Saturday, February 11, 2012

Love, Sex, Lingerie... and the Lord

Another question I get quite often;

How have you and your husband made it through 5 years of infertility and everything it involves? Many couples don't stay together or their marriage is so broken from stress and guilt and frustration that it seems beyond repair..... how can I make sure my husband and I don't get to that point? Is trying to get pregnant even worth that risk to our relationship?

The answer is simple;

You love each other so much that your love can get you through anything.



That phrase somehow implies that those who don't make it through the tough times just don't love each other enough. Those of us in the throws of infertility, or the adoption wait, or cancer, or marriage counseling, or bankruptcy, or the loss of a child take some kind of sick comfort in the fact that if we're still together, then we're at least better than those who aren't.

I'm not being mean. I've done this, too.

Valentine's Day is around the corner and like I said before, it's never been my favorite "holiday"; flowers are beautiful but they end up dying, chocolate is delicious but it makes me fat, a fancy dinner is special but breaks the budget because food can't be a 'normal' price on Valentine's Day, and lingerie is beautiful but it stays on for 2 seconds, costs $1,000,000, and doesn't really make a woman feel sexy... and really?!? Who in the entire WORLD looks good in lingerie besides VS models? C'mon guys.

I digress;

I've read lots of love stories lately so I can't help but give some thought to our own 'love story'. The details aren't very note-worthy but if I had to pin-point defining moments in our marriage, (and let's face it, defining moments are typically the one's that have the potential to ruin us) they all bring me back to our struggle through infertility and our adoption waits and I have to ask myself the same question many of you have asked me....

How HAVE Joey and I made it this far?

We held each other. We prayed together. We encouraged one another. We supported each other. Our relationship grew stronger through the tough times.

We loved each other.... and we stayed together.


 Huh. It sounds good.... but it's not right. Yes, we did all of those things but what's hidden between the lines isn't quite as nice. There's no question that Joey and I love each other more than anything in the world but here's how our 'love' really got us through the darkest parts of our marriage....

We fought. A lot. Sex became a calendar event... a chore. We blamed each other... you know the lines, "You have slow swimmers!" "Well you have a crappy uterus!" "You want a baby more than you want me." "You aren't the person I married." "If this is how we're going to be, I don't want to be married!"
We spent money on infertility treatments. Lots of it. We isolated ourselves for fear of letting others' in our darkness. Some nights, we slept in different rooms. He second-guessed our marriage.... and so did I. We swore at each other. He avoided me and I avoided him. We cried... and we hurt.
(That's the ugly side of infertility and adoption... the part where you're both hurting so much that it's almost impossible to be strong for the other person. The part before.)

When I look back I, too wonder how we made it through some of those dark times. How can anyone make it through not just infertility, but through the loss of a child or cancer?

They all hurt us and break us ... and change us.


We stayed together because not staying together was never an option. We had faith because God had proven himself faithful before and we knew He would again. We forgave because He forgave us first. We did it all together but when we tried doing it all apart.....

we always came back together.

So yes, we love each other but our love for each other isn't what got us through some of the darkest times in our marriage...

God's love for us is what got us through.

"I am absolutely convinced that nothing- nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable- absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way He loves us." ~Romans 8:37-39

We're here and we're strong and we're together not because of how much we love each other but because of how much we love God. ...

If you have the capacity to love God with "all of your heart and all of your soul and all of your mind," and truly rely on His word, you are also capable of loving your husband (or wife) with all of the love that Christ gave you. You will make mistakes. You'll fight and scream and cry but you CAN come back together.


I never worried about the kind of man I was going to marry.... I knew he would be a leader. I knew he would be compassionate. I knew he would be patient. I knew he would love the Lord. And I knew that when I looked into his eyes, I would know how much he loved me.

I knew all of this because I knew I wouldn't settle for a man who was less than my Daddy, my original Valentine... and my Daddy is all of those things.

Joey, my present-day Valentine, is a leader and he's compassionate and he's patient. He loves the Lord with everything that's in him.... and when I look into his eyes, I know how much he loves me.

 And he loves me that much because he loves God even more.


  1. Sigh. I need to find a guy like that.


  2. Beautiful!! Sounds just like our story! God is faithful and the only way we ever made it through!

  3. So absolutely true! The only way to get through the rough stuff is faith! I love when people ask that question too...because it is never the answer they expect but always an opportunity to let them know just how faithful God is. Love this post!

  4. You always make me cry! What gives?


    ~ Rebecca

  5. This is so beautiful! I can't wait to share it with a friend of mine.

  6. Again, your honesty amazes me! Love it!

  7. Visiting from Kelly's blog. I love your post, and I love your honesty. Thank you for your words and how true they are. Our love for the Lord is what gets us through. I can't wait to look back on this "storm" and see all the little ways He was working. Many blessings to you and your family.

  8. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful post. I found your blog through Kelly's Korner and her list of infertility blogs. You are #57, and I am #77. :)

    I cried through reading this blog to my husband and we both nodded and laughed and he said an 'amen!' once or twice. Very good blog, and I hope to follow you (and catch up!) soon!


  9. you have such a gift! i love reading your posts because of your honesty, vulnerability and your ability to get your point across! i'm so thankful that you have a daddy and now a husband who has all of those wonderful qualities! i completely agree with the love being shared between the two of you (us), isn't what gets you through, its the Lord, His love for us and us doing our best to love Him in return, that makes us always come back together! and not being together, just isn't an option!!

  10. Thanks for your comment on my Valentine's Day post. Glad I hopped over here to read yours and glad that there are others willing to be transparent and honest about their struggles. It's what strengthens us all!


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