"Every Good and Perfect Gift...

...Is From Above"

~ James 1:17

 

“I’m sorry, but your baby is not compatible with life.”

 

A phrase no mother or father should ever EVER have to hear. These words echoed in the minds of Aleisa and William for 99 days after they were given that devastating news during a ultrasound. Through prayer, reflection and endless amounts of support, Aleisa made the promise to her baby girl, “I will carry you.” Many would have “opted out” of their pregnancy like some doctors often suggest because with the diagnosis of Trisomy 18, if you are even blessed with life outside the womb, the quality is not there. Choosing life was the most admirable, inspirational, selfless and faith filled act Aleisa and William could have ever done. The emotional roller coaster she describes in her blog was often unbearable for me to even read. She openly discusses her raw emotions and it’s more than evident how her faith is the only reason she’s made it this far. I believe when she accepted this cross to bear, in her true testament of faith, she became a disciple in Christ. She’s exemplified such unconditional love that the pieces of God’s elaborate plan for them and Nora especially, are beginning to fall in place. Her selflessness has brought thousands together in a community of prayer, which is only a small part of the big things happening because of this sweet baby girl. Because she saw this as a blessing and NOT misfortune, look at the reward God gave them yesterday. Amazing.

 

We were in complete awe, as we witnessed a miracle right in front of our eyes. They prayed their way through the pain of the (likelihood) chance of stillbirth and pleaded with God to allow her life here on Earth. With immense fear, Aleisa pushed Nora out. She was peacefully alert, only having a little struggle in the beginning. As you watch in the slide show, Aleisa is praying with all her might for God to spare her baby. A sight that was so heart wrenching, everyone in the room was sobbing. None of us were in control. No one could bear her cross. No one could ease the pain of a mother knowing every.single.breath has the potential to be her baby’s last.

 

After a little oxygen help she let out music to her mama’s ears, a big healthy cry. Through the grace of God, her vitals became and remained stable and Nora continue to fight for her life just as she had the previous 9mths in the womb. Once she was back on mommy’s chest, the family poured in with great anticipation to see the breath taking site of a beautiful breathing Nora Rose. It was like nothing I have ever experienced. Love filled the room to the brim and slowly the panic and anxiety lingering in everyone’s heart was peacefully calmed by the sweet sighs and sounds of a fresh infant. She was passed around, kissed and embraced by all, myself included. After awhile, everyone crowded around as their friend from their church baptized her.

 

  They wanted me to photograph her with all the wonderful gifts they received, including a beyond precious dress and headband aunt Sarah made for her. She modeled so gracefully and didn’t mind the paparazzi in her face at all times. To follow along and watch Nora conquer each day, go to Aleisa’s blog. It seems as though the whole world is rooting for this beautiful baby.

 

This baby is changing lives.

(Copied from Beautiful Beginnings)

 

I wanted to be sure that you read this powerful story before you saw it unfold....

 

 

To watch Nora's birth in pictures, grab some tissues and click here....

 

 

~ I don't have to know you, sweet baby girl to know that there is an amazing plan for your life... I am so excited to watch your story unfold!

 

 

They're On Loan From Heaven.... and they're ours for just a while.

I'm still here!

I wish I could tell you how much your sweet emails and Facebook messages have meant to me over the past couple of weeks! It sounds weird but I have put off posting this update for a few days because I love your notes of concern so much.... I mean, who doesn't want to know they are missed?!? :-)

I think it's fair to say that the past couple of weeks have been.....

crazy.

First off, I'll answer some of your most pressing questions...

Do we have a new baby?

Nope.

Is everyone healthy?

Yes.

How can we pray for you?

Just pray ;-)

About 2.5 weeks ago, at 4:13pm, on a Tuesday night, my phone rang. It was an adoption attorney in Florida.... a fairly popular one and I'm sure some of you fellow 'waiters' know his name. While he doesn't keep a stack of waiting families' profiles on hand, he does have a list of waiting families that he emails when an expectant mom comes to him. We had responded to one of these 'potential adoption situations' about 2 weeks earlier (mom due in June, boy, Florida) and hadn't heard anything so we chalked it up to another 'possibility'. That's what made this call a little shocking...

" 'D' has seen your profile and would like to meet you. On Thursday. In Jacksonville, FL. Are you and your husband available to meet her at 4pm?

Ummm.....

"Sure! See you then!"

(I mean, what do you say... NO?!?!)

Let me summarize the next 48 hours for you...

* Phone call to Joey; "Come home NOW. We are meeting a birthmom on Thursday night at 4pm in Florida. We have a dog. And a 3 year old. And ... just come home NOW."

* Frantic call to amazingly flexible and helpful friends; "Can you take Hannah to school tomorrow? And can you get our mail for.... until I tell you to stop?"

* Frantic call to babysitter; "We have to be in Florida on Thursday... can you stay with Hannah Thursday night?"

* Frantic call to vet; "We have had an unexpected trip come up... our dog is NOT up to date on his shots... can you do his shots and board him for 3 days?"

* Oh yeah.... frantic email  to family; "PLEASE PRAY!"

* Frantic packing. Frantic hotel reservation. Frantic....

crazy.

Joey and I drove 6 hours on Thursday and at 4pm met with a wonderful woman who was very pregnant with a sweet. healthy baby boy, due June 24.

We loved 'D'. We 'clicked'. We laughed. We cried. We hugged. We talked... a lot.

** Let me interject... in my own post ;-). Have you ever been at a "Match Meeting"??? It's EXHAUSTING!!!! You're nervous. You're on your best behavior. You're sweating. You're thirsty. You COMPLETELY FORGET WHO YOU ARE! You don't remember how old you were when..... You don't remember how old your child is! You don't remember when you got married or what school you went to or what your house looks like or....

K. I'm done. **

Joey and I went in to this Match Meeting with some reservations. We didn't know much about 'D' and we had questions about what we DID know....we just wanted to know more.

These feelings completely threw me and Joey off. We didn't expect to have questions because when we met Hananh's First Parents, all we wanted was for THEM to love US. This time? We were making decisions, too... We needed to know what this particular relationship would be like for Hannah; for the baby we DO have. Now. We needed to know what this future relationship would look like in comparison to the relationship we have with Hannah's First Family.

While we wanted more than anything for this mom to love us and to CHOOSE us, we also felt as if we were at a crucial cross-road...

If she DID choose us, would us continuing in this relationship with her and her sweet boy's First Family be in Hannah's best interest? She's the one we DO have.... the only one we are responsible for right now.

This is one of those things.... one of those things that makes adoption....

crazy? Unfair?

One thing that makes it suck.

(Sorry... I just said 'suck')

Joey and I left the attorney's office late Thursday night, had an amazing Ocean-side dinner in Jacksonville, went back to our hotel, and ...

slept.

We woke up Friday morning and finally had space in our minds to talk and we agreed with each other 100%...

* We loved 'D'

*We were absolutely comfortable with what we envisioned in our future with 'D'

* We were very confident that this baby, this sweet boy, would come home with us (because, as we know so well... that doesn't always happen)

But...

(there's always a 'but').

There was something...

It wasn't clear.

We have spent a year and a half praying for this baby... for our baby. Baby Smith Number 2.

Of all the things we DON'T know, we DO know this....

When our baby and his/her First Mama come into our lives, we'll KNOW.

But... we didn't know.

And that, friends..... that is uncomfortable. And it's painful. And you feel guilty and mean and completely....

crazy.

You cry and you ask 'WHY?" and you cry and you get mad and you cry.

We woke up Friday morning and this 'something' had us both in it's death-grip...

Were we really going to say 'no' AGAIN?!

How could God do this AGAIN?!?!

Haven't we been through enough?!

CAN WE BE DONE NOW?!?!?!?!?!

This something wasn't screaming, "THIS IS YOUR BABY!!!!"...  it was quietly whispering, "Your baby is still waiting...."

 

And then my phone rang.... at 9:38am Friday morning...

" 'D' chose you. She wants to move forward and discuss the details of this open adoption!"

Because that's good news, right?!?!

But that something was still there....

So we said "no".

again.

Yes, friends. You're right. WE ARE unequivocally, irrevocably...

CRAZY!!!!!

One of the hardest lessons we've learned in the adoption process is this...

We are NOT right for every baby... and every baby is NOT right for us. Every First Mom isn't right for us. We aren't right for every expectant mom. Sometimes, more often than not (since we won't have a million kids), there are many MORE perfect families for a baby than we could ever be!

It's just the truth.

That was almost 2 weeks ago and friends, after all that.... I needed a break.

I was asking God for a break.

Nope...

BEGGING Him for a break.

And He's given it to me. In ways I never could have imagined....

I can breathe. My heart is full and it doesn't hurt. I have found rest.

I took a break and feel like I can say with 100% certainty that...

I am exactly where my Heavenly Father wants me.

Sometimes where HE wants me isn't exactly where I WANT to be or where I THOUGHT I would be...

but it's right.

And it's where I can find my rest.

Thank you for worrying about us... thank you for your notes. Each note is treasured and saved... they are all further proof that our next baby is loved more than anyone could ever imagine.

Our story is just beginning and while the journey, our journey, has been painful.... all will be forgotten when our sweet, precious, perfect baby is in our arms.

And I know this, how?!

Because THIS sweet, precious, and perfect baby is in our arms!

Steps of Faith vs. Steps of Stupidity

Something is really bothering me today and I thought maybe you could help...maybe?

I'm having so much trouble today distinguishing "God's plan" from "I really want this and since it's here, I know it's got to be God's plan but what if it's really just my plan and I'm using Him as an excuse to make myself feel better because I want this so badly?"

I know the Scriptures...

Romans 8:28-  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Proverbs 3:5- Trust the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

And so many more....

Verses; God's words to us that are meant to soothe and calm and give our hearts peace and give us direction for our lives...

But today, friends, those verses sound like excuses to me. They sound like reasons to not think about things that might not be fun to think about or to not do something that feels uncomfortable, even though 'steps of faith' ARE uncomfortable... they sound like a reason to just keep 'waiting on God's plan'...

but at what point do we STOP waiting and START trusting that THIS, this moment in time, this surprise job opportunity or adoption situation or financial pitfall or relationship is EXACTLY what God's plan is??!!

At what point do we stop waiting? At what point do we allow ourselves to switch from a 'waiting' mindset to an 'okay, so this is God's plan and I'm going to accept it no matter how uncomfortable it feels' mindset?

When do we stop using Scipture as an 'excuse'... a reason not to think about tough stuff or take a 'step of faith' that OF COURSE feels uncomfortable, otherwise it would be EASY?

When do you decide to quit your job that is perfectly good to take another one that *might* be better?

When do you stop passing on adoption situations because of finances or risk or fear and take a leap and say 'yes'... even though 'yes' doesn't feel really good yet?

When do you decide to place your baby for adoption... even though you KNOW that adoption isn't what feels right or comfortable for you and it doesn't even make sense that losing your baby could possibly be God's plan?

When do you stop waiting for your bank account to read a certain number and decide that NOW is when you'll start planning your family?

When do you stop waiting for your house to sell and decide to put an offer in on the one of your dreams?

When do you decide to give up on infertility treatments and pursue adoption or just accept that kids 'aren't in God's plan'?

How do you take your 'steps of faith'? How do you know that they ARE steps of faith and not steps of stupidity?

And when you do take those steps, how do you know that you're not just being a complete and utter idiot??

Yes, the Lord has plans for us... but don't we have the ability as the imperfect humans we are, to post-pone that plan because of our disobedience?

No, He won't give us more than we can handle.... but don't we always handle whatever it is, even when we don't think we can?

Yes, we are called to trust Him and He promises to guide our path... but when do you decide that a 'step of faith' that sounds ridiculously risky is in fact, a step of faith?

When do you know that you have completely shut out the human rationale and know that your heart and mind and thoughts are in line with God's?

What does that feel like? How do you get to that point?

I know I've done this before, friends... I've trusted Him and I've taken those 'steps of faith' and obviously, they have all turned out... well, in line with God's plan.

But when you're standing at the fork, faced with a decision to turn left or turn right, those memories of steps of faith in the past don't really stand at the fore-front of your mind....

Because really, we've all done DUMB stuff and when it's all said and done and we're looking back on the dumb process, it's called a "Step of Faith"... isn't it?

It becomes part of 'God's plan', even though it started out as a stupid idea or decision.

It turns into a story of our "deep faith and trust in God's plan" even though we fought tooth and nail every step of the way.

Don't we always look back and say, "Oh yeah... it all makes sense now! I see exactly why we did that and those things happened and how God was getting us to this point!"

Can't we turn every future possibility into, "Well of course this is where we are... look at what has happened and has led us to this point!"

But then.... doesn't that just sound like an excuse? Doesn't it feel like we're using God as a reason to trust or not trust, to obey or disobey, or .....

So today I need to know... I need to understand... and I'll probably need plenty of reminders throughout my life... but I'm praying that soon...

I will know what it means to take a real 'step of faith' and not a real stupid step of doubt.

What helps you? What feelings or verses or 'ah-ha' moments do you look for to guide you to 'faith' and not 'stupidity'?



A Letter to My Baby~

Hi Baby~

Today is Easter.

Easter is one of my favorite Holidays... it represents everything 'new' and everything your Daddy, your sister, and I live for;

Jesus.

Today was amazing....

Our day was probably like everyone else's... We woke up early, dressed up, wore special perfume, spent extra time on our hair, wore new shoes that really just ended up hurting our feet, curled/straightened/flat-ironed our hair and came down stairs....

but when most kids come downstairs on Easter morning they find an Easter basket overflowing with treats and presents that the Easter Bunny left for them while they were sleeping (or not sleeping because it's Easter-Eve, after all ;-))....

(our Bunny eats Fruit Loops and Peeps, apparently ;-))

Not your big sister.

When we came down stairs this morning, your big sister found a special, hand-written note from the Easter Bunny himself that read something like this;

Happy Easter, Hannah!

Easter is about Jesus and how much He loves you... and oh! He loves you so so much!
I made such a special Easter basket for you this year and I can't wait to give it to you but since Easter is about Jesus, I want you to listen carefully at church this morning and learn all you can about how much Jesus loves you....
When you get home, you will find the most special basket waiting for you and it will be full of treats just for you!

Do you know how much your Mommy and Daddy and Jesus love you?
They love you more than chocolate, and cupcakes, and Dora!

I love you that much, too!

The Easter Bunny

I know, I know; that sounds mean, doesn't it? All of the anticipation and excitement, the tradition involved in finding that special basket that was put together just for you... I know. But you see, the Easter Bunny's reason for leaving his note first is very important.... and it's something I want you to know now;

The excitement and anticipation that comes with Easter morning is new... it hasn't always existed in our World. A long time ago, Easter represented something entirely different....

It represented death, and sacrifice, and pain, and sadness....

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.”
1 Peter 2:24

And for your young mind, my precious little one, those things sound scary; not anything like bunnies, and treat-filled eggs, and new shoes.

Don't be scared, baby because what comes next is exciting...

While Easter will always involve candy, and treats, and bunnies, and new shoes, it will also always include Jesus; the One who gave His life for our sins... for all of the bad things we've ever done or ever will do.... who died on the cross, covered in thorns and with nails in his hands and feet.... and who rose from the dead 3 days later.

"“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

John 3:16

Easter is about Jesus... first.

You see, baby.... Easter is a happy and fun and exciting day but not because of the treats and candy and new shoes. It's a happy and fun and exciting day because you and me...

you and me and your daddy and your big sister and your Nee and Tata and Ghee and Grandpa Darrill and Onk and Bonk and Day and Aunt Jessie and Mimi and Grandpa and Nanny and Tutu...

We are loved so so much that someone, that Jesus, gave His life for us and when He rose on the 3rd day, He went to Heaven and saved a place for us... a place that is more special than treats, and candy, and new shoes, and Easter baskets, and bunnies.

That's pretty special, isn't it?

So when your big sister woke up this morning and put on her beautiful dress, and I braided her hair, and she put on her new shoes, her excitement and anticipation weren't about a basket or treats or bunnies....

Her excitement was about Jesus.... about going to church to learn about the One who created her, the only one in the entire world who loves her even more than her Daddy and me, and who hand-picked her to be our baby.

Just like He hand-picked YOU to be our baby, too.

You see, baby... a long long time ago, Easter wasn't about everything 'new'... but it is now.

YOU, my precious baby... YOU are the only thing we were missing this Easter.

And baby?

We missed you!

Me and your Daddy, we cried for you today... because we miss you.

Me and your Daddy and your sister, we prayed for you today.... we prayed that your heart will always be open to Jesus and that you will love Him with all your heart even when you're very young.

We prayed for your First Mama and First Dad... that this Easter, they would feel peace and support and love.

Your Nee and Tata and Ghee and Grandpa Darrill and Onk and Bonk and Day and Aunt Jessie and Mini and Grandpa and Nanny and Tutu.... they miss you, too.

We are praying so hard that next Easter you will be with us.... you and your sister will wake up early, dress up in your beautiful clothes, put on your new shoes, and come down stairs.... you'll read your hand-written note from the Easter Bunny, himself and then... then we will go to church and learn about the One who loved us enough to give His life for us...

And who gave us YOU.

Then

I love you more than bunnies, and treats, and new shoes,

~ Your Mama

(Next year I just know that your sweet little cheeks will be right there next to your Big Sister's!)

He's Going Home...

Yesterday I asked you to pray for a special family from our church... a family that has already been ripped apart this year and is now facing more tragedy.

Today or tomorrow are expected to be Matt Nagel's last days before he goes home to be with Jesus. If you don't know their story of losing their daughter, please catch up here.

It's kind of sick that I wish I could say....

"Matt Nagel will join his daughter in Heaven..."

It's sick because his daughter is alive and well... she's just not with them; the parents who raised her from birth and lost her to her birth-father when she was 2.5 years old.

Since when does death sound like a better option than life?!

Regardless of who he will join in Heaven, it's where he is supposed to be... and he will be whole, and happy, and complete.

What breaks my heart today is what is happening in the hearts and lives of his wife and daughter (the daughter they still have... Waverly's older sister).

You would think that this family, losing their daughter, knowing she is living just 20 minutes away and probably shopping at the same WalMart and Target as them.... you would think that THAT is enough loss and pain for a life-time.

But now this...

I've met this family a handful of times but I feel like I know them so well... when you know someones heart, you know them.

Please pray for Molly tonight as she sits by Matt's side and waits...

Pray for sweet Harper who has already lost her baby sister and will now lose her Daddy...

The Nagels have already been bombarded with 2 years-worth of court costs in their fight to keep their daughter and this is only adding to their... to Molly's... financial burden.

As if the emotional burden wasn't enough.

A fund was set up years ago for their fight to keep Waverly and it is now being used for people to support Molly through this. Of course prayer for this family is more than enough but if you feel a 'tug' to help in some tangible way, please visit their blog and click the PayPal link to the right... I know first-hand that monetary support is appreciated more than we know.

My heart has been so so heavy for Molly and Waverly. It's days like these when I realize just how precious life is. I also realize just how profound God's love for us truly is... it's unimaginable and indescribable.

It sounds disgusting and mean today but...

through this tragedy, God's love will shine. I know this because I know this family and I know the people who are surrounding them right now... Matt's life has been and always will be a testament of God's perfect plan;

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I, just like Molly, Waverly, and their family, am anxious for the day when we will see God's plan unfold fully. Until then, please lift this family up.

** To follow the Nagel's... to follow Molly and Waverly... through the next few days and months, visit their Caring Bridge page here **

** To follow Molly and Waverly through their own perspective or to catch up on their story until today, visit their blog here **



Please Pray...

A while back I asked you to pray for this family...

They brought their newborn baby-girl home through adoption and then lost her when she was 2.5 years old.

I was tempted to say 'lost her to her birth-father' but I know that in most circumstances, that isn't nice or acceptable... in this case, they lost her to her birth-father.

This family's husband went running on Sunday morning with some friends and collapsed. He's now in ICU with massive swelling in his brain after a stroke. There's little the doctors can do (after 2 surgeries already) except give him some meds, induce hypothermia.... and pray for a miracle.

This man, this daddy and husband who has been through what we would consider hell... I know he's in danger and I know he needs prayer but the thing is... he doesn't know what's going on. Yes he needs prayer, too but he doesn't feel anything and he isn't aware of how dire his circumstances are while God is working in this situation ....

but his wife?

She knows. She's been through the same hell and she's living it again... they lost their daughter.... but they have another one, too; a younger one. And THAT baby girl lost her sister... and now?

They're faced with the reality that they might lost their husband and daddy.

I don't have to ask you ...

This family needs prayer, friends.

Please pray and please ask those you know to pray.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle ...

but how can one family be expected to 'handle' this on top of all that this past year has taken away from them?

Please pray.



Faith Like Hannah's....

Hi friends :-) It's been a while and I sat down tonight to write a long-overdue blog post/ update ... I just can't. To admit that we are 18 months into this second adoption wait, to try and justify why it's been that long, to reminisce about how much time we've 'wasted' waiting on different situations, and to act like it's all ok because God still has a plan.... Feels kind of fake. Since I can't find words, I'll let God choose them for me...

"Love is never tired of waiting."1 Corinthians 13:4



Last week Joey and I admitted that we were both just tired of waiting... and every time we feel that way God shows up to offer a light, some encouragement, and something to look forward to. Today, we are thankful for some light, are feeling encouraged, and are looking forward... We will never grow tired of waiting for our baby :-)

That was my Facebook post earlier this week and you know, it's really true;

We haven't grown tired of waiting... because well, we'd wait a lifetime if that's what it took to bring our next baby home. Just because we aren't tired doesn't mean that we aren't frustrated or confused or even angry sometimes... or a lot of times. We haven't given up and to me, that means that each morning we wake up refreshed and hopeful and 'good-anxious'... and we rejoice in the fact that we made it through one more day that has gotten us closer to our baby. THAT is worth the frustration, confusion, and anger, is it not?

Nope, Joey and I are doing fine... living one day at a time and doing our best to trust that God's plan is better than our own (but seriously, I CAN'T wait to see HOW and WHEN His plan will be better than my own... because my own is pretty damn good!), ((Sorry I used the 'D' word :-/)), (((Does infertility and/or adoption bring out your dirty mouth? I didn't even know I had one until infertility and adoption!!)

If you're 'waiting' or if you've ever 'waited', you know the magnitude of what I'm going to say... you know that it pierces your heart, makes you sick to your stomach, and gives you goosebumps all at the same time. Mostly, it just makes me more frustrated and confused and angry when I realize that

 we are not the only one's who are hurting through this wait... who are anxious and excited and hopeful. Our children are, too.

We have prepared our sweet girl 3 (T.H.R.E.E) times this year for her role as big sister... as in; "hurry and wash the baby clothes, unpack the car seat, clean the house, and start packing" kind of preparation. One of those times was a slower process but felt just the same when those babies didn't wear the clothes, sit in the car seat, or come home. Because of how difficult this past year has been, Joey and I have been EXTREMELY cautious around Hannah... we simply do not discuss 'baby' anything in her presence. If we get an email from an expectant mom or hear about a situation through an attorney, we wait and discuss it when Hannah's napping or in bed. While we DO pray for Hannah's baby brother or sister some nights at bedtime (it IS important for her to know that when baby comes home, it means that Jesus answered our prayers!), we just want to protect her as much as we can from the possibility of being 'heartbroken'... again.

Well...

Joey and I were getting dressed this morning and Hannah came tearing into our room.... full force yelling, "Mommy Daddy Mommy Daddy!!!! I'm so excited! My baby brother is coming home tonight!!!!"

Now imagine... how do you respond to this?

Well, if you're us, you get immediate goosebumps and stand there like idiots with your mouths hanging open.

I mean, how can you not be a little shocked/freaked out?

When we recovered, we hugged our bouncing 3 year old and moved on... what do you SAY???

Our day was fun; lunch at a fun place since Daddy was home today, puzzles, books, planted a tree, and made sugar cookies. Hannah wasn't into dinner tonight so we said the customary, "You can get down from the table but you don't get any treats until you eat your 5 bites" and she ran to play in the play room.

Joey and I finished eating and about 10 minutes later Hannah came running into the kitchen yelling, "My baby brother is almost here!! He';s on his way, he's almost here! Hurry I have to eat my dinner!  I don't know what car he's in.... let's go watch for him!"

By this time, Joey and I are a little more than confused/freaked out and I finally asked Hannah... "Who told you that your baby brother is coming home tonight?"

Hannah looked sweetly from her Daddy to me and said...

"Jesus told me, Mommy!"

Of course He did....

Ugh.

In the same extremely mature and sophisticated way in which we typically communicate with our daughter...

Joey changed the subject.

(Okay really?!?! Like you wouldn't have done the same thing!)

It was then that I felt sick to my stomach... and guilty... and angry... and confused... and in some strange way...

hopeful.

Here's the thing...

Most moms and dads would hear that from their child, dismiss it, and think, "There's no way that could happen, anyway... a baby showing up on our door step tonight! Ha!"

But... we met Hannah's birth-parents on a Thursday night, and picked up our baby-girl on Friday morning... 13 hours later.



Not so crazy, after all.

Back to the kitchen tonight....  me feeling sick.... my 'inner me' started running her mouth...

"It's Easter weekend.... it's the absolute perfect time to bring our baby home! Maybe she's right... God says that we need to have faith like a child, right? What if we DO bring our baby home this weekend?"

 “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and have faith like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

~Matthew 18:3

But here's what followed...

"What are you talking about?! EVERY SINGLE STINKING DAY FOR THE PAST YEAR HAS BEEN THE PERFECT DAY TO BRING OUR BABY HOME!!!!!"

So much for faith, huh?

Joey and I talked later on about how we should proceed with Hannah since she's obviously very aware, despite our best efforts to protect her, of this long 'wait' to become a big sister. We've learned (the hard way) that Scripture is always the best place to turn when you're at a loss...

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”  

~Matthew 19:14

We will let her dream... we'll even dream with her.

We will let her be excited... and we'll allow ourselves to be excited (once again), too.
We will learn from her flawless and perfect faith... we need it.

And we will pray that God will continue to place His loving and profound words in her heart because I have to be honest... there are days when I listen to my daughter more than I listen to my Heavenly Father and quite frankly, that's not ok.

To me, Easter represents all things 'new'... Jesus rising from the grave, our sins being washed clean, the weather, flowers, trees, fresh fruits and vegetables...

So why not families, too???

We always knew that Hannah was 'advanced' (my dad's word ;-))...



 but today she taught her Mama a much-needed lesson in faith!



I love you, sweet girl and know without a shadow of a doubt that you will be the BEST big sister there ever was.... and hopefully soon!

(at lunch with Daddy today)

Pity Party

Have you ever just sat back and allowed yourself to feel ... sorry for yourself?

People can tell you, "You're so strong... I don't know how you have been through all of this!", "I admire your faith!", "I just don't understand how one person can deal with so many terrible things!", "I think about what I'm going through and I just can't complain because it's nothing compared to what you've been through!"

Do you get those sometimes?

I guess for a second those comments make you feel proud...

"I AM strong!", "My faith HAS grown!", "We HAVE been through a lot!"

But really, doesn't it sometimes just make you feel like s**t? Because deep down you're NOT strong, and your faith SUX, and terrible things just keep happening DESPITE your faith, and NO YOU CAN'T complain because you haven't been through MY hell!!!

Am I the only one?

???????

True, it's wrong to let discouragement and anger and resentment and bitterness and hostility and pride control you... but sometimes..... sometimes I just think it's ok to have a full-grown....

ADULT PITY PARTY!

I had one today... I really did. Here's how it went...

I wore a plastic back brace for THREE years! I had full spinal fusion when I was THIRTEEN!  can't bend over and tie my shoes! I can't even paint my own toenails! I have been scared to DEATH of cancer since my cousin passed away when he was only 31 years old! I have had NINE moles removed because of that! I CAN'T GET PREGNANT and NO ONE KNOWS WHY! I have been waiting for OVER A YEAR for my next baby to come home! Why is adoption so dang EXPENSIVE?!

and then, the avalanche....

I had to wait for TWO hours in the doctor's office today! My email doesn't work when I need to send an important email NOW! WHY won't the post-man bring the stinkin package to the DOOR? WHO'S DOG IS THAT??!?!?!

You get my drift...

And then I look at the calendar.... three years ago to the day, Hannah's birth-gramma passed away after a long long battle with cancer... my worst night-mare. She was one of the main reasons we have Hannah today.

** I have the tightest abs thanks to that stinking back-brace. My ribs didn't puncture my lungs because I had that surgery when I did. I get to buy expensive, non-tie shoes (;-)). I have a pedicure when my toes start looking bad. My cousin is in Heaven! I don't have cancer! I have HANNAH! Our next baby has already been chosen for us. No matter the cost, I'll never look back... I'll never wish I could have changed HIS plan. **

My friend calls; her God-Mother, her moms best friend who's husband passed away a few months ago and who has been in the hospital since before Christmas with cancer...

she passed away this morning.

** Someones AWFUL, emergency-filled morning was made okay and all I had to do was wait a little longer than usual. 'Edit' and 'Re-send' were created for a reason. I burned 4 whole calories just by walking out to the mailbox to get my package. My dog doesn't bark like THAT dog! **

It's ok to have a pity-party once in a while...

because it's never as awful as it seems...

and all of the 'I's' are never as important as the positives that can come from those apparent negatives.

What's your list? Put it here or put it somewhere else... it feels good! Then write your 'other' list... that feels even better  ;-)

'Purpose' Can Be Plural....

I consider myself to be a pretty lucky girl. I know so many women who, at my age and at my 'phase' in life question their purpose;

Who am I outside of being a wife and a mommy? I've always wanted to be just a wife and mommy... I thought that would be enough; why do I feel guilty for wanting more? 

Don't get me wrong... I have asked myself those questions SO many times! I am so incredibly blessed to be living my dream... to be the main influence in my baby-girl's life, to be able to devote myself fully to my home and family, and to have the freedom I have on a daily basis to develop relationships and invest in my family. I KNOW I'm blessed and I hope and pray that I never take that for granted.

If you know me at all, you know that I am a deeply passionate person... almost to a fault. I take criticism to heart when it comes from someone I truly respect or admire (especially if you're my daddy ;-)). 'Disappointed' is a word that when directed at me, cuts me to my core. At the same time, when something is important to me I do it or discuss it with conviction and emotion.

 And sometimes, my passions just don't have direction... I feel lost and wandering, yet passionate; not such a  great combo :-/

~ I find myself wondering lately if my purpose is to teach, specifically special needs kids... they're one of my passions.

~ I wonder if I should be a crisis pregnancy counselor... those women are my passion.

~ I wonder if I should continue using my blog as a portal to try and reach women who are struggling through infertility and their adoption wait... those women are my passion, too.

~ I wonder if I should learn to be content with what I KNOW to be one of my purposes.... to be the best wife I can be to Joey and the best mommy I can be to Hannah.

And then I wonder if maybe my 'purpose' is plural... maybe there is a way that I can use each passion of mine to accomplish my purpose... or purposes.

When I read through my list of passions, I realize that they all have one thing in common...

People.

Developing relationships with people.

One thing I know is true.... my place monday-friday, from 8-5 is here. At my house. With my baby. And my dog. And my husband.

This is where my mind and heart have been for the past few months. I KNOW without a doubt that I am contributing to my family, to their futures, and to their growth. I still struggle sometimes with the desire to contribute financially and to find something that's 'me'. I also couldn't fight the desire to do something that my kids; that Hannah.... and that Joey and my family.... could be proud of. I wanted something that was mine.

I was stopped a few weeks ago in the WalMart parking lot by a stunning woman... that's the best word I have to describe her. She was stunning on the outside but you could talk to her for just a minute and know that she was equally as beautiful on the inside, too. She was a consultant for Mary Kay and wanted to do my makeup and be able to include me in her 'before and after' portfolio.

Yeah yeah... I thought the same thing; "What a line. You just want my money."

But... I didn't feel that from her. She was genuine.

She came over last week and did my makeup but more than that she got to know me. She invested in me and told me her story.... and her story included her testimony. She didn't ask me for an order but she introduced me to Mary Kay... to the philosophy that faith comes first, second comes family, and only last should you be able to fit in a career.

I've known Mary Kay for a long time and I've always loved her products... though, I love her new products even more! No one had ever taken the time to introduce me to her... to Mary Kay... to the family that works for her.

When she left, I couldn't shake the feeling that she had just summarized everything I had been praying about when it came to finding my purpose. Before she walked in my door, all I knew was that I love people, and building relationships, and sharing my family's story, and well, I could EASILY include makeup in my list of passions ;-)

Joey and I talked for a long time last weekend. I talked to my mom and to a few close friends. I prayed about it. I struggled with the 'stigma' and 'cliche' that I felt people put on a company like Mary Kay or Avon or Arbon. I made a list of my passions....

I am so excited to tell you that I am Mary Kay's newest Independent Beauty Consultant!

I'm so excited for this new chapter in my life... for this new purpose that seems to encompass ALL of my purposes, plural! Joey's excited. My family is excited.

I have a lot of work to do. Relationships are important to me and while it's true that I will be selling a product (one that I have fallen head over heels in LOVE with!), my main goal is to invest myself into other women. I have learned to be vulnerable on paper (or... on blogger), but it's time for me to challenge myself to be vulnerable in person.

My story as a woman and our story as a family is unique... and really, nothing has ever gone the way we 'planned'. What makes our story impactful is that we fought tooth and nail each step of the way to do things 'our way' only to be shown without a shadow of a doubt that God's plans are and always will be bigger and better than our own. THAT is my purpose right now.... to use our story and my passions to show other women that there's more; more than they hoped and dreamed.

And that it's ok to want more. And that sometimes 'purpose' can be plural.

Joey and I have agreed that 100% of my profit from my new purpose will be put in our Baby Smith #2 savings account. I love knowing this because if there is one thing right now that I am more passionate about than anything else, it is bringing home our next baby! I will do ANYTHING in my power to bring home my sweet baby and I already feel one step closer :-)

I will never use this blog to advertise my business or to pressure you to buy anything... THAT is not the purpose of this page. I do want you to know me and my family and this is our newest news.... obviously not the 'news' I'd LOVE to be sharing but it's news and it's big, all the same ;-)

I could use all the support I can get so if you use Mary Kay or would like to know more about her company (that is founded on faith!) or how to become a consultant, please browse around and let me know what I can do for you.... send you info, place an order of fabulous makeup for you, or answer questions.

If nothing else, your prayers would be appreciated! Anything new is scary and brings out insecurities and even more unknown than we already have.... prayer for success and focus would help me enough ;-)

And I'll leave you with a quote from my wonderful husband as we discussed my new journey...

"Well, make-up really is a beautiful thing!"

My new website; www.MaryKay.com/LindsaBeth

My Facebook page (where I'll post some awesome specials ;-)); www.Facebook.com/MKWithLindsay

A Week at the Gym

My mother-in-law sent this to me and I thought it was too good not to share..... 

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased for me a week of personal training at the local health club.  Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 40+ years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!  My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the crap would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other senseless stuff too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Jerkface was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that moron Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and express thanks that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.  I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

:-)