I'll be honest people; I've had adoption on my mind this week! When you're in the middle of what we call the 'waiting process' you can't help but wonder about the future and what God might have up His sleeve. We are so unbelievably thankful for our bahy-girl (yeah, I know she's technically a toddler but I prefer to live in denial) but we also know that our family is not yet complete. This makes the waiting process just as difficult as the first time around. The only difference is that our arms aren't empty this time and we like to think that we can afford to be a little more patient.... theoretically. Unfortunately, the human takes over at times and the waiting becomes excruciating.
I spent some time this morning reading through my first blog and was struck by some of my thoughts and how similar they are to what I'm feeling now. Waiting on God's perfect timing is one of the most difficult things for me because, well I think my own timing is pretty darn good! Needless-to-say, God has proven to me time and time again that HIS timing alone is more than sufficient.
I thought I would back-flash today to an entry I wrote in September of 2008:
My Mom sent me a book this week called "You're Late Again, Lord! The Impatient Woman's Guide to Waiting." I've turned this tiny little book into my devotional for a while. I've only just started it, but the author's main point seems to be that God doesn't want us to learn patience when we are faced with a time of waiting, He wants us to wait with a purpose. His purpose might be different for various situations but waiting with a purpose gives us reason; some answer as to why we might be waiting.
I've thought a lot this week about God's purpose for making us wait for a baby.... I haven't come up with anything yet. Unfortunately, this probably means I have a little more waiting to do, huh?
My struggles this week aren't much different than usual, they're just seemingly magnified lately. I wake up every morning and I think "this could be the day!" I figure, eventually the day will come when my morning ritual will ring true. Every time my phone rings I think, "could this be the call?" Again, eventually the day will come when it WILL be the call.
I do my best to avoid going into the nursery... it's not that it hurts too much, it's just that I dream too much when I'm in there. I imagine a tiny little body warming the crisp new sheet covering the crib mattress. I pretend that the smell that permeates the room is baby powder and Neutrogena baby shampoo, instead of new paint and the sour smell of new furniture. I sit in the rocking chair and imagine that our precious baby is asleep in my arms and I would rather spend the night sleeping in the chair than risk waking him or her. Ok... it does hurt too much. As a matter of fact, instead of being filled with hope and anticipation of the day we bring our baby home, I'm filled with confusion and anger that we don't have one already.
Maybe that's the purpose of my wait; Could it be that God wants me to see that only He can fill me with everlasting hope; not a baby? Only He can fill our lives with promise. I pretend to understand and live out His promises but how do I really do this? How do I turn my pain, frustration, and anxiety into purpose?
Looks like I have some more work to do.
* I wrote that entry on September 13, 2008. Unbeknown to us, our baby-girl was born on September 22 and we brought her home on October 3. How great is our God?
I am SO thankful for this reminder today. We truly don't know what God us up to but He always promises to be our greatest reward for the struggles we are going through. Looking back now, I can see the purpose and reason in our frustration and the truth is, I would do it again in a second for all of the the lessons learned and for the end result; Hannah. It makes today's wait and the struggles that come with it a little bit easier.
I think I'm going to go dig up that book now! Are you waiting for something? A job, a baby, a husband... it's a great book to help pass the time!