

But we can do something for the HOPEFUL adoptive parents; for the one's who are getting ready to put pen to paper and decide what they're *open* to.

 

Pray about those check-marks. Consider the best and worst case scenarios. Talk to your agency or attorney or social worker if you have questions or aren't sure.

 

For most agencies and attorneys, a family profile is shown to a prospective birth mom based SOLELY on those check-marks and how they do or don't apply to that specific mom.

 

You're messing with lives when your pen hits paper.

 

You're risking the heart-break of that mom; the one who falls in love with your profile only to learn days later that she can't meet with you because you're not open to an African American child, after all. The mom who entrusts her baby's life to you, only to find out months and years later that you weren't that trustworthy, after all.

 

But...

 

you're also risking your child's life.

 

She may meet her First Mom one day and learn that you were kept from her. She may realize when she's older that she could have known her First Parents when she was young and avoided the painful identity crisis she finds herself in as an adult.

 

Don't risk it.

 

Be honest.

 

Even if that means you're *closed*, after all.

 

It's ok to be closed and slowly become open...

 

it's not ok to be open and end up closed.
 

 * What if a relationship with her/him isn't healthy for our child and us right now? She's making bad decisions and we feel the need to protect our child for now...

~ Send your letters and photos to your agency. Let them be the one's to determine when/ if to send those updates. Maybe it's not possible to maintain the level of openness that you first agreed upon.... but in this case, it IS her decision and yes, you ARE protecting your child. BUT... you still have an obligation to do what you can to be *open*. She may call that agency one day and want/need to know more about her baby.... and the agency will have that information to give her; from you.

* What if she's the one who has stopped contact with us? She isn't responding to us anymore... what are we supposed to do?

~ Has she asked you to stop contacting her? Then keep sending your emails, letters, texts, photos, etc. You send them *until*.

* We didn't specify the boundaries in our relationship before we brought our baby home. How do we know what and how much we are supposed to do to maintain a relationship with her?

~ Ask. Ask her. Ask your agency. Your attorney. Someone. And if no one has the answers you need, send letters and emails and photos on a regular basis... be predictible. A letter and photos once a month, twice a year, every Holiday... you choose but stick to it.


Nope. I'm NOT the best at always keeping in touch with Hannah's birth-parents. I try. I try hard! And life does get in the way, sometimes. This responsibility almost always lies mainly with the Mama.... and well, so do a lot of other responsibilities. When those *things* distract me from something THIS important, I never ignore the urge to text, or email, or send a picture... yep, I could do it more. But I do it. We promised we would... and we do; AT LEAST that much. We said we were *open* and we are.

Are you?

If you aren't, for whatever reason, please explore the 'other side'. Maybe it won't end up truly *open* but for your child's sake and for the sake of his or her first parents, please explore. Talk to another adoptive family, email ME (I have LOTS to share soon about my family's adoption experiences... we cover them ALL!), talk to a counselor, a social worker, somone... just promise to at least be *open* to being truly OPEN!

If you're a hopeful adoptive parent and you checked that box, the one that said *open*, are you ready and willing and excited to be somewhat exposed, not closed, and ready to consider what might feel *out of the box*?

If not, uncheck that box. Please. Let's not be responsible for this hurtful definition of *open* anymore.


If you are in an open adoption, adoptive parent or first parent, would you mind sharing the *level of openness* you agreed upon and the relationship you currently have? It's ok to be annonymous but I think it would help so many if we could share the various ways we can be open!

 



A Tutorial: On Baby Showers

Just one more thing that seems ... unfair (?), different (?), annoying (?) about adoption;

 

Baby Showers.

 

Every woman dreams of her baby shower, much like they dream of their lingerie shower or bridal shower. It's a right of passage, so to speak. It's symbolic of a new start and just adds to the excitement of a new baby.

 

I've always tried to be sensitive to adoptive moms in this area and well, if you don't ask you won't know! As I've done so many times before, (;-)) I thought I'd shed some light on showers for adoptive moms so if you know one, you know how to support them;
 

. Some of us are comfortable planning and purchasing the absolute necessities in our wait to bring baby home... we buy diapers in every size, both boy and girl outfits, bottles, wipes, burp cloths, blankets, and so on. Some choose to prepare a nursery but some are also uncomfortable with what an empty nursery symbolizes (I SO remember that feeling!)
 

I was a planner in our wait for Hannah.... partly because our agency had certain requirements in order to be officially waiting with them (new car seat, some kind of crib/bassinet, one boy and one girl outfit, etc.) and partly because .... well, what the heck are you supposed to do?!?!
 

Most friends of waiting moms don't know how to broach the subject of baby showers so I wanted to touch on a few things I've learned, from experience;

 

* 'Sip N' See's' are a great thought... but if you've read this post, you'll understand why this kind of shower after baby comes home might make an adoptive mom uncomfortable. Some moms might love a chance to show off her baby but traditionally, a baby shower is about the Mama... a 'Sip N' See' might bring with it expectations that a new mom just can't meet. Ask your new mama-friend what kind of shower she has dreamed of.

 

* There is NOTHING wrong with hosting a shower for Mom after baby comes home and NOT expecting baby to be present. With no expectations, Mom can choose to leave baby home with Daddy or have baby make a surprise appearance for everyone to see. This way she is also allowed to enjoy her shower and the attention that is being shown to her ;-)

 

* If you're unaware of any plans for a shower but would like to show your support and excitement to this new family, ask what they need the most. If the couple has prepared somewhat, they still might be in need of some of the more expensive baby items (second car seat, crib, double stroller, changing table, etc) and could use gift cards to a specific store to help them in purchasing those things. We also all know what it feels like to see that completely adorable, can't live without Coach diaper bag and have NO justification for purchasing it... you might just be the perfect person to help her with a gift card so she can purchase that one special splurge item!
 

* If you can't make it to the shower, stop by with a meal. Don't offer to have them over but ask what night would be most helpful and bring them dinner.... and always make sure it's freezable as we all know that nights don't always go as planned. Sometimes it's easier to ask what their favorite take-out is and get them a gift card or call in their order.... delicious food, a huge helping hand, and someone else delivers; win-win for you! PLUS, this more intimate setting makes that new Mama more inclined to let you snuggle that sweet baby!
 

* If you do know a waiting adoptive mom and would like to celebrate her and her baby with a shower, ask her what she prefers; a shower before baby comes where gifts and theme are gender neutral or involve just baby necessities? Or a shower after baby is born at a time when life has calmed and she has a better grasp of what their specific needs are? Let her be part of the planning so when that fun day comes she is able to bask in the excitement and not stress over things that might make her uncomfortable.
 

* Last but not least, no one can stop you from accessing some of the most popular baby stores online and searching their registry. Adoptive parents often-times register in order to get the same perks that other new parents get (10% off anything on the registry after one year, high-value coupons, freebies, etc). Searching their names on some of those websites might give you a good idea of what they like, what they might still need, and how you can help them prepare or settle in with their new family member. You don't need permission to check out those registries once in a while ;-)


Adoptive Moms dream, too. With all of the unfair differentiations between pregnancy and adopting, it's quite possible that an adoptive mom might slip between the cracks. Be the friend of her's who steps out and offers to lavish her with the love and support from friends that she so desperately needs... I promise she will NEVER forget your heart and sensitivity for her!

 

Home Studies; A Tutorial

I LOVE it when you guys send me ideas for my next post.... there is so much to touch on when it comes to discussing infertility, adoption, and parenting! Send me your ideas and you know I'll do my best to be as honest as possible ;-)

Heather and her husband are getting ready to adopt through the foster care system and responded to one of my Facebook pleads for new ideas asking if I could help her travel through the home study process. Fortunately (umm... or unfortunately :-/), I'm a pro at home studies!

That's one thing an adoptive parent never wants to be... a pro at home studies. LOL!

Joey and I are actually getting ready for our up-teenth home study visit this week so Heather had perfect timing, as it's on my mind, too!

I'll start with 2 myths that I fully believed when preparing for our first home study;

Myth #1; Your house needs to be spotless so the social worker can see the pristine environment your future child will grow up in....

Yeah, right. I remember our social worker (whom we have been working with through Hannah's adoption AND our current process) mentioning that, while she never wants to walk into a pig sty, it's always nice to see a family in their day-to-day environment. 

Here's my advice; pick up the house. Don't leave your underwear laying around. Other than that, hiring a cleaning lady the day before your visit will only break the bank... not impress anyone.

Myth #2; It's not in your favor to admit to the beer you have with dinner, the fights you have over money, the time you waste on Pinterest, and the attitude a certain family member has toward your adoption. 

Be real. You're not searching for ANY child, you're searching for YOUR child... and YOUR child needs YOU; not who you pretend to be. No one is perfect and your social worker is aware of that.... show her who you are, how you spend your time (productive and unproductive), how you argue, how you make up, and who you surround yourself with.  She's been around the block... she'll no doubt know the amazing qualities that will make you incredible parents but a couple who admits to their faults is refreshing and honest. 

And a few words of advice....

 ~ Have a snack and drink prepared to offer your social worker. She's probably not going to show up famished or parched but food and drinks always calm the atmosphere. We all feel a little more in control and relaxed when we have something yummy in front of us :-)

~ If possible, have copies of your home study documents within reach during your visit. Most likely, your social worker has received all of your documents from a third party (lawyer, agency, DSS, etc) and things always get lost in transit. Having copies of those documents is not only a safety net for you, should a snag appear in the adoption process, but it can really save time if something is missing during your visit.

~ If you have children already, request a time for your visit when your child/ children are most likely to watch a show/ movie, eat a snack, or enjoy quiet time or a nap.  It might even be a good idea to ask your sitter or neighbor's daughter to come over to play games or out back for a little while. Your social worker will want to see you interact with your child, if possible, but they can also be a distraction and frustration for you when you're already anxious.  

~ While your nursery and home don't have to be ready and waiting for your baby at the time of your first visit, let this visit be your permission to dream and plan a little. A home study means that things are moving and you're getting closer and closer to your child.... it's now ok to peruse the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue, go to town pinning your favorite nursery ideas, stocking up on diapers, and choosing a few cute outfits. Your social worker will want to know what your plans are... which room will be his/her room? What have you done/ will you do to prepare your home before your baby's arrival? If you get a quick placement with little notice, will you feel ready?

Your turn.... what's YOUR advice for our new home study-ees??

How to be an Adoptive Mama... By, an Adoptive Mama

How to be an Adoptive Mama....

By: An Adoptive Mama

* When people comment on how great you look after just having a baby, politely thank them. You may not have birthed that baby but you HAVE planned and prepared for that baby, been up all night every night, stressed over one little cough, forgotten to eat multiple days in a row, and don't even know when you'll have time to pee next... AND, you're out in public!

You DO look great!

* When someone asks you how your baby's parents are or if you talk to them, politely tell them that you and your husband are geting along just fine and actually talk to each other every day, if they can believe it. Your baby's birth-parents/ First Parents are doing ok, too and "yes we speak to them regularly" or "no they've asked for some space while they heal and we'll be here when they're ready." 

If you wanna be nice(er), a gentle reminder on the correct terminology won't hurt, either ;-)

* You will inevitably run across people who think your children look like you, no matter their gender, race, or age.  God CHOSE that baby to be YOUR'S so, "Thank you! But wait until you see my husband... he/she's the spitting image of him!"

* When someone asks you where your child/children are from, tell them that your children are a product of 'the fruit of your labor'... and then ask them where their children are from ;-) 


* When your child asks you why they didn't come from your belly like the other kids, let them know that Jesus HAND-PICKED them to be your baby... and that your belly wasn't the right place for them to grow; Jesus kept them with Him until YOU were ready for them.

***************

* When someone asks you if you 'still want kids of your own', tell them that no matter how your family is built, your children are "On Loan From Heaven" ... and they're really just your's for just a while.

(Do you have any to add?!  Sarcastic OR serious ;-) .... I'd LOVE to include them!! Leave a comment and I'll add it.)

To My Babies; What I Want You to Know

A letter to my babies... present and future;

Sweet Babies~

The fact that our family has been grown through adoption is something you know; It's who we are. It's HOW we are.

And it's perfect.

You will grow up having access to your First Families... you each have a box; in that box is every single correspondence we've had with your First Family;  every letter, email, and card they've ever sent you or us, journal entries they've shared with us to give to you, the gifts they've sent you, every monthly update we were required to send to our agency... everything. It's all there for you to read and process when you're ready. You'll know your First Family as you grow up.... your Daddy and I will always know where they are and how they're doing and we'll keep them updated on YOU. We'll visit with them. You will always know them.

I imagine one day you'll have questions for your birth parents; Why did you choose adoption for me? How did you know my Mom and Dad were right for me? Did you love me? Did you think about me? And many more, I'm sure...

But babies, your Daddy and I don't have a box for each of you... a place where we write you letters and store our memories. Still, there are a few things I want you to know... things that will always be in you but things that you'll need to read and be reassured about as you grow. Things that I want you to hear from me... your Mommy.

What I Want You to Know

~ We didn't do anyone any favors when God brought you into our lives and we brought you home. We weren't saving your birth parents or even you from whatever it was that prompted them to place you in our arms. We aren't 'amazing people' because our family is grown through adoption. Adoption IS our family. It's not even a choice your Daddy and I mulled over and debated about... it's just us. You have done more for us than we could ever hope to do for you... and we will spend every day of our lives doing our very best. 

~ YOU were wanted and loved before we ever knew you.... by us and your birth parents. For us, seeing you for the first time only put a precious face to that love. There has never been... and never will be a time that you aren't wanted. You are necessary for our family to be... for it to exist.

~ You weren't our second choice. There's no rank when it comes to how the Lord chooses to build a family but I imagine some kids might struggle with this as they get older. Did you try to get pregnant before you found me? Did you continue trying to get pregnant after me? What made you decide to stop 'trying'? Do you ever wish you HAD gotten pregnant? Your Daddy and I tried our best to listen to God... to follow His lead and trust Him to bring our babies to us, no matter HOW He chose to do it, our babies were missing and our hearts were aching for you.  We followed a path to you that was full of anxiety, impatience, excitement, let-downs, and thankfullness. We had to travel that path, through all of that 'stuff' to be who WE needed to be for YOU. For that reason alone, we would repeat everything ... our quest to grow our family, all over again in a second if it would bring us YOU. Our arms weren't aching for a biological child.... they were aching for OUR child. For you. You were always our first choice.


~ It's ok to ask questions. ANY questions. About your adoption, about relationships, about Jesus, about drugs or alcohol or sex, about ... anything. You can ask me and your Daddy or your Uncles... they're your best resource for adoption. ;-) When you're old enough and have formed your own list of questions, you can ask your First Parents.... you can ask them anything. Your story... your history; past, present, and future are vital pieces of your existence....  Your Daddy and I don't know the answers to some of the questions you'll have but we will do everything we can to help you find the answers. You deserve to know and it's ok to ask. Your birth parents AND us give you permission to ask... anything, anytime.

` Your testimony began before you were even born. I wish I could introduce each of you to every single person who prayed for you.... who prayed for us while we tried so hard to wait patiently for you. The first chapters of your lives started in our living room where friends surrounded me and your Daddy and cried with us and prayed that God would ease the ache in our hearts until you came home. They prayed for your First Parents and that God would ease the ache in THEIR hearts as they struggled to make decisions for you. Each of your homecomings brought friends and family to their knees.... your precious faces in our full arms were proof that God answers prayer.  People who weren't close to God for whatever reason couldn't even deny HIS hand in YOUR homecoming. YOU are proof of that.... over and over and over again.

~ There IS a plan for your life. Your Daddy and I knew that the Lord had plans for you far beyond what we could imagine the first time we looked at your faces. I don't know if you'll be doctors, teachers, waiters, CEOs, Pastors, lawyers, janitors, or musicians..... but no matter what you are, be it with everything that's in you. Sometimes you'll fail... and it'll suck. Lesons learned, tears cried, anger released and you'll be ok. I can't promise 'your plan' will be easy.... mine hasn't always been. But it will be worth it. It's hard to remember in those moments but it's all part of the plan... the plan that's greater than any of us can imagine. YOUR life plan.

I know there's more, babies, and maybe I'll add to this list over time; but this last one... it's the most important. I never want you to forget it and I will spend every day of my life showing you...


I love you.


More than Diet Coke, and cupcakes, and Raspberries, and pedicures, and Sweet Tarts, and shopping, and Lily's, ....

I love you more than anything... I did then, and I do now, and I will 'when'.

~ Your Forever Mama