This post is just begging for a Part II (at least!). To be completely honest, I am SO SO sad that these hurtful, yet well-intentioned comments resonate so deeply with so many of you. BUT, on the other hand, I must agree with commenter CholeClan (who is proudly and admittedly my Mom and best friend :-)) that I am also SO SO thankful to know so many other women who will risk their pain and sadness to share with others. I know from personal experience that it takes MAJOR guts to trust others' with a part of you that is so raw, and so awful, and painful, and dark. So many of us are or have been in this together... in this world of infertility that was never a part of our dreams when we were little girls.
Honestly, never once did I think, "I am going to grow up, meet my prince charming, have a beautiful wedding surrounded by my family and friends, take my temperature every morning, make breakfast, take a pill, go to work at a job I absolutely love, chart my CM, make love as much as we want but make sure that it also coincides with my 'eggwhite', stay up late talking about our dreams, teach my hubby how to give hormone injections even though never once did he think, "Hey, I have a future as a nurse!", get a PAP 6 times a year, add some surgery in the mix..." and all the while wonder if we're even SUPPOSED to conceive a child.
Regardless, here we are. Can I be honest with you?
I AM SO THANKFUL THAT WE CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!!
Nope, I'm not crazy! If we had gotten pregnant when we started trying 4 years ago, we wouldn't have Hannah! The thought of missing out on this perfect, amazing little girl makes me sick to my stomach. Wanna know something else?
I'M SO THANKFUL THAT WE CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!!!
Because there is NO WAY in this world that I want to miss out on the next precious, perfect baby or babies that God has picked for us! NO.WAY.IN.HELL!! (Excuse my language... it's just the truth) I get butterfly's in my stomach and lose my breath when I think of the next sweet miracles that will join our family! So as a follow up to my vent above... never once did I think,
"I am going to grow up, meet my Prince Charming, dream together about starting our family, try to start our family the conventional way, struggle for a while, finally realize God's true plan for our family, complete our home study, wait "patiently", meet an amazing couple who had a 10 day old baby girl, bring her home 13 hours later, realize 13 hours and 1 minute later that she's more perfect and incredible than anything Prince Charming and I could have ever possibly hoped to make together, thank God for the miraculous plan He had for us from day 1 (and thank Him also for the entire messy process of realizing His perfect plan), and be ready in 2 years to do it all over again."
But here we are :-)
I feel that it's necessary to speak to our friends and readers for whom pregnancy was part of their perfect plan. The majority of my friends have given birth to precious baby boys and girls. To some, pregnancy has come easily, to others' it has come with a lot of heartache and struggle but still, it has come and there are others still who got pregnant once or twice with no problem and are now facing difficulty with a second or third pregnancy. I want to go on the record on behalf of every women who commented on Part I and speak to our friends who may not know what "infertility" feels like:
First of all, thank you for being there for us. Thank you for listening. We know you can't possibly understand the emotions and darkness that we have or are going through but your support means so much to us... SO MUCH!
Second, we are so thankful that you DON'T have to experience what we have. I firmly believe that every family is built in a very unique, perfect way; one that is hand chosen by God based on the way He created us... individually. Your children are precious and perfect. Your plan is perfect. So is ours :-)
Thirdly, and possibly most importantly.... WE REJOICE WITH YOU WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT! I have so often been the last to hear the exciting news that a close friend is expecting because they are afraid of hurting my feelings or making me sad. This couldn't be further from the truth, friends! Your news is SO exciting to me! What hurts is NOT the news itself, it's that you didn't allow me to celebrate with you.
I'll follow this with a bit of ugly honesty; When a friend tells me that she's expecting, nine times out of ten, I will go home and be sad. I'll cry. I'll feel a little bit of jealousy that pregnancy was chosen for you. (The feelings are similar to those you experience when a friend announces her engagement and you're thrilled for her and pissed off for you :-)) BUT... this has nothing to do with you or your amazing news. It has to do with me, with my insecurities, and it has to do with me not understanding the plan for OUR family... yet. The plan will unfold. It WILL come. And we know without a doubt that you will be there to celebrate with us... so please let us celebrate with you!
Maybe you're not experiencing infertility, but do you know someone who is? Do you have a question that I (or other readers) can answer that will help you know how to support your friend?
I already know that so many of you are experiencing infertility; is there something else I can add to the list of things we want our friends to know?
Please share... let's continue to build a community where we can discuss, ask, and even vent. I'm loving it so far :-)
Reminder: Please use respectful language when referring to anyone; other women struggling with infertility, birthmoms, pregnant women in general, and yes, even family :-)