Wednesday, February 1, 2012

What Not to Say: Part V

If you're new to What Not To Say posts, feel free to browse through our previous 4;
Part III: How To Piss Off WNTS to an Adoptive Parent
(Feel free to add your comments, too if you have more to add to any of our lists!)

And now for Part V:

What Not To Say To A Waiting Adoptive Parent;

So, it's true; we are waiting adoptive parents... again. Maybe that's where this post is coming from ;-)

In the past week ALONE, I have been on the receiving end of every single comment listed below.... the thing is; every single person who made these comments was in the middle of offering me their unconditional support and encouragement as our second wait continues to drag on. They were said out of kindness and there is no doubt in my mind that each person loves me, is praying for me, and wants to meet Baby Smith #2 just as much as we do ... ok, maybe not exactly as much (pretty sure that's not possible unless we're talking about Baby Smith #2's grandmas, Nee & Ghee ;-))

This important thing to remember about this list is that, contrary to previous WNTS posts, I am in the middle of this one... and we've been here for a while. These comments piss me off, true but the people who said them DO NOT piss me off.... if ever I needed their encouragement and support, it's now. They have helped me get this far and they will help me get further... hopefully not TOO much further :-/

We had a busy weekend..... a baby boy was born in a state far away from us but we were one of the 2 couples that his parents wanted to talk to about their hopes for their precious son. We waiting all weekend on pins and needles for their call but it didn't come.... after their talk with couple #1, baby boy's mom and dad, understandably overwhelmed and anxious to place their 4 day old baby with his family, decided to go with the couple who lived closer to them... something we understand COMPLETELY!

I never thought I'd wish to live in Michigan until this weekend ;-)

After this long weekend, Joey graciously offered to stay home an extra 2 hours this morning so he could take Hannah to school, pick her up and meet me for lunch so I could have a couple extra hours to myself.... and when I'm by myself, I think. And that's not always a good thing... ;-)
(Don't I have an AMAZING husband??? Really... he's my rock. I'm a lucky girl!)

SO, this morning I reflected on these comments... thoughtful, backed by amazingly good intentions, meant to be encouraging.... and they went from those positive things to a WNTS post as soon as they reached my ear.

What Not To Say To A Waiting Adoptive Parent
(followed by my completely honest and sarcastic thought-process...)

"Just be patient a little bit longer!"
(Like I have a choice...)

"I have such a good feeling about this baby! This is your baby!"
(If this was true, I would have 9 babies after this past year...)

"You're still growing and God still have things He wants you to learn through this phase of your life."
(Huh. Pretty sure I've learned enough... and don't say it... I KNOW God is still teaching me! The second I start thinking I have learned enough is when I have the most to learn.)

"Maybe these moms think of you more as a friend and confidante rather than the mother of their child."
(No comment....)

"When you bring your baby home, you'll look back and wish you had enjoyed being a family of 3 a little more."
(This really did piss me off... My baby is MISSING.... he/she isn't here with us... that's not something I will look back on and appreciate.... I miss having another set of First Parents in our family.... our baby-girl needs to be a big sister.... she asks me EVERY SINGLE DAY if she can be a big sister today....)

"At some point you'll look back over the past year and you'll see all of the reasons why you didn't bring a baby home before now."
(This is true. I just don't want to hear it.... :-))

YOU'RE TURN!! C'mon waiting mommies.... there are SO many of you out there (many whom I have emailed with this week :-)).... give it to me! What's your list? I'd love to add to this one :-)

Here's the Cone of Silence.... WNTS posts are judgement-free and it's the only time you're allowed to comment as 'anonymous'


  1. My one year olds first mom is pregnant again. The father(who is not Lilly's bio-dad) is less then attractive and not the brightess crayola in the box. Since they live in a truck and he mistreats the mother, they can't hold a job and are both on probation we hope to be able to adopt this baby as well ( we have a feeling CPS will remove the baby and then we will step in)
    Several people have asked me if I would really want to raise a child with that DNA and one that could look like the dad.
    This is horriable! It is not the babies fault who's DNA they have, plus it is a insult to my beautiful baby girl who shares half of that DNA.

  2. Oh my gosh. Seriously?! Someone's DNA now factors in to what child God picked for your family? And to top it off, people thing that actually MATTERS? One of the most beautiful things to be about adoption is that us AP's have no choice but to put our full trust in the Lord that He has the perfect child picked out for us.... and that includes trusting that He knows their DNA and their future regardless of that DNA.

    I'll be honest; there are plently of things about me (high Cholesterol, infertility, crooked teeth, bad eye-sight, and the list goes on...) that I don't care to ever pass down to a biological child... who's to say that that bio child would be any better off than the one God has chosen for us?

    Oh. And Bunions. Disgusting. NO child needs to have THOSE passed down to them! LoL!

    Your baby is beautiful... and her brother or sister will be, too... because YOU are their parents and their beauty will start beneath the surface :-)

    Please keep me posted on that sweet baby.... How far along is she? Would she consider adoption BEFORE CPS steps in? I'll be praying for you guys!!


  3. Cone of safety, right? Anonymous is ok?

    You'll know who I am ;-)

    A close friend said this to me last week when SHE asked how our adoption process was going and seemed genuinly interested in hearing about it... I knew I was wrong when she said...

    "The more you talk about this, the more desperate you sound."

    True story.

  4. Anonymous~

    Does that even deserve a response??

    I don't think so. That's just mean... I'd suggest no more conversations with that 'listening' friend ;-)

    I know what hurtful comments feel like... the one's that don't just come out mean but were MEANT to be mean; they're awful. I'm sorry someone made you feel like that ... it sux :-(

    If you need someone new to listen, I'm here ;-)


  5. I just discovered your blog today. As one of seven adopted children and having a sister who placed a baby for adoption, I love your blog! I had one thing to add. Have you considered a "What Not To Say" column for an adopted child? There might be some overlap, but one of the highest ones on my list would be, "You're adopted? Your parents must be such good people." Or, when someone in the family has a biological child, "Now we finally have a real (insert last name) child."


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