Thursday, January 6, 2011
What NOT To Say: A Tutorial
My mom and dad struggled with infertility for years before they had me and brought my brothers home so my mom and I have had many many many tearful conversations (or venting sessions, depending on how you want to look at it) after many 'best-intention' comments from friends. For your reading pleasure, we've compiled a list :-)...
The Top 15 Things You Should Never Say To Someone Struggling With Infertility:
In no particular order...
1. "You're young... you have lots of time to have a baby."
2. "Maybe God doesn't want you to have kids yet."
3. "It doesn't sound like you're giving it all to God."
4. "You just need to relax and then you'll get pregnant."
5. "Is your husband shooting blanks?"
6. "You're being selfish to want more than one child."
7. "Just be thankful for what you do have and focus on that."
8. "There's always next month."
9. "Are you sure you're having the right kind of sex?" (No, this was not a joke!)
10."It's time to move on and realize that you're just not supposed to be a mom."
11. "Are you making sure you elevate your hips for 20 minutes after sex?" (Thanks Ashley!)
12. "You just watch; As soon as you bring home your sweet baby (through adoption) you'll get pregnant!!" (Thanks annonymous... this is a perfect one!)
13."You're not getting any younger... when are you guys going to start your family?" (This comment mostly comes before anyone knows of your struggle to get pregnant... and it still hurts. Thanks Annonymous!)
14."At least you're married..." (Thanks Jill!)
15."Don't you ever want your 'own' baby?" (Thanks Lindsay... I can't believe I left this one out!)
Between me and my mom, we've been on the receiving end of each one of these comments/ questions and so many more. We've NEVER doubted that these comments were said in hopes that we would feel validated, encouraged, or loved... but we were hurt.
So, the question remains for those of you who may know someone going through the pain and frustration of infertility; "What SHOULD I say to comfort and support them?"
"I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't understand but I'm here to talk whenever you're ready and in the mean time, I'll be praying you through it all. I can't wait to celebrate with you when your baby comes home!"
I know that so many of you, my sweet blog friends, are now or have in the past struggled with infertility. Do you have a comment to add to the list? What can or has someone said to you that made you feel loved and cared for in this dark time of your life?
Please share... we can't get angry at a 'well-intentioned' comment if we're not willing to let people know what they CAN say or do to help us through this tough time.
** I'm officially enabling the Cone of Safety! This means that you can vent and be honest without fear of being judged... and for the first time ever, you can even comment as 'annonymous' :-)**